Help Every relapse is worse than the last.

[Lupgevif]

As the title says, everytime I relapse I feel worse than the last time. It is said that recovery is not a linear path, rather a slope full of ups and downs, but to me it feels like a downward spiral where I'm briefly feeling better just to feel worse than ever right after. I'm posting this because I'm seriously concerned, my impulses truly get worse every relapse and I'm afraid I might end up acting on them someday,

 

[Deadweight]

Yes, relapse is awful. All those old bad habits come flooding back for me. Getting stoned the moment I wake up, distracting myself all day with video games, reverting back to the habits of the depressive teenager I was, just now in my 30's. Every time it happens, I think to myself 'this is it, I can't come back from this one'. But I do.

The problem is, what am I coming back to? Starting again from square one, picking up the pieces once again, now a little bit (or a lot) older, with a little less hope than last time, and less of what precious little energy I had before.

Do you have access to any mental health professionals? It might be helpful to note the indications that you're heading towards relapse and getting some strategies in place to help cushion the fall. I recently relapsed, but I had a few things in place so I didn't crash as hard. But still, hard to get back up again when there's nothing to go back to.

 

[Rustysoupcan]

I'm with you there. Every depressive episode is worse than the last. Even if I'm doing everything right, depression still comes. Theres a quote I saw talking about covid but I think applies to mental illness too, "what doesn't kill you mutates and tries again". My depression evolves and gets around all the safe guards I put up. It makes me not even want to try because I'll put in effort and still fail. I'm come to terms with the fact I'll one day die by suicide. I dont have anything motivating to say to help you through it, so sorry about that. I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone in this.

 

[timf]

Ups and downs give one two groups of experiences to draw from. Seeing the cumulative effect of the "downs" can seem to take away hope. However, one might find in the cumulative effect of "ups" that which can be captured and built upon. This can be particularly true if one particular "up" period was longer or stronger tha others as it might give indication to that which can be expanded upon in the future.

 

[stellabelle]

As the title says, everytime I relapse I feel worse than the last time. It is said that recovery is not a linear path, rather a slope full of ups and downs, but to me it feels like a downward spiral where I'm briefly feeling better just to feel worse than ever right after. I'm posting this because I'm seriously concerned, my impulses truly get worse every relapse and I'm afraid I might end up acting on them someday

Yeah we all just lie and pretend like we're so much better being fucked with lied to lied about fucked with laughed at and fucked with some more. Haha I hope I fucking die sooner rather than later. The rapists and the people who stole and assaulted me repeatedly and lied and lied and blamed me and told me I have no place in this world. Fuck this life and everyone in it

 

[ghost_]

I'm with you there. Every depressive episode is worse than the last. Even if I'm doing everything right, depression still comes. Theres a quote I saw talking about covid but I think applies to mental illness too, "what doesn't kill you mutates and tries again". My depression evolves and gets around all the safe guards I put up. It makes me not even want to try because I'll put in effort and still fail. I'm come to terms with the fact I'll one day die by suicide. I dont have anything motivating to say to help you through it, so sorry about that. I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone in this.

I agree. just when I think im on the road to recovery the thought come back 100x worse or something happens that sets of a relapse. my self harm rn is getting worse and worse.

 

[Soapie]

Addiction is fucking awful. Just know that this spiral is not your fault. As harmful as it can be addiction serves a purpose for us. It was a tool that we had access to and it helped, even if it was short-term. You cant be blamed for getting by with what you had. None of us can. All we can do during the lows is survive, and that's okay. Feel no guilt in this. It's okay.