This is a 100% true story from my life, following trigger warnings apply: Pro-lifer, mental abuse, trust breakage, love, queerphobia, pretending to care
I was kinda a veteran on a programming×memes discordserver, when someone joined and started talking there. We both live in germany, we both are queer, (following maybe political)
we both are environmentalists, we both are leftists,
we both love programming. We didn't really notice eachother first, we both posted our programming and femboy memes. She posted about Rust and Haskell, I about Python and C++ (Programming languages). I started to like her more and more, and once I saw her posting about some environment protests, I teased her in the dms, made fun of our political views and said I secretly supported the protesters. She answered and suddenly sent me a thigh pic. I was fluttered to say the least. We both started to talk more and more, we became... friends. I visited her websites, looked at her videos, looked at her projects on github. She even (ironically) called me a stalker. Overall, it was nice.
Until one day, I shitted on functional programming too much (if you don't know what that is, it's just a programming paradigm, there's a semi-ironic war between the different paradigmns, don't think too much of it). Suddenly, she announced in chat that she blocked me. She was annoyed of me, joking about functional programming languages. I felt very bad about myself, I lost everything I built up to that point with her. I deserved it, and it should have been the end of our relationship. Catastrophe deflected...?, but to no avail, she unblocked me. She talked with me again, even though we didn't get close as we used to be, we got back on a semi friendship.
Now, you have to know, there are some non-queer-friendly people on that discord server, and with some I mean many, the admins didn't care that much, anyways one one day she was in a pretty bad mood. I asked her what's up, and she told me she's upset that she would only get HRT abiding to pre-2000 standarts instead of newer ones. Suddenly one of the lesser nice people really shitted on her. He said he believes she only got a mental disorder and other mean transphobic stuff. As the admins and moderators on this server did absolutely nothing, she left. I sent her a friend request (since we didn't share a common discord server anymore, dms would be only possible after we got friendship status on discord) and she accepted. I comforted her. We both started becoming friends again. She even gifted me Nitro and let me access a private part on her website, where many photos of her were. This will become important later on, remember that. I had my birthday soon, I already invited someone from the psych ward I used to be in I secretly loved, I got accepted into a new school to catch up with my Abitur, things were going OK. Suddenly, the boy I invited didn't want to come to my birthday anymore, he said "I think it's actually better that we don't meet" after I joked about suicide too much. Like, c'mon, you know how I am??? We went into the same mental ward??? I was devestated, so I did something I had no hope in: I told HER about the situation and asked HER if she wanted to come to my birthday, and to my complete suprise, she agreed. How lucky was I? Someone I only knew from the Internet actually (pretented) to care about me? And it actually happened, we both went out in the city, ate together, did a little sight seeing tour before we went to my home (I live with my mom) and programmed a little bit together. Next to when I got my rabbits it was the best day of my life so far. We continued to talk on discord, my feelings continued to developed for her, one day, I joined her group on matrix. It was an honor to join it, only her closest friends joined this group.
I had a group where I could post about my depression, talk about politics, talk about tech, talk about queerness etc. But my mood got so bad over time, that I wanted to ctb again, so one day I announced it in the group chat. I wanted to starve myself, and as my mother would go to REHA and my father with his friends to holidays there came a perfect opportunity where I would be unwatched. She tried to negotiate with me, but I stood my point. Well, to my horror, when I was in bed, somebody rang on our house bell in the middle of the night and when I opened the door the fucking police was infront of me. They took me to the psych ward. I got betrayed by her. I trusted her and she just called the police on me. She wanted to show her friends that she could actually make a difference and called the cops on me, fully knowing I hated it in the psychiatric ward. In the psychiatric ward, I of course completely raged out on her over text, I left the group chat and she our dms. There was no more contact between us. I had ruined everything again. Catastrophe deflected? Well, I apologized to her over email, and she actually forgave me. I joined back into the group chat, and things went pretty fast back to usual. We actually decided to meet up again, and when we did, it was the best day of my life. We not only programmed together, played together and ate together, but we made out and even had some sexual activities. It was beautiful. But things only got downhill from there. We distanced eachother, I had episodes from time to time, she didn't have time to meet me anyways because she had to learn for university and I became very unlikable. She as a response often blocked me and announced it in the chat, literally "You are too annoying, I've blocked you for now". It got so bad, I even selfharmed because of it.
