I planned everything and it almost worked:
I left the goodbye letters for my partner and dad and my testament on my desk at home so my partner would find those letters when he arrives from work.
I put my goodbye letter into the mailbox of my psychiatric consultant, asked the staff if they will open their mailbox this day (I assumed they won't do it but I didn't want to take any risks), said it was about a thing I talked to my psychiatric consultant yesterday and left immediately. They wanted to open the mailbox immediately so I had to made sure to disappear and catch the tram.
Fortunately they didn't assume anything was wrong and I didn't even have to wait a minute for my tram to arrive.
I put my mobile phone into the flight mode and hoped the police would be lame AF and didn't start to search intensively.
I arrived at my final destination. No one was there. A snowy meadow with some trees. I always loved the nature and I felt safe because less people take a walk there when it's winter.
I turned the flight mode off to see if my partner sent me a message. I intended to send him a message to confirm I am ok and doing some household stuff. But before I was able to send him that message, he called me, I picked up.
Big mistake.
He told me the police called him, tried to call me twice and searched for me due to the goodbye letter I put into the mailbox.
I couldn't believe they called my partner. I panicked because my partner knew where my favorite place was and I was scared he will tell them or drive away from his job to search for me there.
I couldn't go home because that's where the police might search me first and I didn't assume the police would use my partner to find me.
So I told my partner I am fine but not where I am. I hung up. My father called me. Great... I love my dad so I picked up. He cheered me a bit up but I wasn't convinced to give up.
I hung up and my partner sent me a message that I should call that mobile phone number that tried to call me (I received a message that the number xxx tried to reach me).
I was stuck. I didn't know if the police was able to pick up a signal when I turned off the flight mode. My plan didn't work as intended. I intended to have some minutes before cutting my throat to "enjoy" those last moments on earth but since I knew they involved my partner and father I couldn't think clearly.
Plus it was cold outside (39.2 Fahrenheit / 4° Celsius) and I started feeling very cold.
My partner assured me the police just wants to talk to me and see if I am alright. I believed him so I did the stupidest thing and called that xxx phone number. They offered me that they would talk to me and drive me to my psychiatric consultant so I can talk to him.
We met in a cemetery (how ironic) and they were nice and calm. They offered me to come and sit in their car and talking to them. Because it was so cold and I was wandering for 2-3 hours outside I agreed. Inside the car we talked and I denied that I had real suicidal intentions.
About 10 minutes later the ambulance arrived and I was thinking "You gotta be kidding me! They lied to me!"
They did their protocol thing, I denied suicidal intentions and a suicidal plan but their decision was made before they arrived so I had no choice but to come with them.
I tried to figure out how to escape and I figured out I could escape from the ambulance when they started driving but nah, the police man who talked to me came into the ambulance car, too. I was fucked.
The police wouldn't have searched for me and my own fear tricked me. I could have been already dead but they just chilled and waited if the trap with my partner would work. So all I had to do was not calling them but I was so stupid and called them back. But at least that one police officer was nice and professional.
I was able to leave the closed psychiatric ward after 1 night. The assistant medical doctor mocked me this time (I was in the "IDGAF" mood because I just want to be dead). He claimed I was a drama queen because this wasn't the first time I was in their psychiatric ward. He thinks I do all this to get some attention.
Well, joke's on you, you idiot: I was able to smuggle in some razor blades and did an attempt there but y'all believed me that I just scratched myself with my fingernails on my neck.
My partner knew those "scratches" were done with a sharp tool but luckily I was able to convince him to drive me home.
I talked to my psychiatric consultant today and they were shocked that I was able to leave the closed psychiatric ward after 1 night (btw. the day before they thought I left them chocolate in their mailbox :( ).
They were relieved to see me and my psychiatric consultant talked to me:
He asked me if I regret it (I said no), about my scratches and why I didn't cut deeper (yes, I know if I really wanted to CTB I would have cut deeper). He is a professional good man but I am scared he might think this was just a game for me.
After all that I feel lost, I have zero interest in anything, I don't know what to do, I feel very tired. I feel ashamed about my failed attempt. I'd like to make a new plan but I have zero energy and motivation now.
