Everything is relative and can be questioned except pain...

[noname223]

Yesterday I was pretty paranoid. The post of yesterday was probably psychotic. I worked way too hard yesterday. Today I tried to keep the pace low. And took a benzo. I feel pretty relaxed at least for the moment I hope I can sleep well.

I think in a very pathological way about a woman in college. I analyzed ths situation in ten million perspectives etc. It is pretty likely she forgot me and barely remembers anything. The whole incident was pretty unnecessary I think. I could add some remarks but I don't want to ruminate about this even more.

While I was anaylzing the incidents from so many different angles I was overthinking the thing way too much. I sometimes have psychotic symptoms. Some topics trigger me very much. And I was so obsessed by some thoughts. That is pretty pathological medication and feedback from friends help the most.

Sometimes it is hard for me to keep my mind in order. My thoughts often race through my brain in an insane speed and I struggle to give me a break.

I had the thought for this thread because I watched a certain lecturer for some time. I hate him now he became pretty much of a jerk. And he does not even have in-depth knowledge on philosophy. But his talk helped me when I was younger.

It is an argument against nihilism and existentialism. Also against postmodernism. He says believing in nothing (nihilism) will end in pain. Well you can question everything. The truth, reality, values etc. but in the end there will remain pain. Because pain does not vanish if one doubts their existence. So it is a talk in favor of a value system. Personally I have a value system and in some form it helps me a lot. But also others have motivated to live according to principles and values.

Postmodernism questions whether truth exists. All political hacks call each other fake news spreader. If one says well there is no truth this results that one neglects nuances (false balance). The whole thing has to do with the two party system which screws the country but similar problems happen in other countries too.

Here is a point to my personal story. I often have to question my mind. Which thoughts might be manic or psychotic. How could my mind deceive me? Even depression can do that. When I feel pretty unstable as in the last weeks I get pretty scared. Some weeks ago I was extremely paranoid and I was pretty scared that I might relapse with another psychosis.

There are warning signs when I leave the sane part of myself. I lose the interest to eat, I am obsessed by thoughts for myriads of hours and cannot let them go, inner heat, the need to talk about it often in very high pace, new theories how some interaction might could be interpreted (this is clearly psychotic) Moreover it is psychotic the thought one would have found the truth of a past social interaction. As if one found the deeper meaning to something. People with psychosis struggle a lot with that. I lack sleep. I perceive my enviornment as very offensive, people might bully me, hate me, secretly talk about me, people would think about me -> this one is extremely hard to control. This happens way too often. I think the human brain tends to overestimate the importance of oneself compared to others. For example do something embarrassing in a bus. I still can remember some incidents which were even years ago. Most people who were present probably have forgotten about it after 30 minutes or shit. This is why my obsession what others think of me is so fucking unnecssary. I might stop here this lecture about psychotic thinking.

I have some theories in my head, About my brain, past incidents/ social interactions, my psychological development etc. And I am pretty curious what really would be the objective truth. I have some pretty close friends who I completely trust. And often times I was pretty wrong with ccertain assumptions. It is good to get feedback in order to be less convinced of some truths. There should remain an uncertainty not only as a persom with mental illness. There are many human biases which are pretty tricky traps. I have the tendency of wanting to predict the future. Though I also use this as an instrument in order to remain sceptical. I am often pretty pessimistic though also due to the fact that mania deceived me in the opposite direction many times. I rather overestimate my pathologies and I had success with that. Many therapists called me very self aware which I am proud of. Though there are some topics for example women were I am just a complete mess.

I soon have exams. It is pretty important to remain stable. In case it gets dangerous I will take a lot of addictive medication. Addiction is by far less dangerous than a relapse. My brain is full of racing thoughts. Sometimes I question my sanity even too much. I am so sceptical that I question almost everything. Though there are some hints to escape the labyrinth of delusional thinking. In general my manic, depressive and psychotic symptoms are way less extreme than in the past. The lack of the pain those induced cannot be questioned. The life quality that I regained after major depressive episodes is not relative or up to interpretation. The fact that my last full psychotic episode happened 5 years ago is just a fact. Moreover it is a fact that my brain became more clearer after I started to take the antipsychotic medication. I am often searching for a true answer. What does this or that person think of me? But often that is pretty unnecessary most people don't care about me. And I can ask the people who care for me. Wanting to know the real answer for psychotic question is often disappointing. Because my brain thinks of itself as centre of the universe. Most people have forgotten incidents which let me almost commit suicide because of the extreme pathological shame after a breakdown.