But one day, it was simply too much. I said "I use Visual Studio Code with mouse" when the others in the group praised Vim, Micro etc. (Text editors/IDEs). She blocked me and smeared it into my face again. I'm sure she had a smile in her face when she told me she blocked me again, and remember how I sometimes told "catastrophe deflected..?" in my story? Well the catastrophe happened right then. I sweared at her, told her to kill herself, remember how she gave me access to the private site of her site? I leaked the credentials. I said I wished I never met her. Then, I left the group chat. I regretted it pretty fast, but after I wrote her a short apology she just left the dms. Some time passed, and I wrote a bigger apology. She said she didn't want as much as of a contact as earlier, but still some contact. She explained that she "tried to take care of me" (lie, because if she truly cared about me she wouldn't have kept announcing into the group chat that she blocked me, fully knowing what that would do with me) but it was too much for her since the beginning and that she didn't want that much of a friendship as we used to have. But knowing we could never be truly friends again I broke off contact with her completely. At this point I realized that I didn't deserve friends. Every friendship I ever had got either abondend or obliterated. And I broke off contact with every online friend I had. Well I knew one who was as suicidal as me, so I dmed a friend of theirs (who was also part of the discord server from the very beginning) that he should take a little care of them. I explained to him that I don't deserve friends and that's why I'm breaking contact with everyone I loved, because I hurt everyone I love. I also told him that I joined this pro-choice suicide forum, and guess what he did? He told HER (I didn't knew they still had contact), who in turn told MY MOTHER. I hated her from that point on, I told her that I hated her and that if she contacted my mom one more time that I'd tell the police about some if the crimes she confessed to me, I told her to burn in hell and insulted her. I also told her I wish she was as suicidal as me so she knew how I'm feeling. That's my last contact with her. I still hate her, and don't regret what I did.
That's all, take that as a lesson to not try to "take care of me" or "fix me", because that really backfired for her and I really don't want that to happen to you guys too. I hope y'all have a not so miserable day. Goodbye, feel free to ask questions for clarification.
Edit1: wording
I was kinda a veteran on a programming×memes discordserver, when someone joined and started talking there. We both live in germany, we both are queer, (following maybe political)
we both are environmentalists, we both are leftists,
we both love programming. We didn't really notice eachother first, we both posted our programming and femboy memes. She posted about Rust and Haskell, I about Python and C++ (Programming languages). I started to like her more and more, and once I saw her posting about some environment protests, I teased her in the dms, made fun of our political views and said I secretly supported the protesters. She answered and suddenly sent me a thigh pic. I was fluttered to say the least. We both started to talk more and more, we became... friends. I visited her websites, looked at her videos, looked at her projects on github. She even (ironically) called me a stalker. Overall, it was nice.
Until one day, I shitted on functional programming too much (if you don't know what that is, it's just a programming paradigm, there's a semi-ironic war between the different paradigmns, don't think too much of it). Suddenly, she announced in chat that she blocked me. She was annoyed of me, joking about functional programming languages. I felt very bad about myself, I lost everything I built up to that point with her. I deserved it, and it should have been the end of our relationship. Catastrophe deflected...?, but to no avail, she unblocked me. She talked with me again, even though we didn't get close as we used to be, we got back on a semi friendship.
Now, you have to know, there are some non-queer-friendly people on that discord server, and with some I mean many, the admins didn't care that much, anyways one one day she was in a pretty bad mood. I asked her what's up, and she told me she's upset that she would only get HRT abiding to pre-2000 standarts instead of newer ones. Suddenly one of the lesser nice people really shitted on her. He said he believes she only got a mental disorder and other mean transphobic stuff. As the admins and moderators on this server did absolutely nothing, she left. I sent her a friend request (since we didn't share a common discord server anymore, dms would be only possible after we got friendship status on discord) and she accepted. I comforted her. We both started becoming friends again. She even gifted me Nitro and let me access a private part on her website, where many photos of her were. This will become important later on, remember that. I had my birthday soon, I already invited someone from the psych ward I used to be in I secretly loved, I got accepted into a new school to catch up with my Abitur, things were going OK. Suddenly, the boy I invited didn't want to come to my birthday anymore, he said "I think it's actually better that we don't meet" after I joked about suicide too much. Like, c'mon, you know how I am??? We went into the same mental ward??? I was devestated, so I did something I had no hope in: I told HER about the situation and asked HER if she wanted to come to my birthday, and to my complete suprise, she agreed. How lucky was I? Someone I only knew from the Internet actually (pretented) to care about me? And it actually happened, we both went out in the city, ate together, did a little sight seeing tour before we went to my home (I live with my mom) and programmed a little bit together. Next to when I got my rabbits it was the best day of my life so far. We continued to talk on discord, my feelings continued to developed for her, one day, I joined her group on matrix. It was an honor to join it, only her closest friends joined this group.
