everything, everything about it. the uncertainty, the pains and loss. you love and lose and end up worse than when you started. i'm sure not one person hasn't had rough and terrible times, even the happiest of people.
do the bad times make up for the good? are we all in a dream inside of a delusion, addicted to living, whipping ourselves, grasping at straws and plugging the holes in this perpetually sinking ship, afraid of what we had forever before being given this material form?
the problem isn't just my suffering; i can recognize that i am built in this way that i can feel, and feel BAD, and i can look at other creatures and see they are built very similar to me and that THEY can feel bad. empathy, biology. nature is a torture machine.
perhaps i have always just had a bad relationship with existence. i have certainly had long stretches where i felt comfortable being alive. at net, however, it has been torture. and i have to imagine I'm not unique in this regard.
and, just as a final fuck you, the fact that this forum has to exist at all. for all the wonders we have built, the empire state, intercontinental railway, the internet, medicine, science, the space stations, we can't seem to figure out the most basic empathy of ensuring a peaceful exit.
Life is difficult, full of risks, and leads to death. Based on these objective facts, there is nothing irrational about opting out early. While most find their personal relationship with life desirable and worth holding on to, others find it toxic with the need to let go.
it is a constant uphill fight, fixing problems, reaching baseline and falling and reaching and falling, maintenance. if you aren't lucky enough to be born into a stable environment, you are at an immediate disadvantage as a human. if you don't establish skills, reputation, strong health, stability, when you are young, life will just get worse and worse. and if you slave away, pouring blood and sweat, there is no guarantee of contentedness, only a guarantee that you can keep living in relative stability for ever increasing amounts of time, clinging to the addiction.
many people may never see through the illusion of this brutal existence. they will spend 70 years following the track, happy sometimes and suffering other times. content or otherwise spending the day acquiring capital, then indulging the small distractions like a movie or a warm meal, then fall asleep and do it all again the next day.
i just need to go. who is heartless enough to tell me how i feel is wrong? that it will get better..? what exactly will get better? every millimetre of this planet is a graveyard of once sentient, conscious, feeling creatures. let me join them, my sisters and brothers, my ancestors; it will happen anyway. maybe i can spend my life to make sure that perhaps a few creatures won't be brought into this mess, doing vegan and antinatalist activism. this is the only worth a life has to me. however, as much as humanity's higher intelligence gives us a stronger capacity to reduce suffering, it also gives us a higher capacity to inflict suffering. all the pain i have caused, all the pain i have experienced....i feel so much, i think so much...
for me, this is hell. i just cannot do it. i simply refuse to see value in nature, where half of all humans that have ever died (50 billion) were under 5 years old. i am not suited for life. i cannot play these games. i am every night sickened by waking up the same person as yesterday, of always constructing a life-building, where the foundation is on sand and each layer of bricks i place are full of cracks, toxins and poisons. i am tired of being stuck in cycles of self destruction, of painful thoughts, of eating and shitting, inhaling and exhaling, drinking and pissing, feeling and being hurt. i don't want to do this anymore. i want to stop. i don't want to lose anything else. i don't want to build more scar tissue. i am tired of hurting others and being hurt. i am disgusted at the state of it all, disgusted that the ones who moulded me the most and who i love more than many are the ones who brought me here in the first place, disgusted how many people refuse to see, disgusted at my expectations, disgusted at the addiction.
may we find some scrap of peace in this hell. and may we find endless peace at the inevitable curtain call.
fuck.
do the bad times make up for the good? are we all in a dream inside of a delusion, addicted to living, whipping ourselves, grasping at straws and plugging the holes in this perpetually sinking ship, afraid of what we had forever before being given this material form?
the problem isn't just my suffering; i can recognize that i am built in this way that i can feel, and feel BAD, and i can look at other creatures and see they are built very similar to me and that THEY can feel bad. empathy, biology. nature is a torture machine.
perhaps i have always just had a bad relationship with existence. i have certainly had long stretches where i felt comfortable being alive. at net, however, it has been torture. and i have to imagine I'm not unique in this regard.
and, just as a final fuck you, the fact that this forum has to exist at all. for all the wonders we have built, the empire state, intercontinental railway, the internet, medicine, science, the space stations, we can't seem to figure out the most basic empathy of ensuring a peaceful exit.
Life is difficult, full of risks, and leads to death. Based on these objective facts, there is nothing irrational about opting out early. While most find their personal relationship with life desirable and worth holding on to, others find it toxic with the need to let go.
it is a constant uphill fight, fixing problems, reaching baseline and falling and reaching and falling, maintenance. if you aren't lucky enough to be born into a stable environment, you are at an immediate disadvantage as a human. if you don't establish skills, reputation, strong health, stability, when you are young, life will just get worse and worse. and if you slave away, pouring blood and sweat, there is no guarantee of contentedness, only a guarantee that you can keep living in relative stability for ever increasing amounts of time, clinging to the addiction.
many people may never see through the illusion of this brutal existence. they will spend 70 years following the track, happy sometimes and suffering other times. content or otherwise spending the day acquiring capital, then indulging the small distractions like a movie or a warm meal, then fall asleep and do it all again the next day.
i just need to go. who is heartless enough to tell me how i feel is wrong? that it will get better..? what exactly will get better? every millimetre of this planet is a graveyard of once sentient, conscious, feeling creatures. let me join them, my sisters and brothers, my ancestors; it will happen anyway. maybe i can spend my life to make sure that perhaps a few creatures won't be brought into this mess, doing vegan and antinatalist activism. this is the only worth a life has to me. however, as much as humanity's higher intelligence gives us a stronger capacity to reduce suffering, it also gives us a higher capacity to inflict suffering. all the pain i have caused, all the pain i have experienced....i feel so much, i think so much...
for me, this is hell. i just cannot do it. i simply refuse to see value in nature, where half of all humans that have ever died (50 billion) were under 5 years old. i am not suited for life. i cannot play these games. i am every night sickened by waking up the same person as yesterday, of always constructing a life-building, where the foundation is on sand and each layer of bricks i place are full of cracks, toxins and poisons. i am tired of being stuck in cycles of self destruction, of painful thoughts, of eating and shitting, inhaling and exhaling, drinking and pissing, feeling and being hurt. i don't want to do this anymore. i want to stop. i don't want to lose anything else. i don't want to build more scar tissue. i am tired of hurting others and being hurt. i am disgusted at the state of it all, disgusted that the ones who moulded me the most and who i love more than many are the ones who brought me here in the first place, disgusted how many people refuse to see, disgusted at my expectations, disgusted at the addiction.
may we find some scrap of peace in this hell. and may we find endless peace at the inevitable curtain call.
fuck.
