Venting Every night I wish I die

[Painless_end]

Yes every night. I want to pass away as painlessly as I can.

On worse days, I don't think about pain I just want to die.

I wish my survival instinct was not so strong.

My mind and my survival instinct oppose each other. My mind knows that I am useless in this world. Been living through lots of challenges in my 30 (soon to be 31) years on this planet. But SI won't let me take my own life.

The way it's happening is that my mind pushes me to the cliff and then my SI takes over and stops me from jumping. Because neither will stand down, I live in a state of constant flux. Cognitive dissonance is what it's called I think.

I am just in a very terrible place mentally.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I don't know you or your story, do you have any support around you, either personal or professional?

 

[SHThrowAway213]

same issues here
i wish i could just jump

 

[Painless_end]

I don't know you or your story, do you have any support around you, either personal or professional?

Yes I have both. I live with my parents who are kind and understanding upto a certain point. But I feel like they are reaching the end of their empathy limit for me.

I have also had professional help from multiple therapists for the past 6 years.

But, a part of me knows that I just want to die.

It has to do with me being a barely functional person with regards to doing a job, having a hobby, being interested in food, sex, etc

I just have very low or negative inclination for these things which are the pillars of a supposedly healthy life.

I am just like this since I was a kid.

I have had my physical and mental / emotional growth spurts but those have not been permanent.

At heart, I just want to be nothing and do nothing. It's just that life won't let me be this way.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I am totally alone now........also very very sick physically and suffer so much. I wish to slip away peacefully in my sleep but just never happens...........why si it that people can pass away 'just like that' and yet those who wish to go just cant.
I lost the last person who loved and cared about me (dad) just before Christmas and have noone now................second he went I wanted too aswell..............no amount of begging to higher forces or wishing allows me to slip away..............its hideous. Hope it helps you a tiny bit to know that you are alone in these totally horrific situations.
You say you have your parents, hold on to that please.

 

[highlyvolatile]

Same here. I pray for death in my sleep. I just want en exit. But if life wont do it for me, I will.

 

[oxymoron]

Yes every night. I want to pass away as painlessly as I can.

On worse days, I don't think about pain I just want to die.

I wish my survival instinct was not so strong.

My mind and my survival instinct oppose each other. My mind knows that I am useless in this world. Been living through lots of challenges in my 30 (soon to be 31) years on this planet. But SI won't let me take my own life.

The way it's happening is that my mind pushes me to the cliff and then my SI takes over and stops me from jumping. Because neither will stand down, I live in a state of constant flux. Cognitive dissonance is what it's called I think.

I am just in a very terrible place mentally.

Depression 101

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your mental suffering. It's hard when you want to escape, but you can't. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Shinbu]

It's been the same for me as well. I want to die. It would be nice if a bag of F dropped from the sky, and went through the ceiling in the room I'm in. Skin disorders sucks. My skin been flaring up because of my eczema. I can't even sleep. I wish I was never born. It was much worse earlier. I was laughing in pain.

 

[Painless_end]

Depression 101

No. I am genuinely cornered. I just cant explain anymore

 

[Soul]

In Victorian novels people died "of broken hearts". The Bronte sisters' characters died of "brain fever", always at the most graceful moment. At least in TV commercials, Native Americans decide on "a good day to die" and just do it.

The rest of us have to do it ourselves. I sympathise with every wish for a sack of fentanyl to drop from the sky, for a guardian angel to pull the plug, for some kind of broken-brain fever to sail away on, for the blues to come up walking like a man. But it doesn't work like that and I gots to do it myself.

 

[MrOptions]

Same here. I pray for death in my sleep.

Ditto.

 

[SugarbushMtn]

Me too, so often I try to will myself to stop breathing or will my pulse to zero. Doesnt work i know..

 

[a.n.kirillov]

In Victorian novels people died "of broken hearts". The Bronte sisters' characters died of "brain fever", always at the most graceful moment. At least in TV commercials, Native Americans decide on "a good day to die" and just do it.

The rest of us have to do it ourselves. I sympathise with every wish for a sack of fentanyl to drop from the sky, for a guardian angel to pull the plug, for some kind of broken-brain fever to sail away on, for the blues to come up walking like a man. But it doesn't work like that and I gots to do it myself.

Yeah but they didn't have the internet so they 'went into the water' to catch the bus; which probably had a success rate of what, one percent?

 

[Donk]

i wish i didnt have a wife or family. the only thing stopping me feom ctb is the guilt of hurting them.

 

[marcusuk63]

No. I am genuinely cornered. I just cant explain anymore

Ditto

 

[SugarbushMtn]

i wish i didnt have a wife or family. the only thing stopping me feom ctb is the guilt of hurting them.

Me too, exactly the same position. The damage you leave behind is the real issue, suicidal persons death is incidental.