Venting Exhausted with the ups and downs

[deletedaccount30982]

After a shit week this weekend was looking up. I've just been waiting for the shoe to drop. I can't trust myself. I don't even fully enjoy the up moments because I know the crash is coming. I know it's a self fulfilling prophecy, but I can't break the cycle. I'm too tired to keep fighting it. I've accepted my fate. I'm supposed to have therapy soon. I don't know yet if I'll be brutally honest and see what happens, risking getting thrown back into the ward like a fucking prisoner even though there is nothing else they can do for me. Or if I'll fall back into the old habit of masking. Masking is so fucking exhausting. Yet the consequences of honesty are so great. Down, down, down the spiral I go. I can't wait for the day I'm free from my head.

 

[Ferreter]

I'm sorry you feel this way and it sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, I am too. In very different ways. I wish we had different approaches to helping people who are struggling, trying to actually understand them instead of just doing what is legally incumbent upon us to do. I wanted to say, thank you for the resources you post here, I've seen other people post on this forum from an outside perspective. And I do understand that it looks grim, a bunch of people talking about how best to end their lives, to a lot it looks barbaric and insane. But your resource is important, it lets people know of how not to cause themselves any further suffering than what they're already in, and that's important. There's a similiar idea for people who are addicted to drugs where they'll call a hotline right before they're about to use, and they'll stay on the phone with someone so that they're not alone and so that they can feel safe while using and potentially OD'ing. Weird concept right, but it helps, it really does. Anyways sorry I'm rambiling at this point, I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. Thank you for your effort on this site, in helping others navigate what is a very taboo and difficult aspect for them. I think that makes you pretty special.

 

[CravingPeace]

This is exactly how I feel. I grew up in an abusive household, with a cycle of abuse and love bombing. Any time things were going good I could expect the next shoe to drop, and it always did. Now that I'm out of there, and there's a good run of things going good, now I'M the one that tends to create chaos, because the chaos is comfortable. It sucks.

I hope you can find a way out of this horrible cycle my friend.