cosmic_traveler
Eternal Spirit Experiencing a Human Moment
- Dec 23, 2023
- 310
We've tried all the remedies, therapies, medications, and hospitalizations. Around every corner we get pushed back even further. We've never been "just Jonathon", we've always been pretending, faking it, faking ourself.
Our last "near attempt" was "before May 1st", our divorce date. We promised we would kill ourself before getting divorced, our psychosis had us believe April 28th and 29th were April 30th. Those 3 days were the longest days we've ever experienced.
The most recent thread keeping us attached to this reality is DVR (department of vocational rehabilitation). We contacted them in January, we still have not received any of the benefits they supposedly offer. It really feels way too little, extremely too late.
We haven't left our bed in months. Our mother is kind enough to buy us ramen noodles and apple juice, but our relationship is awful. She has requested that we CTB together twice. We won't CTB under her roof, we don't want her to be the one to discover us. We can't drive anywhere, if we are in the driver's seat we will drive off a cliff.
We haven't received any sympathy from doctors apparently because our attempts have all been "non-violent" they equate that to being "not serious". The case management agency that held our services hostage for months has a full glass wall for the entrance. We're thinking of torching our car then crashing it into their lobby.
Sounds petty, but we want to fuck some people up for what they've put us through. It's much better than the alternative. The only motivation we have to continue living, is to get even with the shitty humans we have encountered. 2 blocks away from my mother is a huge turd of a human that Dante wants to burn alive. Same goes for our father, brother, a towing agency, and several others. We know and understand that we're a rabid animal, it's better for everyone if we put ourself down first.
Instead of the dramatic pyrotechnics, we've also been keen to the idea of laying down on a knife positioned over our heart. Should be quick, effective, clean, and not involve anyone else, with the additional benefit that we could go lay down in nature, maybe not even get discovered, and just become one with the dirt. We haven't been "alive" for some time now, we're just waiting to die.
Nearly every night we have out of body experiences. We can feel, smell, and taste these experiences, they have to be more than dreams. They feel more real than real. It's probably our consciousness trying to escape the prison of this body. We go to sleep crying, we wake up crying, we shower crying, we eat crying, we're just a big fucking cry baby.
There isn't any point to this post, we're just venting into the void. We appreciate this forum for allowing us to spill our guts freely.
Our last "near attempt" was "before May 1st", our divorce date. We promised we would kill ourself before getting divorced, our psychosis had us believe April 28th and 29th were April 30th. Those 3 days were the longest days we've ever experienced.
The most recent thread keeping us attached to this reality is DVR (department of vocational rehabilitation). We contacted them in January, we still have not received any of the benefits they supposedly offer. It really feels way too little, extremely too late.
We haven't left our bed in months. Our mother is kind enough to buy us ramen noodles and apple juice, but our relationship is awful. She has requested that we CTB together twice. We won't CTB under her roof, we don't want her to be the one to discover us. We can't drive anywhere, if we are in the driver's seat we will drive off a cliff.
We haven't received any sympathy from doctors apparently because our attempts have all been "non-violent" they equate that to being "not serious". The case management agency that held our services hostage for months has a full glass wall for the entrance. We're thinking of torching our car then crashing it into their lobby.
Sounds petty, but we want to fuck some people up for what they've put us through. It's much better than the alternative. The only motivation we have to continue living, is to get even with the shitty humans we have encountered. 2 blocks away from my mother is a huge turd of a human that Dante wants to burn alive. Same goes for our father, brother, a towing agency, and several others. We know and understand that we're a rabid animal, it's better for everyone if we put ourself down first.
Instead of the dramatic pyrotechnics, we've also been keen to the idea of laying down on a knife positioned over our heart. Should be quick, effective, clean, and not involve anyone else, with the additional benefit that we could go lay down in nature, maybe not even get discovered, and just become one with the dirt. We haven't been "alive" for some time now, we're just waiting to die.
Nearly every night we have out of body experiences. We can feel, smell, and taste these experiences, they have to be more than dreams. They feel more real than real. It's probably our consciousness trying to escape the prison of this body. We go to sleep crying, we wake up crying, we shower crying, we eat crying, we're just a big fucking cry baby.
There isn't any point to this post, we're just venting into the void. We appreciate this forum for allowing us to spill our guts freely.
