Everything I experienced here was based on lies and fake promises of maybe life hasn't to be bad. I was fooled for 16 years trying to have hope, pretending and even believing I liked things, faking I have a reason for rise early every morning.
2 years ago, I noticed everything. All the unreachable goals which were imposed to me... They forced me to having dreams and I was so naive that I did it. I saw how everything really is and that hypocrites destroyed all them in front of my face.
Since I can remember life never was something worthy. By itself, good things don't compensate the bad things. Now add something to this: I was hyperactive and my parents extremely easy to unnerve. I was rebel and when I suffered when obligations I tried hardly to improve them in a way or other. They disliked it, so they hit me every day, the whole day suffering physical aggresions. Like all the fucking parents in the world, that persons create us, forsake us in this hellhole and submit us in every way possible until we are finally broken of hope and accept life is objectively a shit.
Now, what if you just refuse it? More physical and emotional aggresions. That was my whole childhood and my early teen years.
But I still pretended to whip me with the scourge of hope thinking thus good things will only avaiable once before I will die.
Never again. This can't be compensated with anything. And anyway, I never truly enjoyed doing things. I faked it as everything.
Music sounds like noise.
Books are just a clutter of words.
Games are just pointless.
Sport feels like pure torture.
Movies are tutorials of how to fall asleep. And relationships...
Oh god
Relationships are probably the worst mistake I never did. Not only everybody I know is the typical person all we hate deeply, but the only worthy persons were never by my side. I never had a link with another persons simply because me abd how I am are completely incompatible with relationships. I just can't offer anything to others, every relationship I had with others failed and they will ever fail. I finally accepted this and stopped to pretend we will have some benefit staying together.
So basically, all my life has been a lie. I pretended to believe I like people for not being alone, pretending to fake I was interested in my future, pretending I like myself, but I couldn't, I decayed and hopefully I will never rise.
I don't want even feeling better. No matter of how you see it: the answer is death. And saying others to wait for killing themselves is not only wrong: it's miserable. Since I had 12 years old I was truly suicidal and I endured uselessly believing fighting was the cure, but really it's the poison.
I have 18 years and I won't fight never again. Only because I'm young it doesn't mean things would get better, and even if they get better it won't make them automatically worthy unlike you think. If you don't like to see a teenager killing himself the problem is yours and only yours. And if you pretend to keep going with your life the problem is yours again.
The anxiety and depression are problems, the young people is despiced by everyone. But nothing has matter.
Accept that there are no wrong reasons to die but to live.
Everybody at any age suffer, why to force somebody to continue with his misery?
But, if you still believe in life consider than life is a right, not an OBLIGATION.
I don't know what path will you choose, but I know my way quite good: I will stop faking. I chose my path 2 years ago, and it's the best choice I never did. If I could finally reach my death, all the endeavors I suffered will be definitely worthy.
I didn't choose to live but I can decide when I will die.
That's everything. Thank you for letting me vent.
2 years ago, I noticed everything. All the unreachable goals which were imposed to me... They forced me to having dreams and I was so naive that I did it. I saw how everything really is and that hypocrites destroyed all them in front of my face.
Since I can remember life never was something worthy. By itself, good things don't compensate the bad things. Now add something to this: I was hyperactive and my parents extremely easy to unnerve. I was rebel and when I suffered when obligations I tried hardly to improve them in a way or other. They disliked it, so they hit me every day, the whole day suffering physical aggresions. Like all the fucking parents in the world, that persons create us, forsake us in this hellhole and submit us in every way possible until we are finally broken of hope and accept life is objectively a shit.
Now, what if you just refuse it? More physical and emotional aggresions. That was my whole childhood and my early teen years.
But I still pretended to whip me with the scourge of hope thinking thus good things will only avaiable once before I will die.
Never again. This can't be compensated with anything. And anyway, I never truly enjoyed doing things. I faked it as everything.
Music sounds like noise.
Books are just a clutter of words.
Games are just pointless.
Sport feels like pure torture.
Movies are tutorials of how to fall asleep. And relationships...
Oh god
Relationships are probably the worst mistake I never did. Not only everybody I know is the typical person all we hate deeply, but the only worthy persons were never by my side. I never had a link with another persons simply because me abd how I am are completely incompatible with relationships. I just can't offer anything to others, every relationship I had with others failed and they will ever fail. I finally accepted this and stopped to pretend we will have some benefit staying together.
So basically, all my life has been a lie. I pretended to believe I like people for not being alone, pretending to fake I was interested in my future, pretending I like myself, but I couldn't, I decayed and hopefully I will never rise.
I don't want even feeling better. No matter of how you see it: the answer is death. And saying others to wait for killing themselves is not only wrong: it's miserable. Since I had 12 years old I was truly suicidal and I endured uselessly believing fighting was the cure, but really it's the poison.
I have 18 years and I won't fight never again. Only because I'm young it doesn't mean things would get better, and even if they get better it won't make them automatically worthy unlike you think. If you don't like to see a teenager killing himself the problem is yours and only yours. And if you pretend to keep going with your life the problem is yours again.
The anxiety and depression are problems, the young people is despiced by everyone. But nothing has matter.
Accept that there are no wrong reasons to die but to live.
Everybody at any age suffer, why to force somebody to continue with his misery?
But, if you still believe in life consider than life is a right, not an OBLIGATION.
I don't know what path will you choose, but I know my way quite good: I will stop faking. I chose my path 2 years ago, and it's the best choice I never did. If I could finally reach my death, all the endeavors I suffered will be definitely worthy.
I didn't choose to live but I can decide when I will die.
That's everything. Thank you for letting me vent.
