Family/Friends left behind?

[emptymind94]

First off, I have read that many people here are estranged from their family and friends or have a bad relationship with them. I am sorry it is this way for so many of you.
This question is mainly meant for anyone who does have people in their life who they are close to and who they know would be affected by a suicide.

The main reason I have not taken the SN which is safely stored in my closet yet, is that I know it would deeply devastate my mother. She is the only close family I have (there is more family but I am not close to them), I do have a few friends but none who I think it would affect heavily (i.e. beyond initial shock and grief).
Without going into the reasons I want to ctb or the complicated relationship my mother and I have:

How are you dealing with the thoughts about the people you will leave behind?

I have experienced severe grief myself and feel like I don't have the right to do that to anyone else. Even though my mother's abusive behaviour when I was a child is probably a big part of why I am feeling the way I am; she is a good woman at heart, has grown a lot in the past years and we are relatively close. I am at a loss to be honest - I can't imagine to keep living for another 20-40 years but I also don't want to think about what getting a phone call that her daughter was found dead would do to my mother.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think suicide is selfish, I would just like to know other peoples thoughts on this.

 

[whereispeace]

My family is pretty much the only reason I'm still alive. If I knew my death wouldn't have too much of an effect on them, I'd already be gone.

 

[134340]

My family is literally the only reason I haven't ctb yet. I'm very close with my mom and siblings because I still live at home, but I'm close with my grandparents and aunt as well. I made a thread a while back about how I read about the way toddlers grieve (I have a 2 year old brother) and it broke me into pieces. I don't know that there's a way to overcome that really. I feel like when I do finally ctb it'll be once I've reached a point of "they will survive without me" because it's the best I can hope for. Although I feel useless, I know that I'm not in the eyes of others. I know that I'm loved and that my death will devastate multiple people, maybe irreparably. I don't know.

I'm sorry for what you've been through to get to this point. I hope you eventually find the answers you're looking for somehow.

 

[Erase.myself]

My grandma and mom are two people I think of that would be greatly effected by my suicide. In thinking of their grief, it has made me question my decision to ctb. I lost my twin sister last year, and my mom is immensely grieving over this (as am I). I know she will be devastated when I decide to ctb. (my sister died 5/2019; my dad died 09/2009 so my mom is already lonely). My grandma will be incredibly sad as well, and she's also had a lot of loss in her life.

I also feel like I don't want to put them through the pain of losing me. At the same time, I myself am in so much pain and don't see anything getting better. 32 years of being in pain is enough for me. People have told me "stay around for other people" "it will get better". But what about myself ? I don't want to stay around just for other peoples sake, just stay on Earth so I can be miserable. Id rather not.

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm also pretty much only alive for my family. Don't get me wrong, I'm scared to die due to anxiety of existence itself. But my family is what's holding me back. I think I'd be long gone if it weren't for them.

Suicide is not a selfish or cowardly act by any means. You didn't ask to be born. You are in a piece of shit body(I mean to say that human bodies are trash) and you have every right to end it. If you have kids, it gets more technical.


I'm sorry for everyone that has to feel this way. I don't understand this shit world. Religion has to be bullshit. If there's an afterlife, maybe we Came here to learn. Otherwise, I sure hope that when I die that I cease to exist.

 

[muffin222]

Okay, this may sound a bit cold-hearted, but...that's life. People die, sometimes unexpectedly by suicide. I know it would break my family's hearts, but they're strong enough to carry on without me

 

[emptymind94]

Although I feel useless, I know that I'm not in the eyes of others.

I completely agree. I think healthy people have an inherent sense of everyone being useful, just by their existence. I wish I would feel the same.

I'm sorry for what you've been through to get to this point. I hope you eventually find the answers you're looking for somehow.

Thank you, and the same to you. Even just reading that I am not the only one feeling this way helps.

I lost my twin sister last year, and my mom is immensely grieving over this (as am I). I know she will be devastated when I decide to ctb. (my sister died 5/2019; my dad died 09/2009 so my mom is already lonely).

I am so sorry for your losses, death is such an unfair thing.

I also feel like I don't want to put them through the pain of losing me. At the same time, I myself am in so much pain and don't see anything getting better. 32 years of being in pain is enough for me. People have told me "stay around for other people" "it will get better". But what about myself ? I don't want to stay around just for other peoples sake, just stay on Earth so I can be miserable. Id rather not.

