Venting Extremely isolated

[BlendedHeart]

This past february was my 36th birthday. It was the first time no one congratulated me, not even those Facebook greetings. I know I've been isolated for years, but that made me realize how extreme is that.

I know I'm weird and have nothing to talk to, sometimes. It was easier in school. I had some friends there, but those are hard to keep for someone like me. I go to the gym. I've went for the past year and a half, and have made zero connections there. Before that, I went to a hobby shop to play card games with others. Four years of nothingness. Just casual greetings and meaningless conversations. Not a single contact from there. I still have my mother, but we only talk a couple times a day, mostly greetings and such. I've tried to reach to former "friends", but I only find monosyllabic answers and short conversations.

I long for a partner, a girlfriend, a wife, but I know I have nothing to offer. They always say you have to love yourself to be loved by others, but I don't have that in me.

I wish I had the courage to end it all. I no longer want to feel anger and despair all the time. That's the only thing that stops me. That silly survival instinct we all have. That fear of failing.

 

[wagner2029]

welcome, The people who frequent the forum are very kind, at least here you will be able to pass the time.
This describes me and about 99% of those who frequent the forum.

 

[Erick]

This past february was my 36th birthday. It was the first time no one congratulated me, not even those Facebook greetings. I know I've been isolated for years, but that made me realize how extreme is that.

I know I'm weird and have nothing to talk to, sometimes. It was easier in school. I had some friends there, but those are hard to keep for someone like me. I go to the gym. I've went for the past year and a half, and have made zero connections there. Before that, I went to a hobby shop to play card games with others. Four years of nothingness. Just casual greetings and meaningless conversations. Not a single contact from there. I still have my mother, but we only talk a couple times a day, mostly greetings and such. I've tried to reach to former "friends", but I only find monosyllabic answers and short conversations.

I long for a partner, a girlfriend, a wife, but I know I have nothing to offer. They always say you have to love yourself to be loved by others, but I don't have that in me.

I wish I had the courage to end it all. I no longer want to feel anger and despair all the time. That's the only thing that stops me. That silly survival instinct we all have. That fear of failing.

I feel you, being alone is the worst thing a person can experience. I've been completely isolated for a year, and it will be like this forever because of my disease I can't have the same lifestyle I used to have with my friends. They keep going out every weekend without me, while I stay in my apartment crying everyday because I miss my life. I'm 34 and totally alone and hopeless.
I'm just trying to find courage to end it all in a hotel, but the possibility of being found too early scares the shit out of me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can relate to the OP's situation. I'm isolated and alone as well. I haven't even been out of my house for the past 8 or 9 days. The only time I do leave is to go to the grocery stores and I try and do that as little as possible. I used to have family, albeit a small one. Every one of them died over the past 5 years or so. My mother was the last to pass. I had friends in high school, too, but they were good time friends. I changed my lifestyle after high school and quit partying, so we all just drifted apart, plus in order to clean my act up and get away from that "lifestyle", I needed to separate myself from them. Never made any more friends at work, or even in college. I never married and never had any kids, so I really have no one. I'm older than the OP and getting nearer the age to when things usually start going wrong health-wise. I was there for my sister when she got sick and I helped her as much as I could. Same for my cousin, who was like my brother. And of course my mother. I won't have anyone to help me should the need arise, and it will eventually. I don't see any good scenarios coming about as I age alone. That's really the biggest reason I plan on CTB.

So, OP, I know how much it sucks to be alone. I'm sorry you're alone and isolated. And I commend you for even trying to make friends. I used to do that, too, but gave up when nothing ever came about from it. It's difficult to meet people when you're alone. I'm alone 24/7/365. The only conversation I have with other people is in the checkout lines at the stores. And, of course, I converse here on SS, but it's not the same as having real life contact with another human being. I have to do everything alone. I don't even know why I have a phone, since there's no one to call me, nor anyone for me to call. I have been putting things up on Craigslist, though, to try and get rid of some things before I CTB, just to reduce the amount of crap I have, so I guess I need the phone for that. I suppose I could try and join a gym, or some other group, but I'm at the point where I really don't even care anymore, and I certainly don't want to try anymore.

If you're close to your mom, cherish her while she's still here, or even while you're still here.