everyone keeps leaving

[iwannaendmylife]

Everything good that happens in m life always dissappers
Every friend i make and i get close to and i dare to call them my best friend always leaves at the span of less than a year
how many people must leave till i see that im the problem
how much is too much
and im just so fucking lonely
i just want them t stay with me
and im so scared for the person i have now
she's just this amazing human being and im just this
eventually she'll see the truth
and eventually she'll leave
and maybe that will be the last straw

 

[phoebusapollo]

I don't know what to say.
Some of us are destined to be alone.
It may not be your fault. Life may have made you this way. Destiny is cruel and life is unfair.
I always say to myself: keep fighting maybe there will be happiness. And if there is not and you really can't fight anymore you can go. I can't tell you what amount of shit is too much. I don't know either. I just know that if that day comes I will probably feel it and off myself for good. Until then I pray for you all.

 

[iwannaendmylife]

I don't know what to say.
Some of us are destined to be alone.
It may not be your fault. Life may have made you this way. Destiny is cruel and life is unfair.
I always say to myself: keep fighting maybe there will be happiness. And if there is not and you really can't fight anymore you can go. I can't tell you what amount of shit is too much. I don't know either. I just know that if that day comes I will probably feel it and off myself for good. Until then I pray for you all.

why did it have to be that why tho
why is it that im never fucking enough for anyone
first im too clingy, then im too weird, then i have too much mental issues or i have no "energy" to put in the friendship
there is no motivation to fight anymore
i'll just let it pass
but i know it won't
so everything will be better if i just die
just like ive been praying for since i was 8

 

[Helio_Helio]

If it may help, would you like to share a general idea of what happened when those relationships ended?

I apologise if I sound rude or weird.

 

[phoebusapollo]

Who is telling you that it is not enough.

I can tell you one thing from experience.
A lot of people may not understand. But sometimes there are ones who do. I am not perfect myself. Who is? I never met a socially perfect person. I met a lot of people with problems. And it shows. But these ones seldomly are bad people. Some are. But the majority are not.

I think one can read general anxiety in your post. Did you tell your human about your fear? I don't know how your relationship works and on what grounds your fears may or may not be based on. Sometimes being open about your fears may help your relationships.

Best of luck human.

 

[iwannaendmylife]

If it may help, would you like to share a general idea of what happened when those relationships ended?

I apologise if I sound rude or weird.

No its fine don't worry
It usually just starts with distancing from their part and then it gets to excuses like:

you never talk about your problems
you're toxic
you're clingy
is it that hard to find energy to put in this
some people are just destined to not be with each other
i never did anything wrong/ts your fault

i would show the chats but english's not my native language
you can ask anything tho

 

[Helio_Helio]

No its fine don't worry
It usually just starts with distancing from their part and then it gets to excuses like:

you never talk about your problems
you're toxic
you're clingy
is it that hard to find energy to put in this
some people are just destined to not be with each other
i never did anything wrong/ts your fault

i would show the chats but english's not my native language
you can ask anything tho

Oh... They don't make sense, that's contradictive.

I don't know you well enough personally, but going off from that they might just be bad people.

I'm autistic and I grew up alone by choice because of how nonsensical people are with their demands. At some point from middle school I decided that I should pave my way for my future so I started socialising... I put up a front, it was a job, but I had surface levelled friendship with a lot of people...Either way, I never felt connected with a single person, ever, at least not until university. It wasn't that I didn't try to get to know them, but rather no matter how much or little effort I put, they were never the right people.

I met one of the only people I'd truly call my friend in university, and he was the one who reached out to me as much as I reached out to him, I didn't need to work for it to happen, and we've been friends for over 3 years now. I only have two people I'd actually call a friend... Though of course, a lot of acquaintances.

For me... I personally went online to talk to strangers and kept switching between them because most people are a waste of time otherwise.

I'm not very good at comforting. But what I've learnt myself, is that, 90% of the time, people tend to have malevolent motives, and 99.9% of the time, people will not be able to truly connect with you. I don't know how old you are... and I'm not very old myself, but I've invested myself deeply in a lot of people already so I've grown tired of relationships either way, haha, not the best solution but it's my experience.

