Excuses not to CTB?

[tidal1]

Does anyone find themselves making excuses to stick around instead of ctbing? I know in the long run that ctb would make most sense, but I find reasons to somehow keep postponing it. Maybe, deep down I'm scared, maybe deep down, I have this bit of hope that things will get better. What makes living a little easier to deal with is knowing I've obtained the materials to ctb, so it's in the back of my pocket so to speak if I need it. Idk if it's just me, but there's a lot of power in knowing there's a way out that gives me the strength to suffer through this shit.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It's not that I make excuses per se. It's more so that suicide is hard to do as SI is strong but also thinking about the consequences of a failed suicide attempt prevents me from wanting to kill myself via a painful method. The whole point of me being suicidal in the first place is so that I don't suffer and a failed CTB could cause me more suffering overall

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes. At the moment they feel valid though. I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I think my suicide would devastate him. Beyond that though, I feel certain that fear will hold me back. Fear of pain, fear of failure and the consequences. Some fear regarding a potential afterlife- although I lean more towards atheism now. I hope I can overcome them though. I think life will very possibly have enough things in it to scare me more when the time comes. I'm hoping that will give me the push I need.

 

[tidal1]

Yes. At the moment they feel valid though. I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I think my suicide would devastate him. Beyond that though, I feel certain that fear will hold me back. Fear of pain, fear of failure and the consequences. Some fear regarding a potential afterlife- although I lean more towards atheism now. I hope I can overcome them though. I think life will very possibly have enough things in it to scare me more when the time comes. I'm hoping that will give me the push I need.

This really resonates with me. I think my suicide would also devastate my family, and that would break my heart. I think I just stick around in part for them. As for the push, I feel that too. I've been in a situation recently where I thought that it would push me over the edge but yet I'm still around. It begs the question of how bad do things need to get before I give up. I don't know what the limit is

It's not that I make excuses per se. It's more so that suicide is hard to do as SI is strong but also thinking about the consequences of a failed suicide attempt prevents me from wanting to kill myself via a painful method. The whole point of me being suicidal in the first place is so that I don't suffer and a failed CTB could cause me more suffering overall

Yeah, I understand all of that. If it's going to be done, it needs to be executed well. It's the last decision you'll make after all.

There's a part of me that thinks though I will probably attempt in the heat of the moment like it won't be something I've set a date on but it's not exactly brash either because it's been on my mind for sometime.

 

[user56765567]

I feel like for me its my mind making up these excuses and I know that they don't hold any weight when I challenge them daily and I know that my inner self knows that too. So I think for me it's just fear/SI and nothing rational as far as what I have figured out in my own experiences when dealing with myself.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Does anyone find themselves making excuses to stick around instead of ctbing? I know in the long run that ctb would make most sense, but I find reasons to somehow keep postponing it. Maybe, deep down I'm scared, maybe deep down, I have this bit of hope that things will get better. What makes living a little easier to deal with is knowing I've obtained the materials to ctb, so it's in the back of my pocket so to speak if I need it. Idk if it's just me, but there's a lot of power in knowing there's a way out that gives me the strength to suffer through this shit.

The issue with mental illness is you can't trust your own mind. I 'know' there's no getting better, but so far that hasn't been true. I've been trying several things and things have improved. I'm getting there, and it's difficult. It felt too stupid to me to CTB without making sure. The measure for me is what's the base mnimum value of someone in the US ($25k) and have I spent that much on getting better?

 

[FrostedHoax]

Yep but I feel like the excuses are starting to become less and less effective at making me not want to CTB and that my death is just around the corner.