funhaver63
boything
- Jul 22, 2026
- 33
I think if I were to write all the thoughts that have been running through my head, I would probably end up with 5k+ words, which isn't really something i want to do so I will try to be brief. I guess that i will use this as a sort of journal/vent/teaching oppurtunity
About a week ago I was practicing psh while waiting for for some drugs to arrive to dampen SI. I had recently gotten a rope and was ready to try and have a proper attempt after so many times of succumbing to SI. So I was practicing not with the intention of dying that night, but also perfectly content with dying had the opportunity presented itself. As I approached black out I reflexively got up from the standing position I was in and went to claw at the slipknot and loosen it. But, prior to the actual hanging, I guess I had tied the knot too tight already, which made it impossible for me to loosen the knot on my own and take it off. After being choked and slowly losing oxygen, I caved in and woke up my dad to take of the knot with some scissors and a knife, during which I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and had wished that I mustered the strength to finish the job .
Though my parents knew I was very depressed, I had never revealed or hinted towards my ctb plans or thoughts, which led to my dad being uncharacteristically affectionate as he told me how he wishes that I be more open with him. The following day, my parents stood at my bedside as they asked me questions relating to the attempt, my thoughts and feelings, why I feel the way I do, etc. I had many mixed feelings during this, because although I felt loved and cared for by my family, which is a bit rare since we don't often spend much time together or talk that much, I also felt as if this was an insignificant occurrence. Perhaps this was partially because I hadn't fully planned out for that day to be the day I ctb'd, and also because I feel as if Im deceiving or tricking them by fully knowing that that I still want to and plan to ctb.
My dad had told many people, in a round about way or directly, about my attempt, including family members, my dentist (confused about that still), and the parents of my best friend who i'd known since I was eight. Though I would consider her my best friend, neither of us had talked about real issues or thoughts that were significantly weighing on us. we talked about both of our ctb thought, to which we revealed that she has gained a fear of death and is regaining a zeal for life, whereas I still feel the same.
I am appreciative of my failed attempt (which I hadn't even intended to kill me) in someways, mostly in that I feel much closer to my friend and that i can feel closer to my parents, but I can't shake the feeling that I am almost leading them on in a way by not telling fully communicating that I will still ctb whenever I feel the time is right or that I am sufficiently pressured. Though I will say that through further reflection, I do feel very shitty about ctb ing given that I was born into a pretty comfortable life, with pretty decent parents, with all things considered, and friends that care about me. I cannot shake away the desire to ctb, though.
As for insites on psh, I came to realize how truly important it is to be confident in your ability to overcome SI. Though the motivation and feelings might be enough to push you to ctb, you still need mental fortitude or pressure to fully ctb. This is especially the case with psh since you are generally in control of the situation the entire time you are conscious. That is unless, of course, you allow for the rope to become too tight around your neck. Other than tightening the rope enough so that you can line up the rope with whatever spot you chose to ctb with, you don't need to tighten the rope very much at all, since the knot will tighten itself as you fall into it.
I am sorry if this feels kind of unfocused, I kinda just felt that writing a post like this would be a good way to reflect on this series of events. Life after being caught trying to die is a bit strange since im not very fond of having so many people know this about me, especially my dentist, and im also not super happy with the mark that the rope has left on my throat. I hope someone can get something out of this mess
About a week ago I was practicing psh while waiting for for some drugs to arrive to dampen SI. I had recently gotten a rope and was ready to try and have a proper attempt after so many times of succumbing to SI. So I was practicing not with the intention of dying that night, but also perfectly content with dying had the opportunity presented itself. As I approached black out I reflexively got up from the standing position I was in and went to claw at the slipknot and loosen it. But, prior to the actual hanging, I guess I had tied the knot too tight already, which made it impossible for me to loosen the knot on my own and take it off. After being choked and slowly losing oxygen, I caved in and woke up my dad to take of the knot with some scissors and a knife, during which I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and had wished that I mustered the strength to finish the job .
Though my parents knew I was very depressed, I had never revealed or hinted towards my ctb plans or thoughts, which led to my dad being uncharacteristically affectionate as he told me how he wishes that I be more open with him. The following day, my parents stood at my bedside as they asked me questions relating to the attempt, my thoughts and feelings, why I feel the way I do, etc. I had many mixed feelings during this, because although I felt loved and cared for by my family, which is a bit rare since we don't often spend much time together or talk that much, I also felt as if this was an insignificant occurrence. Perhaps this was partially because I hadn't fully planned out for that day to be the day I ctb'd, and also because I feel as if Im deceiving or tricking them by fully knowing that that I still want to and plan to ctb.
My dad had told many people, in a round about way or directly, about my attempt, including family members, my dentist (confused about that still), and the parents of my best friend who i'd known since I was eight. Though I would consider her my best friend, neither of us had talked about real issues or thoughts that were significantly weighing on us. we talked about both of our ctb thought, to which we revealed that she has gained a fear of death and is regaining a zeal for life, whereas I still feel the same.
I am appreciative of my failed attempt (which I hadn't even intended to kill me) in someways, mostly in that I feel much closer to my friend and that i can feel closer to my parents, but I can't shake the feeling that I am almost leading them on in a way by not telling fully communicating that I will still ctb whenever I feel the time is right or that I am sufficiently pressured. Though I will say that through further reflection, I do feel very shitty about ctb ing given that I was born into a pretty comfortable life, with pretty decent parents, with all things considered, and friends that care about me. I cannot shake away the desire to ctb, though.
As for insites on psh, I came to realize how truly important it is to be confident in your ability to overcome SI. Though the motivation and feelings might be enough to push you to ctb, you still need mental fortitude or pressure to fully ctb. This is especially the case with psh since you are generally in control of the situation the entire time you are conscious. That is unless, of course, you allow for the rope to become too tight around your neck. Other than tightening the rope enough so that you can line up the rope with whatever spot you chose to ctb with, you don't need to tighten the rope very much at all, since the knot will tighten itself as you fall into it.
I am sorry if this feels kind of unfocused, I kinda just felt that writing a post like this would be a good way to reflect on this series of events. Life after being caught trying to die is a bit strange since im not very fond of having so many people know this about me, especially my dentist, and im also not super happy with the mark that the rope has left on my throat. I hope someone can get something out of this mess