So for me the lesson is: in many cases it is not really that important to find the truth. One cannot force people to open up their thoughts about me. It should not matter too much. It is important that I remain somewhat stable and that I can prevent a relapse. The extreme pain after a breakdown will not vanish when I doubt its existence. But I can try to let go of questions which disturb my sleep or well-being.

 

[Ultracheese]

You bring up a lot of interesting points about the ideas of subjectivism and objectivism. Personally, at least when it comes to moral ideologies and personal feelings, I don't believe there are any truly objective answers or correct ways of being or feeling. I say this because any sort of belief system can be hard to implement straight across the board. There are so many what-if scenarios and loopholes that one can find. You mention how this lecturer believes that pain does not vanish if one doubts their existence. I'm not sure if I entirely agree. It seems like many who are able to suppress their pain and not deal with existential concerns about their existence seem to be doing quite well. One of the interesting points people bring up on this forum often is that so many people have gone through "worse" (whatever that means) experiences than us, yet they have never seriously considered or attempted suicide. Many who have attempted have now become fervent pro-life advocates who (at least claim) to no longer feel the pain they used to. Not all methods of recovery work for people. Many folks here have found therapy very ineffective. Why does the pain of others stick around, while seemingly disappear for others? This may be an entirely separate point from what you were saying though.

I struggle with psychosis as well. It's a horrible condition to be coupled with a mind whose thoughts are constantly racing. I struggle a lot with delusions, like thinking people are following me or can listen to my thoughts. My mind ramps up various aspects of these delusions as much as it can until my mind collapses and I have a mental breakdown. A lot of the symptoms you experience, such as lack of appetite and feeling warmer, are things I deal with too. I am struggling with one right now and it's incredibly painful for me.

What you're experiencing in terms of feeling embarrassed about things that happened years ago is a common experience that many people, even those with little to no mental health problems, experience. I hope the medication works and that you're able to do well on your exams.

 

[noname223]

You bring up a lot of interesting points about the ideas of subjectivism and objectivism. Personally, at least when it comes to moral ideologies and personal feelings, I don't believe there are any truly objective answers or correct ways of being or feeling. I say this because any sort of belief system can be hard to implement straight across the board. There are so many what-if scenarios and loopholes that one can find. You mention how this lecturer believes that pain does not vanish if one doubts their existence. I'm not sure if I entirely agree. It seems like many who are able to suppress their pain and not deal with existential concerns about their existence seem to be doing quite well. One of the interesting points people bring up on this forum often is that so many people have gone through "worse" (whatever that means) experiences than us, yet they have never seriously considered or attempted suicide. Many who have attempted have now become fervent pro-life advocates who (at least claim) to no longer feel the pain they used to. Not all methods of recovery work for people. Many folks here have found therapy very ineffective. Why does the pain of others stick around, while seemingly disappear for others? This may be an entirely separate point from what you were saying though.

I struggle with psychosis as well. It's a horrible condition to be coupled with a mind whose thoughts are constantly racing. I struggle a lot with delusions, like thinking people are following me or can listen to my thoughts. My mind ramps up various aspects of these delusions as much as it can until my mind collapses and I have a mental breakdown. A lot of the symptoms you experience, such as lack of appetite and feeling warmer, are things I deal with too. I am struggling with one right now and it's incredibly painful for me.

What you're experiencing in terms of feeling embarrassed about things that happened years ago is a common experience that many people, even those with little to no mental health problems, experience. I hope the medication works and that you're able to do well on your exams.

Thank you for your sharp analysis. You bring a lot of insightful arguments into the discussion.
Concerning your psychosis have you ever had an officilal diagnosis? It is pretty difficult to evaluate one's own psychosis because the cognitive process is usually distorted. For me the antipsychotic medication helped a lot to see things without the constant paranoia. Especially if one barely has past experiences with psychosis it is even more difficult to deal with.

 

[Ultracheese]

Thank you for your sharp analysis. You bring a lot of insightful arguments into the discussion.
Concerning your psychosis have you ever had an officilal diagnosis? It is pretty difficult to evaluate one's own psychosis because the cognitive process is usually distorted. For me the antipsychotic medication helped a lot to see things without the constant paranoia. Especially if one barely has past experiences with psychosis it is even more difficult to deal with.

My official diagnosis is "severe major depression with psychotic features." I lie a lot about the extent of my psychosis to mental health professionals, and I think if I were completely honest, I would probably get a schizophrenia diagnosis. I'm prescribed antipsychotics for my OCD, which helps me be able to function without people catching on to how deep my psychosis is. I have not been taking them for the past few days though because I've been feeling awful and can't seem/don't want to make myself feel better.