Everything's going so well.. and I still want to die

[raikko]

I'm in a position I couldn't even dream about last year. I'm a Japanese Government/UN youth delegate studying in my dream university with a scholarship even better than the one I was originally aiming for, and I'm going to Tokyo in two weeks in a hotel paid for by the Japanese Government on a Shinkansen trip paid for again by the Japanese Government, and yet, despite everything, I still feel worthless. Despite everything, I still feel so bad about myself. Despite everything, I still long to die in my sleep, or jump in front of a train, or hang myself in my closet.

Despite having everything I could ever dream of, I still want to die.

I was originally going to make a longer rant for my first post on this site, but I just secured my tickets and had money sent to me, and I'm supposed to feel excited but I just feel so empty and depressed. I apologise.

I just want to die.

 

[tonicer]

It's my life's dream to visit Japan. I hope you have fun there and the suicidal thoughts calm down a bit.

 

[Einarfjzx]

hope u'll be alright, i have nothing and theres part of me still fighting the urges

 

[raikko]

It's my life's dream to visit Japan. I hope you have fun there and the suicidal thoughts calm down a bit.

Thank you so much, I hope you get to come here soon!

 

[fedup1982]

I think you have imposter syndrome. You are where you are because you've demonstrated competence

 

[tonicer]

Thank you so much, I hope you get to come here soon!

If i could get a job i can save up money for a visit but as of right now it's impossible to get one.