 

[nails]

same here, everyone just leaves and nothing positive ever remains. it all ends the same, no matter how hard i try. it's just so hopeless, there's no point.
i'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Helio_Helio]

same here, everyone just leaves and nothing positive ever remains. it all ends the same, no matter how hard i try. it's just so hopeless, there's no point.
i'm sorry you have to go through this.

I think it's propaganda that it's "normal" to have more than 1 real friend. Even with people who are "popular" or "normal", their friendships are pretty much all so flakey.....

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I understand how you feel. It's so difficult for me to maintain a friendship. Any friendship I ever get lucky enough to have always ends up being very short lasted and heavily lacks the depth an actual emotional connection should have. My heart feels so burdened by loneliness because of this. I really hope you are able to find good people that enjoy your company and truly care about you. Because they may be incredibly rare but they certainly do exist.

 

[phoebusapollo]

I think it's propaganda that it's "normal" to have more than 1 real friend. Even with people who are "popular" or "normal", their friendships are pretty much all so flakey.....

I don't think its propaganda but true connections are rare indeed. And yes. Many friendships are more akin to a business relationship than a true friendship.
And it hurts terribly when you find out..

 

[Yknot]

I think one can read general anxiety in your post. Did you tell your human about your fear? I don't know how your relationship works and on what grounds your fears may or may not be based on. Sometimes being open about your fears may help your relationships.

Totally agree. You probably are clingy sometimes - and that may scare people if you are not open about the underlying insecurities. Speaking from experience, I stil need a lot of confirmation from my wife - but in my younger days I would sometimes put on a mask of disinterest to hide my insecurities. Protect myself from the inevitable rejection or something. Sometimes its better to be vulnerable.

 

[phoebusapollo]

Oh... They don't make sense, that's contradictive.

I don't know you well enough personally, but going off from that they might just be bad people.

I'm autistic and I grew up alone by choice because of how nonsensical people are with their demands. At some point from middle school I decided that I should pave my way for my future so I started socialising... I put up a front, it was a job, but I had surface levelled friendship with a lot of people...Either way, I never felt connected with a single person, ever, at least not until university. It wasn't that I didn't try to get to know them, but rather no matter how much or little effort I put, they were never the right people.

I met one of the only people I'd truly call my friend in university, and he was the one who reached out to me as much as I reached out to him, I didn't need to work for it to happen, and we've been friends for over 3 years now. I only have two people I'd actually call a friend... Though of course, a lot of acquaintances.

For me... I personally went online to talk to strangers and kept switching between them because most people are a waste of time otherwise.

I'm not very good at comforting. But what I've learnt myself, is that, 90% of the time, people tend to have malevolent motives, and 99.9% of the time, people will not be able to truly connect with you. I don't know how old you are... and I'm not very old myself, but I've invested myself deeply in a lot of people already so I've grown tired of relationships either way, haha, not the best solution but it's my experience.

Out of curiosity what do you mean by nonsensical in their demands?
Every day stuff I agree with.
But sometimes people in bad places try to reach out and get neglected. Not trying to imply that you do any of this, but I've come to see for myself that sometimes a cry for help can be quite subtle and quiet. (Just trying to understand the autists perspective)
I assume you mean every day normal stuff and maybe the demand to conform to certain social norms? The latter I've seen myself over and over again.

Also how do you feel with getting tired of relationships? Is it more a protection mechanism or a genuine desire to be left alone?

 

[nails]

I think it's propaganda that it's "normal" to have more than 1 real friend. Even with people who are "popular" or "normal", their friendships are pretty much all so flakey.....

for sure. it's not often that i see friend groups that seem healthy or even just genuinely close. still, i don't even have one friend and it seems a lot of people can relate. it's difficult and lonely, people just suck.

 

[Helio_Helio]

Out of curiosity what do you mean by nonsensical in their demands?
Every day stuff I agree with.
But sometimes people in bad places try to reach out and get neglected. Not trying to imply that you do any of this, but I've come to see for myself that sometimes a cry for help can be quite subtle and quiet. (Just trying to understand the autists perspective)
I assume you mean every day normal stuff and maybe the demand to conform to certain social norms? The latter I've seen myself over and over again.