What should I do now? What did help you?
I left the goodbye letters for my partner and dad and my testament on my desk at home so my partner would find those letters when he arrives from work.
I put my goodbye letter into the mailbox of my psychiatric consultant, asked the staff if they will open their mailbox this day (I assumed they won't do it but I didn't want to take any risks), said it was about a thing I talked to my psychiatric consultant yesterday and left immediately. They wanted to open the mailbox immediately so I had to made sure to disappear and catch the tram.
Fortunately they didn't assume anything was wrong and I didn't even have to wait a minute for my tram to arrive.
I put my mobile phone into the flight mode and hoped the police would be lame AF and didn't start to search intensively.
I arrived at my final destination. No one was there. A snowy meadow with some trees. I always loved the nature and I felt safe because less people take a walk there when it's winter.
I turned the flight mode off to see if my partner sent me a message. I intended to send him a message to confirm I am ok and doing some household stuff. But before I was able to send him that message, he called me, I picked up.
Big mistake.
He told me the police called him, tried to call me twice and searched for me due to the goodbye letter I put into the mailbox.
I couldn't believe they called my partner. I panicked because my partner knew where my favorite place was and I was scared he will tell them or drive away from his job to search for me there.
I couldn't go home because that's where the police might search me first and I didn't assume the police would use my partner to find me.
So I told my partner I am fine but not where I am. I hung up. My father called me. Great... I love my dad so I picked up. He cheered me a bit up but I wasn't convinced to give up.
I hung up and my partner sent me a message that I should call that mobile phone number that tried to call me (I received a message that the number xxx tried to reach me).
I was stuck. I didn't know if the police was able to pick up a signal when I turned off the flight mode. My plan didn't work as intended. I intended to have some minutes before cutting my throat to "enjoy" those last moments on earth but since I knew they involved my partner and father I couldn't think clearly.
Plus it was cold outside (39.2 Fahrenheit / 4° Celsius) and I started feeling very cold.
My partner assured me the police just wants to talk to me and see if I am alright. I believed him so I did the stupidest thing and called that xxx phone number. They offered me that they would talk to me and drive me to my psychiatric consultant so I can talk to him.
We met in a cemetery (how ironic) and they were nice and calm. They offered me to come and sit in their car and talking to them. Because it was so cold and I was wandering for 2-3 hours outside I agreed. Inside the car we talked and I denied that I had real suicidal intentions.
About 10 minutes later the ambulance arrived and I was thinking "You gotta be kidding me! They lied to me!"
They did their protocol thing, I denied suicidal intentions and a suicidal plan but their decision was made before they arrived so I had no choice but to come with them.
I tried to figure out how to escape and I figured out I could escape from the ambulance when they started driving but nah, the police man who talked to me came into the ambulance car, too. I was fucked.
The police wouldn't have searched for me and my own fear tricked me. I could have been already dead but they just chilled and waited if the trap with my partner would work. So all I had to do was not calling them but I was so stupid and called them back. But at least that one police officer was nice and professional.
I was able to leave the closed psychiatric ward after 1 night. The assistant medical doctor mocked me this time (I was in the "IDGAF" mood because I just want to be dead). He claimed I was a drama queen because this wasn't the first time I was in their psychiatric ward. He thinks I do all this to get some attention.
Well, joke's on you, you idiot: I was able to smuggle in some razor blades and did an attempt there but y'all believed me that I just scratched myself with my fingernails on my neck.
My partner knew those "scratches" were done with a sharp tool but luckily I was able to convince him to drive me home.
I talked to my psychiatric consultant today and they were shocked that I was able to leave the closed psychiatric ward after 1 night (btw. the day before they thought I left them chocolate in their mailbox :( ).
They were relieved to see me and my psychiatric consultant talked to me:
He asked me if I regret it (I said no), about my scratches and why I didn't cut deeper (yes, I know if I really wanted to CTB I would have cut deeper). He is a professional good man but I am scared he might think this was just a game for me.
After all that I feel lost, I have zero interest in anything, I don't know what to do, I feel very tired. I feel ashamed about my failed attempt. I'd like to make a new plan but I have zero energy and motivation now.
What should I do now? What did help you?
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