You put into words what I could not formulate quite yet - I feel 100% the same. There aren't many sentences I hate more than "it will get better". There is no way for anyone to know that, or to feel what the other person is going through, no one would consider suicide lightly, there is always incredible pain involved.
I have been on this earth for 26 years and believed, hoped and tried various things for it to get better. There comes a point when that just becomes increasingly unlikely, even from a rational point of view.

Okay, this may sound a bit cold-hearted, but...that's life. People die, sometimes unexpectedly by suicide. I know it would break my family's hearts, but they're strong enough to carry on without me

I used to feel the same way, but feeling the excruciating pain of the death of a loved one myself changed that a bit. Not in general, of course people die by accident, but even that leaves people in an incredible amount of pain. I would be perfectly fine with getting hit by a car tomorrow or dying from COVID or whatever, because at least it wouldn't be my fault. My family would still be sad of course but they could blame fate, coincidence, whatever.

Me pulling the trigger myself (figuratively, I'm not a fan of guns) does change things, for me and them. There are very few people who can really accept mental illnesses as real and sometimes incurable, suicide remains something "that could have been prevented" for most.

 

[Starcitty]

I don't really care. I've learned that that's life. I wanna be gone the second my 20's is over anyways. If things go in my favor then I might change my mind but for now I'm more ready to go than I've ever been.

I honestly think suicidal people holding off their suicide makes their suicidal thoughts even worse. It sounds unbearable to me.

 

[littlemisssunshine]

The emotion everyone feels suddenly when you are 'gone' is temporary. It hits like a wave but then there are just fades over time I think like any type of grief. I hope to be able to write some proper notes and explanations so nooone blames themselves once I'm gone. I don't want people to be sat questioning if they could have done more - even if they could. I just want gone because things are way beyond fixing.

 

[my girl]

I can tell you from personal experience that it will completely destroy those who love you. You will be passing your suicidal thoughts onto them. I hope you don't take that as something mean. I'm trying to be honest. I lost my daughter to suicide and I think about doing it myself now, every single day. Please know that before you make your decision. Much love to you.

 

[ThisIsIt]

Yup. If my mother and father were both dead, I would have ended it a long time ago.

 

[Fragile]

i'm very close to my mother and 2 of my brothers, probably the closets relative they have. my passing will destroy them since they also have very shitty lives.

and i could do it any time, i have my N and some meto ready for a peaceful exit, but the thought of doing this to them is crushing me because i know that many people never recover from a tragedy like this, reading people talk about their experience and how the suicide of a family member is still all they think about even after 10 years is not giving me any comfort.

but i know that i won't outlive them.

 

[Гууу]

My friend died to P OD. Was it accidental or not i don't know, but the friends of me thought he died as he wanted to - young, junkie and happy. They fell not embossed of it or sad, just wisely nostalgic and kind of respectful, same for me.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I'm still here for one reason only: because my parents would be shattered if I were to leave. It's very unfair as no matter what I try I can't seem to make life tolerable and instead just keep digging the hole deeper, causing further damage to myself and others. I've been in therapy for five years, have tried two different medications, have really tried to manage my sleep and exercise and drinking. It's not much of a life when you're sticking around out of guilt and obligation while suffering constant emotional pain and a lack of desire for anything. I wish there were an easy answer to this question, let me know if you find one

 

[dietsodamnsad]

I come from a very close family, my mum is my best friend and my whole entire world revolves around her. I have a little sister who makes my heart beat, and cousins who I am absolutely in love with. My family is my world, and the thought of the pain I am going to cause them is the only thing that has kept me alive so far. Lately though, that love isn't enough. It's awful to admit but I'm past the point of being able to stay alive for other people. I'm angry and upset beyond words, but I need to do this for myself, there's no way I can bear to live any longer than I have. As much as I'd like to for my loved ones I just can't do it anymore.

