Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 257
I know I won't do it for a while. I need to move out of the house first. I need to save up enough money for everything I want to do.
And I know I'm going to go through the motions of it without fail. I can buy these things without feeling any fear or regret.
But actually fully understanding that I will no longer be in this form.. I cannot call it scary for the fact that it will happen. I can call it scary because I will not know what will happen to my boyfriend.
He knows about me wanting to ctb. He wants me to do what is best for me. He has accepted that fact that one day I might ctb. Overall, he is very supportive of me having my own autonomy. He is one of the only people I have met that respect that. He is one of the only people that truly loves and accepts all of me.
Whenever I bring up wanting to ctb and my worries of what will happen to him, he reassures me that he will be fine. But I'm so worried. He wants to live and do so many things in life. I was able to help him get through his abusive situation… but he's still not out of it. I can't leave him in that situation.
I would feel better about ctb if we were living together. If we had more personal quality time and connection, I don't think I would feel all of this fear. I would feel content with the connections I made. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know if I can hold on for that long. The political climate keeps getting worse. I'm scared I will never get the medical treatment I need to survive. I'm on testosterone, but I'm terrified that I won't be able to access surgeries.
And even with that.. I'm practically an efilist. I find life to be inherent suffering. Knowing that in order to live and maintain our bodies we have to consume.. it's just not a life that I feel comfortable living in. Heh, even after I die my molecules will just end up dispersing and creating new life. I wish there was a permanent end.
And I know I'm going to go through the motions of it without fail. I can buy these things without feeling any fear or regret.
But actually fully understanding that I will no longer be in this form.. I cannot call it scary for the fact that it will happen. I can call it scary because I will not know what will happen to my boyfriend.
He knows about me wanting to ctb. He wants me to do what is best for me. He has accepted that fact that one day I might ctb. Overall, he is very supportive of me having my own autonomy. He is one of the only people I have met that respect that. He is one of the only people that truly loves and accepts all of me.
Whenever I bring up wanting to ctb and my worries of what will happen to him, he reassures me that he will be fine. But I'm so worried. He wants to live and do so many things in life. I was able to help him get through his abusive situation… but he's still not out of it. I can't leave him in that situation.
I would feel better about ctb if we were living together. If we had more personal quality time and connection, I don't think I would feel all of this fear. I would feel content with the connections I made. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know if I can hold on for that long. The political climate keeps getting worse. I'm scared I will never get the medical treatment I need to survive. I'm on testosterone, but I'm terrified that I won't be able to access surgeries.
And even with that.. I'm practically an efilist. I find life to be inherent suffering. Knowing that in order to live and maintain our bodies we have to consume.. it's just not a life that I feel comfortable living in. Heh, even after I die my molecules will just end up dispersing and creating new life. I wish there was a permanent end.
