Exhausted

[brokensea]

I am so exhausted it hurts. A friend needed to stay over because they wanted to do something in another town closer to me than where they live. They came by late yesterday so that night was ok. They dropped me off in the morning in the town they were going to the next day and I saw a friend of mine until my other friend came back to pick me up later. It was about 2PM when we headed back to my house and I felt really tired. I never leave my house hardly anymore. Being out was extremely taxing. My friend wanted to hang out longer when they got back from dropping me off at home. I didn't want to be rude and tell them to leave. I tried watching a movie with them but I just wanted to lay down so bad on my usual spot on the couch and I couldn't with them there. My head just started zapping with painful electricity feelings as I sat there. I wanted them to leave so bad and felt like my head was screaming. I asked if they were staying over and they said they might stay over. I feel so exhausted I'm at the point I want to throw up. I told them I wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down in my room and they could watch movies if they wanted to. I don't even know if I slept or not or how long it has been since I went to lay down. I had to use the bathroom and as I passed them on the way they asked how I was feeling and even the short words felt like nails on a chalkboard in my brain. I am so so overstimulated. I feel insane that small social interaction is so hard for me now that I cannot even manage it at all. I have to pretend to be normal and not depressed around people. I mostly just am on the couch not doing much of anything for close to two years now except rare social outings and I'm so overwhelmed with being around people so much today and the activity I'm physically sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be mean and throw my friend out but I just want to be alone so much. I want it quiet. I don't want to act normal anymore. I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know what to do. I'm in so much pain all the energy I use up everyday is to just wake up and breathe and try to get through the day. I am like a car running on 10 percent gas for the day and I just drove 1000 miles is about how I feel. I don't want to be an asshole to my friend but I can't be around people very long anymore apparently. I feel worried about how seriously mental I am now I can't be around other people. Another thing to be scared about. How damaged I am now. What's wrong with my brain. I don't know if I'm rambling or this is too stupid of a thing to post about since I don't even feel all here right now. I feel so exhausted. I just feel awful. I even feel like my face is swollen and my voice is hoarse because I'm so tired but I can't really even sleep with them here watching movies I can hear in the other room. I can't be comfortable I just want to be alone.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I think a lot of us here feel very similar… Isolation feeds on itself…

 

[Sick of it all]

I spend all my days laying in bed, watching YouTube to pass the time. If I didn't have a job then I'd be here in my spot indefinitely.

 

[theboy]

i am sorry you are going through this situation. i hope you are feeling better.

 

[brokensea]

Thank you all. Ironically I can't now sleep. I'm in mental anguish. My mind is racing. I feel angry and aggressive. Idk how they say spending time with people helps with depression. Maybe not in the state I'm in this far. It's so exhausting talking. acting normal, the lights and sounds and activity. Not being able to lay down and rest. I feel like an axe is in the middle of my skull. I have such a bad headache it feels like my head is going to explode. There's no way back into any kind of normal life for me. I hope I can find the strength someday to overcome SI and not to be here anymore.

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

Thanks for writing this. Could have written the same thing myself but I thought I was being weird and crazy and tbh I just didn't know how to explain it. It's hauntingly comforting to hear the exact same from someone else.

I mean I feel sad that you feel this way too but you've made this suicider feel a bit less weird.

 

[Hollowillow]

