Venting everything hurts.selfish rambling

[fleshgarden]

everything is fucking painful. I hate that I;m subjected to living .. I feel constant dread, I'm constantly sick and have a headache. everything stresses me out so deeply .. I have nothing to fulfill so I can't do anything that once brought me temporary relief. I'm so uncomfortable and fatigued all the time. this fucking sucks. I wish I could just die. I wish dying didn't have to be so serious. I would drown myself in a heartbeat if I didn't know I'd subject whoever found me to pain. I'm pushing away everyone I know .. it's just what I do, it's like my coping mechanism for when I feel like I'm the worst person to stand on earth.. it's so disappointing how easy it is for people to forget about me. I wonder how long I could last like this.. I guess it beats having a breakdown all day everyday because I'm trying to connect with people and I hate every stupid disgusting word that comes out of my mouth... everyone sees me as weak instead of understanding that life ALL DAY every single second is an effort that drains me so deeply .. I want to be rid of this life instantly. I used to have something holding me back but now I Donn't, besides people finding me and hurting people I love.. I know that pain isn't Real, because if it was they would have spent life With me.. but I know it'll still be there and that sucks to think about. I just wish I could die in my sleep ..

 

[Changedmymind]

A friend of mine died (from a disease) in his sleep some months ago and I felt so jealous. After that I felt that I have two routes in life: go to school/get a job or CTB. A week of conpemplating both I realized I haven't got courage for either. Then I just... existed. I don't know if its a real cite from dostojevski, ( never read anything from him) but I came across this: "I gave up caring about anything and all the problems dissapeared." I think it was real easy with SSRI

 

[theboy]

Align your thoughts and emotions