Also how do you feel with getting tired of relationships? Is it more a protection mechanism or a genuine desire to be left alone?

Well.. nonsensical things... I can make a couple of examples off the top of my head:

- Working hard during a job but looked down by manager/ working less hard during a job but disliked by manager
- Saying hi to new people is seen as pathetic/ not saying hi is seen as obnoxious
- Asking the pronunciation of a foreign name (such as korean) is seen as stupid/ not asking is seen as rude
- Sharing conversations about hobbies is seen as attention begging/ only listening to them talk about hobbies is seen as pathetic

etc... etc...

They're every-day social issues.

And no, I never have any problems with people sharing their struggles with me, I'm happy to listen, though I also have healthy personal boundaries.

I'm getting tired of relationships because I have enough on my plate to deal with (bills, education, more bills, and personal hobbies I prefer to do with myself). Socialising demands me to put in a lot of work, I just really find it not entertaining enough to deal with anymore. Being online is a little different though, I can be a little more candid here when next to nothing is expected from a passing interaction online.

for sure. it's not often that i see friend groups that seem healthy or even just genuinely close. still, i don't even have one friend and it seems a lot of people can relate. it's difficult and lonely, people just suck.

I relate... I coped with just talking online. I guess it could count as the tiktok version of relationships, short dopamine boosts to keep me around when not having anyone actually genuine.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha Ferriera (Victus Group)/Mark 8:36

 

[phoebusapollo]

Well.. nonsensical things... I can make a couple of examples off the top of my head:

- Working hard during a job but looked down by manager/ working less hard during a job but disliked by manager
- Saying hi to new people is seen as pathetic/ not saying hi is seen as obnoxious
- Asking the pronunciation of a foreign name (such as korean) is seen as stupid/ not asking is seen as rude
- Sharing conversations about hobbies is seen as attention begging/ only listening to them talk about hobbies is seen as pathetic

etc... etc...

They're every-day social issues.

And no, I never have any problems with people sharing their struggles with me, I'm happy to listen, though I also have healthy personal boundaries.

I'm getting tired of relationships because I have enough on my plate to deal with (bills, education, more bills, and personal hobbies I prefer to do with myself). Socialising demands me to put in a lot of work, I just really find it not entertaining enough to deal with anymore. Being online is a little different though, I can be a little more candid here when next to nothing is expected from a passing interaction online.

I relate... I coped with just talking online. I guess it could count as the tiktok version of relationships, short dopamine boosts to keep me around when not having anyone actually genuine.

I see, that's close to my expectations.
One random question.
Do you get attached to your home/ place of living? A lot of routines stem from familiar places and everyday activities you conduct there. I myself am terrified because I may have to move because of a fucking job soon.
This creates terror for me. Pure terror.

 

[Helio_Helio]

I see, that's close to my expectations.
One random question.
Do you get attached to your home/ place of living? A lot of routines stem from familiar places and everyday activities you conduct there. I myself am terrified because I may have to move because of a fucking job soon.
This creates terror for me. Pure terror.

I am very attached to my home, it's part of me being neurodivergent (ND).

I also have c-PTSD, which is under the same ND umbrella as autism. My PTSD makes me very paranoid of new surroundings, I tend to have feelings that people may harm me.

I usually need to have 2 weeks to recover from moving, during which I get very depressed and scared. I usually feel ok planning a relocation though, I just dread the after-effects of it.

If you want to talk about autism and such with me, I think we can PM. I don't want the OP to feel that she (or they/he) is not getting heard in her own post...

 

[phoebusapollo]

I am very attached to my home, it's part of me being neurodivergent (ND).

I also have c-PTSD, which is under the same ND umbrella as autism. My PTSD makes very paranoid of new surroundings, I tend to have feelings that people may harm me.

I usually need to have 2 weeks to recover from moving, during which I get very depressed and scared. I usually feel ok planning a relocation though, I just dread the after-effects of it.

If you want to talk about autism and such with me, I think we can PM. I don't want to OP to feel that she's not getting heard in her own post...

Ok thanks for answering. Yeah. I sort of hijacked the post. I am sorry.