I am so exhausted it hurts. A friend needed to stay over because they wanted to do something in another town closer to me than where they live. They came by late yesterday so that night was ok. They dropped me off in the morning in the town they were going to the next day and I saw a friend of mine until my other friend came back to pick me up later. It was about 2PM when we headed back to my house and I felt really tired. I never leave my house hardly anymore. Being out was extremely taxing. My friend wanted to hang out longer when they got back from dropping me off at home. I didn't want to be rude and tell them to leave. I tried watching a movie with them but I just wanted to lay down so bad on my usual spot on the couch and I couldn't with them there. My head just started zapping with painful electricity feelings as I sat there. I wanted them to leave so bad and felt like my head was screaming. I asked if they were staying over and they said they might stay over. I feel so exhausted I'm at the point I want to throw up. I told them I wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down in my room and they could watch movies if they wanted to. I don't even know if I slept or not or how long it has been since I went to lay down. I had to use the bathroom and as I passed them on the way they asked how I was feeling and even the short words felt like nails on a chalkboard in my brain. I am so so overstimulated. I feel insane that small social interaction is so hard for me now that I cannot even manage it at all. I have to pretend to be normal and not depressed around people. I mostly just am on the couch not doing much of anything for close to two years now except rare social outings and I'm so overwhelmed with being around people so much today and the activity I'm physically sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be mean and throw my friend out but I just want to be alone so much. I want it quiet. I don't want to act normal anymore. I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know what to do. I'm in so much pain all the energy I use up everyday is to just wake up and breathe and try to get through the day. I am like a car running on 10 percent gas for the day and I just drove 1000 miles is about how I feel. I don't want to be an asshole to my friend but I can't be around people very long anymore apparently. I feel worried about how seriously mental I am now I can't be around other people. Another thing to be scared about. How damaged I am now. What's wrong with my brain. I don't know if I'm rambling or this is too stupid of a thing to post about since I don't even feel all here right now. I feel so exhausted. I just feel awful. I even feel like my face is swollen and my voice is hoarse because I'm so tired but I can't really even sleep with them here watching movies I can hear in the other room. I can't be comfortable I just want to be alone.

You remind me of my car accident. It sounds even worse than adrenal fatigue, it sounds like brain damage.

Lack of b vitamins to renew nerves can cause brain damage... And can cure it. Well, imprive because my stutter restarted when pushed beyond my limit. After the accident I could only be awake 5h a day.

Swollen face & hoarse voice... I have that now! After cleaning wuth acid, and I can't remove it. It can be an allergy?

I take a lot of c, b, magnesium.

I thought magnesium was dangerous but I took 12 pills of 250mg after a massive emo trauma... 1 didn'y work. Not even 3. I was so depleeted I barely had diharea with 12! I usually do that only with vitamin c! I expected to relax my heart to death but the next day I felt actually happy. Weird. Didn't last long. But when we give healing materials instead of sugar & drugs to our body... It heals.

I got out at a restaurant with a friend today for the first time in months... I was so overwhelmed by everyone talking. I was in pain, trembling, and people smiled & hugged carefree... While I felt dying but no doctors can figure out the obvious, no one want to help detox my home... From the stupid home made acid mix I made... No one knows how...

I hope you'll heal. I can't even watch tv... Anymore

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely relate to you. I find it exhausting to be around people. I haven't seen anyone socially since covid began- not even my parents. Plus, I work from home- so, the only interaction I get with people is the odd delivery driver and zoom meeting, text and this forum. I dread to think what I'd be like around people now.

Once had a conversation with a lady I was lodging with years back and she summed up brilliantly what it was to be a sociable person and a non sociable person. One refills their batteries by being around people, the other does by being alone.

I wouldn't like to say it if it makes us 'weird'. I guess it does- because we're supposed to be social animals. I find it has its advantages sometimes- I probably get less lonely than a sociable person that finds themselves alone. Still, it creates massive anxiety for the 'normal' things in life. Plus, it's a sort of vicious circle really- I think being isolated doesn't really help depression but depression makes you want to isolate.

I know what you mean saying that you don't want to be mean to your friend. Sounds like you did your bit- even though it was difficult. I hope you now get a bit of time to yourself to recover. Know that you're not alone in feeling like this- although, ironically, we are alone.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable wanting to be alone when you are feeling like that. I would always rather be alone than be around people personally. People can be tiring. It's so awful how this life can torture people and I'm sorry that you suffer so intensely. I wish you relief.

 

[brokensea]

Thanks for writing this. Could have written the same thing myself but I thought I was being weird and crazy and tbh I just didn't know how to explain it. It's hauntingly comforting to hear the exact same from someone else.

I mean I feel sad that you feel this way too but you've made this suicider feel a bit less weird.

