CesiumBullet
Member
- May 7, 2025
- 37
On Saturday I impulsively and unsuccessfully attempted to end my life. And the weird thing is I have no real idea why I decided to in that moment. I think I had just been exhausted and gave into my chronic suicidality. I was dysphoric, stressed from work, tired of living, even just bored.
I've already been hospitalized once for ideation, but this is the first time I've actually been locked up in a psych ward for an attempt. At around 4pm on Saturday I decided to take some benzos for fun. It didn't take long for one pill to turn into four. As I drugged myself, I thought I may as well practice different methods of hanging. It didn't take long for practice to turn into an attempt.
Using a fabric belt I tried partial hanging on a doorknob and eventually moved onto ligature strangulation (half knot + reef knot). I remember reading a book where the main character was being walked to her death, but was given some potion to make her comfortable and uncaring about the process. Benzodiazepines work exactly like this. I absolutely did not care at all what happened to me. After 4mg of lorazepam my survival instinct was nearly gone. I was too high to figure out how to properly tie the knots, so I changed my course and tried to mix my drugs with some alcohol.
Once I started drinking alcohol, I was completely blacked out. It's possible that after this I compulsively redosed more lorazepam. My memory from here on is very spotty. I remember my boyfriend calling me; he knew something was wrong. I remember him walking into my room, seeing my pants off and legs covered in SH. The last thing I remember is getting in his car. Next thing I knew, I woke up the day after in what was basically a rubber room in a hospital. I've never had surgery before, but I imagine OD'ing on benzos is basically like getting anaesthetized.
I spent two nights in this holding unit. I wasn't allowed anything but scrubs. When I tried rolling up the bedsheets to strangle myself again, a nurse ran in and threatened to take it away from me. I complied. I was then put into a 72-hour involuntary detention in a psych ward. The ward was pretty close to what it looks like on TV - a lot of people with very high support needs, violent tendencies, and no self-awareness. There were also plenty of people who seemed perfectly 'normal' like me. I got out yesterday.
Some take-aways: get benzos if at all possible to assist in CTBing. Lie about having panic attacks to a GP or psychiatrist. If they don't give you pills, try getting in a psych ward - they're less stuck-up and want to keep you sedated. Otherwise, use DNMs. These miracle drugs turn off your survival instinct and you don't even know it. Your death will be less instant, less painful, less scary.
AMA.
I've already been hospitalized once for ideation, but this is the first time I've actually been locked up in a psych ward for an attempt. At around 4pm on Saturday I decided to take some benzos for fun. It didn't take long for one pill to turn into four. As I drugged myself, I thought I may as well practice different methods of hanging. It didn't take long for practice to turn into an attempt.
Using a fabric belt I tried partial hanging on a doorknob and eventually moved onto ligature strangulation (half knot + reef knot). I remember reading a book where the main character was being walked to her death, but was given some potion to make her comfortable and uncaring about the process. Benzodiazepines work exactly like this. I absolutely did not care at all what happened to me. After 4mg of lorazepam my survival instinct was nearly gone. I was too high to figure out how to properly tie the knots, so I changed my course and tried to mix my drugs with some alcohol.
Once I started drinking alcohol, I was completely blacked out. It's possible that after this I compulsively redosed more lorazepam. My memory from here on is very spotty. I remember my boyfriend calling me; he knew something was wrong. I remember him walking into my room, seeing my pants off and legs covered in SH. The last thing I remember is getting in his car. Next thing I knew, I woke up the day after in what was basically a rubber room in a hospital. I've never had surgery before, but I imagine OD'ing on benzos is basically like getting anaesthetized.
I spent two nights in this holding unit. I wasn't allowed anything but scrubs. When I tried rolling up the bedsheets to strangle myself again, a nurse ran in and threatened to take it away from me. I complied. I was then put into a 72-hour involuntary detention in a psych ward. The ward was pretty close to what it looks like on TV - a lot of people with very high support needs, violent tendencies, and no self-awareness. There were also plenty of people who seemed perfectly 'normal' like me. I got out yesterday.
Some take-aways: get benzos if at all possible to assist in CTBing. Lie about having panic attacks to a GP or psychiatrist. If they don't give you pills, try getting in a psych ward - they're less stuck-up and want to keep you sedated. Otherwise, use DNMs. These miracle drugs turn off your survival instinct and you don't even know it. Your death will be less instant, less painful, less scary.
AMA.