I had a group where I could post about my depression, talk about politics, talk about tech, talk about queerness etc. But my mood got so bad over time, that I wanted to ctb again, so one day I announced it in the group chat. I wanted to starve myself, and as my mother would go to REHA and my father with his friends to holidays there came a perfect opportunity where I would be unwatched. She tried to negotiate with me, but I stood my point. Well, to my horror, when I was in bed, somebody rang on our house bell in the middle of the night and when I opened the door the fucking police was infront of me. They took me to the psych ward. I got betrayed by her. I trusted her and she just called the police on me. She wanted to show her friends that she could actually make a difference and called the cops on me, fully knowing I hated it in the psychiatric ward. In the psychiatric ward, I of course completely raged out on her over text, I left the group chat and she our dms. There was no more contact between us. I had ruined everything again. Catastrophe deflected? Well, I apologized to her over email, and she actually forgave me. I joined back into the group chat, and things went pretty fast back to usual. We actually decided to meet up again, and when we did, it was the best day of my life. We not only programmed together, played together and ate together, but we made out and even had some sexual activities. It was beautiful. But things only got downhill from there. We distanced eachother, I had episodes from time to time, she didn't have time to meet me anyways because she had to learn for university and I became very unlikable. She as a response often blocked me and announced it in the chat, literally "You are too annoying, I've blocked you for now". It got so bad, I even selfharmed because of it.
But one day, it was simply too much. I said "I use Visual Studio Code with mouse" when the others in the group praised Vim, Micro etc. (Text editors/IDEs). She blocked me and smeared it into my face again. I'm sure she had a smile in her face when she told me she blocked me again, and remember how I sometimes told "catastrophe deflected..?" in my story? Well the catastrophe happened right then. I sweared at her, told her to kill herself, remember how she gave me access to the private site of her site? I leaked the credentials. I said I wished I never met her. Then, I left the group chat. I regretted it pretty fast, but after I wrote her a short apology she just left the dms. Some time passed, and I wrote a bigger apology. She said she didn't want as much as of a contact as earlier, but still some contact. She explained that she "tried to take care of me" (lie, because if she truly cared about me she wouldn't have kept announcing into the group chat that she blocked me, fully knowing what that would do with me) but it was too much for her since the beginning and that she didn't want that much of a friendship as we used to have. But knowing we could never be truly friends again I broke off contact with her completely. At this point I realized that I didn't deserve friends. Every friendship I ever had got either abondend or obliterated. And I broke off contact with every online friend I had. Well I knew one who was as suicidal as me, so I dmed a friend of theirs (who was also part of the discord server from the very beginning) that he should take a little care of them. I explained to him that I don't deserve friends and that's why I'm breaking contact with everyone I loved, because I hurt everyone I love. I also told him that I joined this pro-choice suicide forum, and guess what he did? He told HER (I didn't knew they still had contact), who in turn told MY MOTHER. I hated her from that point on, I told her that I hated her and that if she contacted my mom one more time that I'd tell the police about some if the crimes she confessed to me, I told her to burn in hell and insulted her. I also told her I wish she was as suicidal as me so she knew how I'm feeling. That's my last contact with her. I still hate her, and don't regret what I did.
That's all, take that as a lesson to not try to "take care of me" or "fix me", because that really backfired for her and I really don't want that to happen to you guys too. I hope y'all have a not so miserable day. Goodbye, feel free to ask questions for clarification.
Edit1: wording
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