Thank you. That means a lot. I feel crazy like what is wrong with me I can't even just go out and talk to people or be social at all. Like it's crippling. I get physically sick. I just have the energy to lay on the couch. Watch TV or play a mindless easy game. Go microwave a meal or order food cause I have no energy to cook. That is my life now. Even when I take a shower I feel exhausted which I try to do once or twice a week so a whole day out it's like I feel like I cannot handle it at all. Like my brain had to run a marathon or like if you ran too much to the point you'd want to throw up and feel shaky and get a headache and feel like passing out. It's similar to how I feel. I'm glad I'm not the only person who feels like this cause it is like wow what the hell is wrong with me. I'm just such a nut and my brain is so defective. It's just not normal to feel that way I feel like. It's almost scary and disturbing. I told my friend I was sick and had to lay down and I was so exhausted I lost track of time and I can't even remember what happened or if I even slept or not or what time it even was. I still have a hellish headache that's not going away. Thanks for sharing how you feel as well. It makes me feel a bit less alone and crazy.

You remind me of my car accident. It sounds even worse than adrenal fatigue, it sounds like brain damage.

Lack of b vitamins to renew nerves can cause brain damage... And can cure it. Well, imprive because my stutter restarted when pushed beyond my limit. After the accident I could only be awake 5h a day.

Swollen face & hoarse voice... I have that now! After cleaning wuth acid, and I can't remove it. It can be an allergy?

I take a lot of c, b, magnesium.

I thought magnesium was dangerous but I took 12 pills of 250mg after a massive emo trauma... 1 didn'y work. Not even 3. I was so depleeted I barely had diharea with 12! I usually do that only with vitamin c! I expected to relax my heart to death but the next day I felt actually happy. Weird. Didn't last long. But when we give healing materials instead of sugar & drugs to our body... It heals.

I got out at a restaurant with a friend today for the first time in months... I was so overwhelmed by everyone talking. I was in pain, trembling, and people smiled & hugged carefree... While I felt dying but no doctors can figure out the obvious, no one want to help detox my home... From the stupid home made acid mix I made... No one knows how...

I hope you'll heal. I can't even watch tv... Anymore

That's interesting. I was rear ended in a car accident and had post concussion symptoms for over a year. Still not ok. Last time years ago when it was checked my iron and vitamin D were low. I obviously never get any sun. I have been taking some vitamins D3, Iron and Vitamin E as well as COQ10 but I'm so depressed or my stomach hurts from stress, I just don't take them half the time. I guess I didn't think about magnesium. I do take it for girl cramps but just when they're bad. I guess I could try to take some too. Brain is for sure not ok.

I completely relate to you. I find it exhausting to be around people. I haven't seen anyone socially since covid began- not even my parents. Plus, I work from home- so, the only interaction I get with people is the odd delivery driver and zoom meeting, text and this forum. I dread to think what I'd be like around people now.

Once had a conversation with a lady I was lodging with years back and she summed up brilliantly what it was to be a sociable person and a non sociable person. One refills their batteries by being around people, the other does by being alone.

I wouldn't like to say it if it makes us 'weird'. I guess it does- because we're supposed to be social animals. I find it has its advantages sometimes- I probably get less lonely than a sociable person that finds themselves alone. Still, it creates massive anxiety for the 'normal' things in life. Plus, it's a sort of vicious circle really- I think being isolated doesn't really help depression but depression makes you want to isolate.

I know what you mean saying that you don't want to be mean to your friend. Sounds like you did your bit- even though it was difficult. I hope you now get a bit of time to yourself to recover. Know that you're not alone in feeling like this- although, ironically, we are alone.

Thank you for sharing. My friend is still here sleeping in the other room and I'm really hoping they leave soon when they get up. They're not doing anything wrong and I don't want to take it out on them even though internally I want to scream at them to get out lol. Give me my couch back so I can lay down lol. My mattress is a piece of crap now from laying on it so long and not getting up much in two years I've had to switch to the couch now. To sleep and spend my life on.

If he wants to go to breakfast or do something when he gets up I might just curl in a ball and cry or jump off a bridge at this point. But I'll do my best to encourage him nicely to go.

It's understandable wanting to be alone when you are feeling like that. I would always rather be alone than be around people personally. People can be tiring. It's so awful how this life can torture people and I'm sorry that you suffer so intensely. I wish you relief.

Thank you. <3