 

[itsamadworld]

I have a couple friends that I would leave behind that would be hurt, and my ex boyfriend. My family and I aren't close. I rarely hear from them. They never accepted me for who I am. So I just don't feel any obligations towards them. In fact, sometimes I'd love to crush my mother the way she crushed me. I lost my stepbrother to a heroine overdose a few years back. So my dad can handle another death.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

The thought of hurting my family breaks my heart.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Pretty sure my family would be devastated, but, considering my hard and very sad life, they would also not be surprised as they know that it was likely inevitable that it would happen. Now, the woman I adore and whom adores me would be shattered forever and likely would lose a big part of herself over it, so, I go on for her sake unless she decides I am no longer worth fighting for. On that day, well, goodbye evil world. Would say it was a pleasure, but, hell would be paradise compared to this life so I would welcome it like a long sought after vacation....

 

[I cant think of name]

I can tell you from personal experience that it will completely destroy those who love you. You will be passing your suicidal thoughts onto them. I hope you don't take that as something mean. I'm trying to be honest. I lost my daughter to suicide and I think about doing it myself now, every single day. Please know that before you make your decision. Much love to you. ❤

Was there anything your daughter could have done to make you not feel this way (besides not cb)...I don't want my mom to go down the same road. You don't have to share if you're not comfortable.... but thank you if you do

 

[Anxietykillsme]

My family will be devastated, especially my brother as I work with him every day so I know it'll take him a long time to get used to me not being there. As for my friends they won't really care, they don't care about me now why would they care when I've gone?
I've tried holding on for my family but I can't anymore and I hope it helps them knowing that I'm finally at peace.

 

[my girl]

Was there anything your daughter could have done to make you not feel this way (besides not cb)...I don't want my mom to go down the same road. You don't have to share if you're not comfortable.... but thank you if you do

I wish I had a witty informational answer to help. I just want her back. I don't want to live this life without her. Every morning when I open my eyes all I can think is "Not another day without my baby".

 

[Lost1804]

I wish I had a witty informational answer to help. I just want her back. I don't want to live this life without her. Every morning when I open my eyes all I can think is "Not another day without my baby".

I'm with you completely on that. I list my daughter to suicide 2 yrs ago. The pain is still excruciating. I don't want to wake up. And I'm planning to join her because parents who love their child do not "move on" "get over it" or anything remotely like "picking up the pieces" and getting on with their lives, even years down the line. The death of a child is the hardest death to bear. Suicide is even worse.
It destroys us.
There are several grieving parents on this site. The loss of a child to suicide isn't an emotional pain, like when grandma died or anyone else close. The pain is highly physical, and mental. I've spoken with many mum's who've suffered total breakdowns, or been in and out of mental care following the loss. Many suffer physically, can't eat, can't sleep, become very ill, and there's no cure. And loads also want to suicide. Many do.
The only thing that could have prevented any of my pain would have been if she'd told me she was going to do it that night, I would have gone with her.
Instead, I'm stuck for now, dealing with the legal stuff.
There are some parents who can accept (eventually) that this was what their child wanted, and determine not to grieve forever, because their child wouldn't want that for them. But not all of us are that strong, not all of us can come to terms with life without our baby. Any only parents who have been through this can fully understand. No-one else can begin to imagine the screaming pain of being told our child is gone.
It's a pain that starts when our child took their last breath, and will last till we take ours.

 

[my girl]

I'm with you completely on that. I list my daughter to suicide 2 yrs ago. The pain is still excruciating. I don't want to wake up. And I'm planning to join her because parents who love their child do not "move on" "get over it" or anything remotely like "picking up the pieces" and getting on with their lives, even years down the line. The death of a child is the hardest death to bear. Suicide is even worse.
It destroys us.
There are several grieving parents on this site. The loss of a child to suicide isn't an emotional pain, like when grandma died or anyone else close. The pain is highly physical, and mental. I've spoken with many mum's who've suffered total breakdowns, or been in and out of mental care following the loss. Many suffer physically, can't eat, can't sleep, become very ill, and there's no cure. And loads also want to suicide. Many do.
The only thing that could have prevented any of my pain would have been if she'd told me she was going to do it that night, I would have gone with her.
Instead, I'm stuck for now, dealing with the legal stuff.
There are some parents who can accept (eventually) that this was what their child wanted, and determine not to grieve forever, because their child wouldn't want that for them. But not all of us are that strong, not all of us can come to terms with life without our baby. Any only parents who have been through this can fully understand. No-one else can begin to imagine the screaming pain of being told our child is gone.
It's a pain that starts when our child took their last breath, and will last till we take ours. ♥

So true my friend.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I have no contact with family or friends who are close to me. The few contacts I have are only acquaintances of mine.

