Story Failure

[Gromit-CTB]

Been a tough day.

As some of you know I was bringing ctb forward. Well I tried today.

Even though I suffer terrible social anxiety I managed to leave my apartment and get myself to beachy head.

It was a 3 hour bus and train journey and then had to walk 4.5 miles as the correct bus didn't run from Brighton only runs on a Saturday. I started out at 9 this morning and got to BH at 3pm. Found my spot and through the wind and rain got myself ready. I tried to jump 3 times but every time I got to the edge it was like someone held me back physically. The chaplain team came to speak with me and I convinced them I was just a walker and they left me. I went for a coffee in the pub and at 5pm went back to spot. I tried another 3 times and again couldn't get over edge. It wasn't SI, I seriously felt being stopped before going over.

Am a total failure.

I went to the chaplain office at 6.30 as the first time I spoke with them they offered me a lift to Eastbourne station.

Ended up having to chat with 2 really nice police officers, who were convinced I wasn't a risk and after the lady officer made me a tea, they dropped me at train station. I have only just got back home and decided to tell my SS family of this failure.

Needless to say my details were taken and now I cannot go BH again to jump.

This was never my preference but I really thought it was the way out.

Am very disappointed in myself and now have to rely on other methods I have. I will still try and ctb just can't go jumping from BH again

Photo of BH today below

 

[foxdie]

You are absolutely not a failure at all my friend. The courage it took to just to get there is immense. All those buses and trains, just thinking about it activates my social anxiety. You are brave for even making it there. I'm so sorry for your pain, this world is so unfair and unnecessary cruel. Sending some love and hugs to you in this tough time.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Don't be so hard on yourself Gromit, you are not a failure at all.

We'll always be here for you, so for now, just go warm up and get cozy, you must have been really cold being there for so long. Seems like it's been a long and exhausting day for you as well, so I hope you can get some rest tonight.

Please remember that when you want to talk, I'm just a message away. Sending you love and virtual hugs.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

You aren't a failure. CTBing isn't easy. 97% of CTB attempts "fail".

 

[toseeyousmile]

Working up the courage to do something like that would be real hard you honestly shouldn't blame yourself too harshly for this

 

[Neowise]

No, you are not a failure. Jumping off such a huge cliff surely is something you need nerves as thick as ropes for. It is understandable that it wasn't that easy for you.
Give your experiences today a thought. In a few days you might know whether you wanna try again or want to look for a different method. Don't put yourself down because you didn't do it, that is absolutely no shame.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

I got soaked and am freezing, the worst part was slipping over getting to spot and having to walk round all day covered in mud

Thank you for the kind words but I know I'm a failure. I am still here so am a failure. Thought I was man enough to jump alone. If my friend had waited for me it would have worked and I would not be posting this now.

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry.

 

[NodusTollens]

I wouldn't say you're a failure, though it may feel like it. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you today.

 

[MrBlue]

I got soaked and am freezing, the worst part was slipping over getting to spot and having to walk round all day covered in mudView attachment 53583

Thank you for the kind words but I know I'm a failure. I am still here so am a failure. Thought I was man enough to jump alone. If my friend had waited for me it would have worked and I would not be posting this now.

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry.

You're definitely not a failure mate, though I relate the feeling that you just fucked up your best opportunity.

My last serious attempt was also jumping and I also felt that weird force pushing me back, like my brain wanted to die but my body wasn't having any of it despite being completely calm. It was a fairly public spot and the talk with police scared the shit out of me!

 

[Desi]

You're very courageous to tell the story as it is, that's nowhere near a failure, no.

 

[Cakes]

Awh Grom. You are not a failure! You showed a lot of courage today and done well to over come the anixtey and venturing outside..
CTB is a big step. It's not easy.
You deserve now to rest up, be warm and comfortable and give yourself a pat. You've been through a lot today.

You have a lot of love and comfort here on SS :) I know it wasn't the outcome you wanted, but it's nice to see you back

 

[darksideofthebright]

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry.

Let them tears out Gromit, don't let what the society defines "a man" as stop you from feeling all of your emotions. I hope you had a good cry, crying can be so relieving.

 

[constant_grief]

Thank you for the kind words but I know I'm a failure. I am still here so am a failure. Thought I was man enough to jump alone. If my friend had waited for me it would have worked and I would not be posting this now.

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry.

Trust me you are not a failure! You are going through a very tough time. Nothing wrong with a good cry either... I've been doing that a bunch of times recently, that's for sure.

 

[foxdie]

I got soaked and am freezing, the worst part was slipping over getting to spot and having to walk round all day covered in mudView attachment 53583

Thank you for the kind words but I know I'm a failure. I am still here so am a failure. Thought I was man enough to jump alone. If my friend had waited for me it would have worked and I would not be posting this now.

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry.

I've been crying all day over a stupid dream. You had a huge experience today, no shame in that brother. Let it flow. I also bawled my eyes out when I attempted earlier this year.

 

[justanotherstar]

Been a tough day.

As some of you know I was bringing ctb forward. Well I tried today.

