Every day that you don't CTB... life just keeps going...

[Sleeper System]

I feel like I got over this latest phase of deep depression so I haven't felt the need to vent as much on here about my desire to CTB. That being said, I know that this is only the long calm before the storm. Eventually, it will come back and I'll have to face the betrayal of my own mind and the torment that overthinking things causes me.

The realization that life continues without you is sobering to say the least. Imagine you died tonight. Other than the people closely involved with the situation... everyone else just goes about their day. Time stops for no one.
Everyone's struggles continue It's crazy. I feel a bit self centered when I get suicidal. Like the world revolves around me and my own pain and escaping it is the only thing that matters. But vice versa... you are justified in feeling that way because honestly no one (the world) gives a fuck about you.

I recently found out that a co-work from a location I use to work at had passed away a few months back. He was a Trans person and for some reason I immediately thought suicide. But it was actually a fatal car accident that took his life. I did not know that happened and simply continued my own life unaffected. But when I found out I was surprised. Then I felt bad for them. Then I felt happy and relieved. Because maybe he didn't want to die but his life was done and all the noise of living was canceled put. The thing I want the most sometimes.

Makes me wish more and more that their was a way to transfer my remaining years to someone who values living and truelly wants to be here. You just now the rich elite would take full advantage of that. SMH.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i get what you're saying, it's kinda crazy thinking about it. i find it kind of comforting tho, that i don't matter here and can just go. my close family may be upset, but i feel like i'm more of a burden than a blessing to them at this point.

and that last part, about wanting to give your remaining life years to someone who actually wants them; that would be a dream. sometimes i think about having a disease and how that would be so helpful (sorry to everyone who actually has one). people would have a valid reason as to why i died (suicide is a valid reason in and of itself, but in my environment it's looked down upon and not talked about). it's kind of morbid, but a girl can only dream. how ideal would that be?

 

[Sleeper System]

i get what you're saying, it's kinda crazy thinking about it. i find it kind of comforting tho, that i don't matter here and can just go. my close family may be upset, but i feel like i'm more of a burden than a blessing to them at this point.

and that last part, about wanting to give your remaining life years to someone who actually wants them; that would be a dream. sometimes i think about having a disease and how that would be so helpful (sorry to everyone who actually has one). people would have a valid reason as to why i died (suicide is a valid reason in and of itself, but in my environment it's looked down upon and not talked about). it's kind of morbid, but a girl can only dream. how ideal would that be?

I know a guy from work who you wouldn't be surprised to run into on a site like this. He ended up getting some type of cancer and had to take medical leave for treatment. When he came back he had a new appreciation for life. He said he was glad to be back at work and doing something. He now just smiles like an idiot all the time and it's annoying lol

I try to not eat too unhealthy sometimes but then I realize HEY IDIOT you want to die so why the fuck do you care? I would love to get some sort of terminal thing where I could check out or have a heart attack. At least I think I do. Probably not though.

Anyway, people care about me I think. I just find it hard to care about them when I don't even care about myself. I feel like all my interactions in life are programs I'm following at this point. Just routine.

 

[hopelessdreams]

Anyway, people care about me I think. I just find it hard to care about them when I don't even care about myself. I feel like all my interactions in life are programs I'm following at this point. Just routine.

SAME, couldn't have said it better honestly. I have two close friends that care about me, but I can't bring myself to see them or do something fun. I just feel like a fraud pretending im okay. Ive subtly hinted my suicidal thoughts and they seem very taken aback by it. Im just waiting at this point to have a good method and location so that I can start ghosting them and leave this shitshow.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes life just keeps going on and I wish I could hop off the ride … Absolutely no reason to be here at this point…

 

[Veraln]

I regret to have postponed several times, because I will end up to hurt new people who care about me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally envy those who are gone as they cannot suffer anymore. I am tired of this life and I see no point to it all. It does comfort me in a way how insignificant and meaningless my life really is. Eventually I will be forgotten about and I will become nothing. I just wish that it is easier to leave this world. I wish you the best.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I just think of the year 2122 where 99% of the current living adults will be gone. Mellows me out and gives me perspective that death is natural. Time doesn't care about anyone.