But there is someone I love and who loves me. We fought for our existence together for 11 years.

11 years ago I took him off the street and tried to help him lead a normal life. Apart from the lack of money, it almost worked.

But now that I can't anymore, I'll let him down, which causes me a lot of pain. He knows about my plan and will suffer even more pain because he will then be alone in this world again.

I don't know how long he'll live after me. Whether he can do it alone or will do ctb.

I would like to stay and take care of him. With everything I can give. But I just can't anymore, I have nothing more to give.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

It's the only reason I haven't done it yet. I think some of my loved ones would be very very sad but eventyally able to get over it (like my girlfriend, brother, grandparents, online friends) but others would be completely devastated and possibly never able to recover (my parents, one of my cats who is very attached to me). It's the big reason I haven't ctb'd yet. I just can't bear to trade my suffering for theirs.

 

[Ghost2211]

The adults in my life can deal. Death is part of life regardless of what brings it. It's my children I can't do that to. I cant leave my tiny ones without a mother. Without them I would have left a million times over with zero hesitation.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i only have one person that i genuinely care about, and that's my younger sister. i don't want to leave her with a void as she grows up wondering where her older sister went, but i also don't want to be apart of this world anymore. i hope that by leaving a note, i'll let her know i will love her even after death. or maybe i'll leave something of mine for her to remember me by.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

How are you dealing with the thoughts about the people you will leave behind?

It's been very difficult.

First, there's my mother. She is a single mother and I am her only child. She emigrated to gain a better life for me. She sacrificed so much to help make my life successful. Suicide would be the final dagger in her heart - an absolute repudiation of all of her efforts. I'm not even sure she'd make it to the funeral. She may die of a heart attack after hearing about my death.

Then my husband. He will be beside himself, I think. I believe, deep down, that he will be better off without me, and that my passing will open up the potential for him to have a truly wonderful life with someone else. He's currently younger than I was when we first met. He has the potential to meet someone new and start fresh, without all of my baggage. But he won't think about that in the early days. He'll be overcome with grief. He has a large family, though, and I think they will help him.

My goddaughters would have a rough time. They'll be very, very sad and likely won't understand what happened. (The oldest is 8.)

And then there are a few of my former students who mean the world to me and they really value the role I've played in their lives. They won't understand why I would do this. I know three of them who will be very sad. But, I do believe they will get over it, so I'm not too worried.

If my mother and husband would volunteer to go with me, though, it would be a super easy decision.

 

[Lost1804]

It's been very difficult.

First, there's my mother. She is a single mother and I am her only child. She emigrated to gain a better life for me. She sacrificed so much to help make my life successful. Suicide would be the final dagger in her heart - an absolute repudiation of all of her efforts. I'm not even sure she'd make it to the funeral. She may die of a heart attack after hearing about my death.

Then my husband. He will be beside himself, I think. I believe, deep down, that he will be better off without me, and that my passing will open up the potential for him to have a truly wonderful life with someone else. He's currently younger than I was when we first met. He has the potential to meet someone new and start fresh, without all of my baggage. But he won't think about that in the early days. He'll be overcome with grief. He has a large family, though, and I think they will help him.

My goddaughters would have a rough time. They'll be very, very sad and likely won't understand what happened. (The oldest is 8.)

And then there are a few of my former students who mean the world to me and they really value the role I've played in their lives. They won't understand why I would do this. I know three of them who will be very sad. But, I do believe they will get over it, so I'm not too worried.

If my mother and husband would volunteer to go with me, though, it would be a super easy decision.

Have you ever thought of asking them? If my daughter had told me she was going to do it I'd have gone with her .

 

[BRAINWORMS]

I'm an only child with loving parents. I know it would devastate them. They deserve so much better, but I'm not sure if I can give it to them. I also have a couple close friends who would probably be upset, especially my roommate who's been my best friend for years. All these lovely folks and their faith in me, however misguided, are the main reasons why I'm hanging on.

I'm still passively suicidal, still waiting for when the pain of being alive outweighs the pain I anticipate my death will inflict. There's no way to make it easier for them. The only thing I can think of right now is holding out until quarantine/public gathering restrictions lift so my family can have as much in-person support as possible.