Even though I suffer terrible social anxiety I managed to leave my apartment and get myself to beachy head.

It was a 3 hour bus and train journey and then had to walk 4.5 miles as the correct bus didn't run from Brighton only runs on a Saturday. I started out at 9 this morning and got to BH at 3pm. Found my spot and through the wind and rain got myself ready. I tried to jump 3 times but every time I got to the edge it was like someone held me back physically. The chaplain team came to speak with me and I convinced them I was just a walker and they left me. I went for a coffee in the pub and at 5pm went back to spot. I tried another 3 times and again couldn't get over edge. It wasn't SI, I seriously felt being stopped before going over.

Am a total failure.

I went to the chaplain office at 6.30 as the first time I spoke with them they offered me a lift to Eastbourne station.

Ended up having to chat with 2 really nice police officers, who were convinced I wasn't a risk and after the lady officer made me a tea, they dropped me at train station. I have only just got back home and decided to tell my SS family of this failure.

Needless to say my details were taken and now I cannot go BH again to jump.

This was never my preference but I really thought it was the way out.

Am very disappointed in myself and now have to rely on other methods I have. I will still try and ctb just can't go jumping from BH again

Photo of BH today below
View attachment 53579

Sorry you've had such a tough day Gromit :-( I don't think you're in any way a failure. The ideas we have in our head often don't translate into the reality of the situation. In 2016 I travelled to BH to jump too but couldn't do it because like you felt there was something physically holding me back - I can't explain it to this day I was just mesmerised by the view - so you are not alone in this experience. Thanks for sharing the beautiful picture. I know it can be tough after your plans have fallen through, I'm here if you wanna talk

 

[Desi]

I'm across the Channel. BH is quite an intriguing place. Have no hope to get there in the near future.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

It was odd I know it wasn't SI. I ran and as soon as I got to edge I was stopped. I even slipped once and was happy as I thought this was it but somehow even over balancing o fell backwards as if I was pushed. Not saying there is some religious force but something stopped me.
Thank you for all the kind words. You guys are amazing and I love everyone of you.

Now have to go back to my ricin poison or if the elusive SN arrives try that. But for now my hope of BH has gone.
I ended up giving up trying after the 6th attempt as I could hear someone next to me say, we will let you go but you will fail on ctb and be alive at bottom in pain and no one will come for you tonight, tomorrow you will be found and will be alive but will never have a quality of life. I know this make me sound crazy but am telling it like it is.

That place is beautiful but also has a strange vibe about it.

Was so calm every time I was ready to jump but seriously feels like hitting a brick wall when you do go for it.

 

[yive]

relax, it's not your fault that this whole life and this whole world is so terrible and unfair.
i'm glad to see you again

ctb is a very serious decision, and it is not easy.
we will respect and understand you regardless of the decision you make, and regardless of whether your attempts are successful or not.

thanks for telling us your story. hope our words helped you

 

[Meditation guide]

An unseen force stopped you and I'm sorry you went through all that. For some reason you were forced to live. Thank you for telling your story. You showed a lot of courage to go through what you did.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Thank you all for the kind words. I am still unable to sleep after all that went on today. Even though I went through it, it still seems like a soap opera script reading it back. Am gutted to still be here, will be trying another way to ctb very soon, I hope that one works.

 

[Silver]

Gromit, you were so brave travelling there the way you did; I wouldn't have been able to do it. Please don't see yourself as a failure for not being able to jump, and please be kind to yourself

 

[Sakura94]

Really glad you didn't jump, Grom. You're not a failure.
Thanks for your story and experience. Jumping might be my main method, it's between this and sn.

 

[Meditation guide]

Can be honest with my SS family and say I had a little cry, well a big cry

Seeing your muddy shoes and trousers, knowing what you went through, walking out there in the cold wind and rain, only to end up crying because you couldn't do it, makes me want to cry too.

There simply must be laws changed to let those of us who can't bear it here to go in an easier more peaceful way.

 

[Meditation guide]

you don't want to die

This is a troll post. Leave the guy alone! Try to have some basic human compassion. Of course he wants to die.

 

[Meditation guide]

read yourself again? he obviously doesn't want to die

Why not simply believe him? He obviously does. Do you think it's easy to jump off a cliff?

 

[Meditation guide]

depends on if you want to die or not

Do you realize that the majority of people on this forum really want to die? But they don't have any way to do it that they are able to pull off? I feel like you don't understand any of this.

 

[_Kaira_]

depends on if you want to die or not

I'm sorry but that's very ignorant to say. People can fear death but still want to die... yes people may not be ready to go just yet, but their feelings are still valid.

 

[Ghost2211]

You're not a failure, and to be honest you're much braver than I am to make the trip at all. I'm sorry it was such a hard day. I'm glad the police were nice to you.

 

[Meditation guide]

and even with that i doubt OP does really want to be dead now

I find your statement incredibly cruel. After all he went through. To claim he doesn't want to be dead is deliberate cruelty.

 

[Mer]

depends on if you want to die or not

Sorry but no. It's extremely hard to overcome one's own survival instinct.