Help Facing internment once again

[d3c96524be95]

I just had a session with my psychiatrist and she was very worried about me. In a sense, she's right. I've been more suicidal lately, even though I refuse to approach this topic with her. She was so bothered that she wanted me hospitalized ASAP. She didn't tell it in those terms, but I understood it'd either be """voluntary""" admission or yet another internment. So I went for the """voluntary""" option because it's a little less rude, but I'm so fed up with this. I know it won't help. I know they'll try to put me under heavy sedatives and random ineffective anti-depressants that'll make my life more miserable. I had enough fighting, I'm so fed up . At least I was able to convince her to let me go back home until a clinic would have a room for me.

If anything, this makes me even more prone to attempt CTB on a sudden impulse. How ridiculous. I definitely have concrete plans, but I am not ready just yet. I have things to prepare and experiment before taking that step. In the meantime, I don't want to live through another hospitalization. What's more, my hypersensitivity intensifies during highly depressive phases, and being in my own home allows me to control my environment by closing my shutters, wearing earplugs, and avoiding going out during the daytime. I'll have to interact with many therapists and patients in the hospital, which will only put me under more stress and drain what little energy I have left. As someone with ASD and social anxiety, this is incredibly overwhelming. Why do they have to treat me like that, as if my life was worth anything to them anyways?

 

[timf]

Most modern medical practice is mechanical. There are different reasons for this. From a legal perspective they wish to protect themselves. From a cost perspective, they don't want to spend too much money. By processing you like a side of beef, they can keep up the appearance of professionalism and hide the fact that they are limited in what they can do.

In dealing with the system (including the psychiatrist) you have to decide if what you get is worth the price you pay. If this event is not going to be of benefit to you, you might look at it as like going in the Army or to prison, just do the time and pick up your life again when you get out.

It might even be possible to find ways you can help or be an encouragement to others as you "do your time".