Venting Family angry at me for feeling grief.

[budgerigar training]

I want to talk about this somewhere because my IRLs get very angry at me for feeling any kind of emotion that isn't pure joy.
I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and I've been in remission for some time. I was treated with escalated BEACOPP. The symptoms of my cancer made high school extremely difficult, I went from being a top of the class student to barely passing. High school was humiliating and sad. I graduated and went into hospital not long after. I went along with everything the doctors told me because I didn't really care at that point. The only thing I did care about was my fertility, in case things got better for me and I found someone I liked. My haematologist told me that they couldn't give me exact numbers because post-chemo male fertility is understudied. I did find some studies later on from 2014 that azoospermia post BEACOPP is as high as ~90%. Life has been an absolute drag at times since remission. I plaster a happy face on sometimes because that's the only thing IRLs care about, but if I ever feel sad for too many days in a row I get lectured and shouted at. I find myself regretting chemo, regretting not seeing a specialist about my symptoms in high school, I feel a lot of regret, but I can't express any of it. I feel like no-one understands and I have to bottle these feelings up. If I want to vent about being sad I'm suddenly selfish for wanting to talk about it.

I get that I survived, great, but what now? I'm a Ken doll, I exist just to exist and I have no agency, I simply belong to my parents. I just have no energy to do anything other than be a wageslave and pay for my own living expenses. What is there to look forward to? I asked this question once and my parents acted like I committed murder in front of them. I'd honestly be okay with life if I could just play video games 24/7 when I'm not working, but that makes my family pissed too. Even if I exercise, clean my room, etc., they refuse to let me play vidya more than a few hours each day without threatening to evict me. It sucks being so dependent on my family. The only ambition I have at this point is to maybe find a place where I can live by myself and play video games all the time.

Why is it so hard to get understanding, or to get my way? I wish I had some sort of refuge or shelter in this life. I hope some people here understand exactly what I'm expressing.

 

[-Link-]

Parental love, care, and concern can sometimes manifest as anger... wanting so much for their child to find their way in life that anything their child says or does that goes opposite to that induces a frustration in them that is then (inappropriately) redirected onto their child as a means of trying to motivate them.

I dealt with this with my own parents. For years, their response to my problems was largely one of frustration. But over time, their response became less hostile and more understanding. Now, they are as supportive as I could ever possibly ask them to be.

They basically had to go through their own process of enlightenment as they learned the hard way that, no, my problems weren't going to magically fix themselves through "tough love" driven by their annoyance and frustration. That what I needed from them, instead, was their support and understanding even if it meant I wouldn't have the life they wanted for me.

For your parents, threatening to evict you seems pretty extreme. I want to say that I was threatened with this -- or at least it was implied -- at a couple points, but I don't think they would have followed through on that. In your case, if your parents would actually kick you out, then that would be a very different situation as you'd be getting failed by factors outside your control.

Hopefully, though, this hostile response you're receiving from them is only an errant manifestation of their love, care, and concern, rather than an actual deficit of those things. Maybe since they watched their child beat cancer, what they're perceiving of you is that you're retreating inward at a time when they're expecting you to embrace life -- even if such an expectation is based on a stereotype for someone who's overcome a godawful illness ("you just beat death! why aren't you living life to the fullest?!").

If you are unable to do as they hope and expect, then they may have to go through a grieving process of their own before they tone down their outward aggression.

 

[vitbar]

Honestly getting a shit tier job and moving out was my best decision. I'm a wage slave, but I do what I want in my free time.