itsbigbraintime
SN Wizard
- Feb 14, 2020
- 78
This may come across weird, but does anyone else have a relatively decent life, and still not want to be alive? I have changed career paths and I generally like what I do, I'm not in a bad place financially, and while I don't really have a lot of friends, I can't exactly say people dislike me either, it's like having a lot of acquaintances. Despite all of this, I don't want to do this. I'm not interested in participating in what society or this life has to offer. Maybe that makes me 'sick'. But it makes me feel like an impostor of sorts too, like there's tons of people who definitely have it worse than I do, and have real, legitimate reasons for feeling the way they do, and then there's me. I don't really want to recover at this point. It seems too much like a compromise. I'm not in this life for a middle ground, give me happiness and purpose, or let me die. Even still, part of me thinks that no matter what I do, I'll always feel the same, in the back of my mind.
I've already determined that no matter what, I will die by suicide. That's even including the very very distinct possibility that I recover and live a full life. I've seen what being older and in poor health has to offer, and I'm not about it. So if it gets to the point, that I'm older and declining in my health, I will see myself out, as it were. But knowing this, it makes me wonder why I'm waiting. I'm not enjoying this. I attempted a few years back to the point of landing myself in the ICU, and there are many days where I'm mad at myself for not succeeding. Because I remember the feeling that I experienced after following through. Yes, it was initially fear and anxiety, but then....a massive sense of relief. I no longer needed to care about anything, anyone. Any of my problems, the world's problems even. It wasn't my issue anymore. But here I am. Four years later. Am I any better? Maybe to an outside perspective, but I know the truth about what I feel inside.
Following up, I read something a few days back about it being perfectly possible to accept that life can be good, or that good things can happen to you, but still not want to be a part of it. And that's resonated with me, because it's the truth. Life is not all bad. It can even be good, has great moments, right? But at the end of the day, maybe some of us are not compatible. I'm truly wondering, when I will just....die. What will it take? To push me to the edge, and get it over with? I don't want to live in limbo anymore.
I've already determined that no matter what, I will die by suicide. That's even including the very very distinct possibility that I recover and live a full life. I've seen what being older and in poor health has to offer, and I'm not about it. So if it gets to the point, that I'm older and declining in my health, I will see myself out, as it were. But knowing this, it makes me wonder why I'm waiting. I'm not enjoying this. I attempted a few years back to the point of landing myself in the ICU, and there are many days where I'm mad at myself for not succeeding. Because I remember the feeling that I experienced after following through. Yes, it was initially fear and anxiety, but then....a massive sense of relief. I no longer needed to care about anything, anyone. Any of my problems, the world's problems even. It wasn't my issue anymore. But here I am. Four years later. Am I any better? Maybe to an outside perspective, but I know the truth about what I feel inside.
Following up, I read something a few days back about it being perfectly possible to accept that life can be good, or that good things can happen to you, but still not want to be a part of it. And that's resonated with me, because it's the truth. Life is not all bad. It can even be good, has great moments, right? But at the end of the day, maybe some of us are not compatible. I'm truly wondering, when I will just....die. What will it take? To push me to the edge, and get it over with? I don't want to live in limbo anymore.
