Everything's going so well.. and I still want to die

[raikko]

I'm in a position I couldn't even dream about last year. I'm a Japanese Government/UN youth delegate studying in my dream university with a scholarship even better than the one I was originally aiming for, and I'm going to Tokyo in two weeks in a hotel paid for by the Japanese Government on a Shinkansen trip paid for again by the Japanese Government, and yet, despite everything, I still feel worthless. Despite everything, I still feel so bad about myself. Despite everything, I still long to die in my sleep, or jump in front of a train, or hang myself in my closet.

Despite having everything I could ever dream of, I still want to die.

I was originally going to make a longer rant for my first post on this site, but I just secured my tickets and had money sent to me, and I'm supposed to feel excited but I just feel so empty and depressed. I apologise.

I just want to die.

 

[tonicer]

It's my life's dream to visit Japan. I hope you have fun there and the suicidal thoughts calm down a bit.

 

[Einarfjzx]

hope u'll be alright, i have nothing and theres part of me still fighting the urges

 

[raikko]

It's my life's dream to visit Japan. I hope you have fun there and the suicidal thoughts calm down a bit.

Thank you so much, I hope you get to come here soon!

 

[fedup1982]

I think you have imposter syndrome. You are where you are because you've demonstrated competence

 

[tonicer]

Thank you so much, I hope you get to come here soon!

If i could get a job i can save up money for a visit but as of right now it's impossible to get one.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I could say the same: everything is fine. In fact, it really is. My problem is that I can't go back after seeing everything that exists as mere chance. I think about this universe that is billions of years old; I think about Homo sapiens, which emerged only 200,000 years ago; I think about my life, which is nothing more than a cog in an indifferent mechanism that repeats the same programming with various other species. I feel like an idiot for still being here, waiting to see what this mechanism will do to me. I know an elderly couple (90 and 79 years old), and every time I observe them, I see another reason to end it all. It's grotesque what life does. It's as if they were different people. Once with functional minds, now they are just shadows of what they were. Once physically capable, now they need extreme care. And that's because, in fact, they are in a good situation. They are incapable of discernment, logical reasoning, nothing. Their minds work, but only for the basics. Soon, they will be dead. And I keep imagining that I could reach that age and, of course, perhaps I would arrive in terrible physical condition. For what? Of course, none of this makes sense. I'm 60 years old and I no longer have the mental capacity to cope with this reality.