Venting Every choice is wrong

[Stripe19]

Life in general has been mistake after mistake but today has been a breaking point and extreme.
any choice, any decision, any move i make is the wrong one
i can flip a switch, and it wont turn on. I can flip it on and off over and over and it will not affect anything.
and then someone else can come by, flip it, turn on the lights, and ask wtf i was doing sitting around in the dark.
To elaborate:
Went to go watch a show and got stuck in traffic so showed late and made it look like i didnt care about my gf's show.
Went to find a seat while it was dark and found out i accidentally took a handicap one
Left the show after a short chat with her only to find out her and our friends threw a party i wouldve been invited to if i stuck around LITERALLY 5 seconds longer
Had some crappy mood so i went for a walk to try to get fresh air and help cool it, and instead just was alone with my thoughts and got sore feet.
Then i get home, accidentally step on my cat's tail, and realize my dogs got into the trash because i didnt close my door
and finally, im here. Just stagnant because im pretty sure if i pointed a 12 gage at my chin and pulled the trigger, it would hit my cat.
I just dunno. Even CTB seems like i'd just fail and seem like an idiot. It feels like im in a room where every door has a different, awful thing to hit me with.
Wouldnt even suprise me if i missed something in this message and trouble someone or get banned because i violated some rule i dont currently remember.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so frustrating what you've had to go through. The reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in a world where chance so cruelly determines everything and it's just so awful when things keep on going wrong. I really despise this world where there is no limit as to how much we can suffer.

 

[AllMyDreams]

That really sucks- I've had lots of days like this. Why aren't you satisfied with life in general?

Don't want to be "that person" but so many on here are miserable precisely because they have no gf. You've obviously done something right :)

 

[Stripe19]

That really sucks- I've had lots of days like this. Why aren't you satisfied with life in general?

Don't want to be "that person" but so many on here are miserable precisely because they have no gf. You've obviously done something right :)

I've got a GF and im *the* LGBT rights person in the town, having hosted clubs and groups and whatnot, and even multiple groups of friends.
In the short term, im not 100% sure, but it just somehow isnt enough. Pills, therapy, pets of every kind, friends of every kind, food of every flavor, and yet it's all bland.
In the long term, Somehow it feels like nothing is enough, and i cant bear my guilt and shame all these days. I hate hate HAAATEEE myself and regularly punish myself in all manner of ways. Sometimes i hate myself for somehow being given so many chances by life and still fucking everything up, and sometimes i wonder if it wouldve even mattered if i was deprived of these things. I don't honestly feel much better with a GF than without, but it's salt in the wound that im pretty sure she is getting fed up with my shit, and that this kinda cycle always happens. I build other people up, and ive got people telling me im the reason they didnt CTB, but i myself dont feel deserving of a drop of that praise. I could cure cancer and be ruler of the world and i don't think it would make me happy, it would just delay my self loathing. Ive got alot more but this message is dragging on so ill end it here.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I've got a GF and im *the* LGBT rights person in the town, having hosted clubs and groups and whatnot, and even multiple groups of friends.
In the short term, im not 100% sure, but it just somehow isnt enough. Pills, therapy, pets of every kind, friends of every kind, food of every flavor, and yet it's all bland.
In the long term, Somehow it feels like nothing is enough, and i cant bear my guilt and shame all these days. I hate hate HAAATEEE myself and regularly punish myself in all manner of ways. Sometimes i hate myself for somehow being given so many chances by life and still fucking everything up, and sometimes i wonder if it wouldve even mattered if i was deprived of these things. I don't honestly feel much better with a GF than without, but it's salt in the wound that im pretty sure she is getting fed up with my shit, and that this kinda cycle always happens. I build other people up, and ive got people telling me im the reason they didnt CTB, but i myself dont feel deserving of a drop of that praise. I could cure cancer and be ruler of the world and i don't think it would make me happy, it would just delay my self loathing. Ive got alot more but this message is dragging on so ill end it here.

I wish I could help, I don't feel like I'm qualified to... but thanks for sharing. What you feel all sounds valid and well thought out. But it sounds like you're a fundamentally good, considerate person. Why do you feel guilt?

Do you think you could be basing your happiness too much on external factors (accomplishments, etc.) and it's gotten hollow? I've had to learn to create happiness for myself and not from others. I wouldn't care about whether or not I cured cancer/become ruler of the world either because that's not my goal for myself, that's society's default.

I'm gay too btw, think a lot of people here are.

 

[Stripe19]

I wish I could help, I don't feel like I'm qualified to... but thanks for sharing. What you feel all sounds valid and well thought out. But it sounds like you're a fundamentally good, considerate person. Why do you feel guilt?

Do you think you could be basing your happiness too much on external factors (accomplishments, etc.) and it's gotten hollow? I've had to learn to create happiness for myself and not from others. I wouldn't care about whether or not I cured cancer/become ruler of the world either because that's not my goal for myself, that's society's default.

I'm gay too btw, think a lot of people here are.

You dont need to help, i just vent this kinda stuff but dont expect much more than for my words to reach eyes or ears.
I feel guilt because A: i am quite clumsy and empty platitudes aside, have screwed alot of things. I may be the reason some people want to live, but i also see it as my responsibility to care for people and those who caught the bus before me have left me feeling like they'd have reason to stay if i did things different.
B: Because i hold so much wealth and power compared to others and yet give such a small impact it feels like im just making others "sink" slower, and making myself sink with them even though i could've easily floated.
The external factors bit does sound reasonable, but ive drowned so much in self loathing im still unable to validate things i do. Not even exactly sure the exact cause or reason behind it but i notice in my worst mental states i get a almost spanish-inquisitor-type of mindset toward myself, falling behind on some vague quota of things i was supposed to improve for others, and seeing anything remotely selfish as heresy and vileness. It's like the giving tree, except the tree feels it doesnt deserve having anything.
Also glad to see there is no worries about bigotry/homophobia here, not that it would really help anyone or anything given the general "allure" of the site

 

[AllMyDreams]

You dont need to help, i just vent this kinda stuff but dont expect much more than for my words to reach eyes or ears.
I feel guilt because A: i am quite clumsy and empty platitudes aside, have screwed alot of things. I may be the reason some people want to live, but i also see it as my responsibility to care for people and those who caught the bus before me have left me feeling like they'd have reason to stay if i did things different.
B: Because i hold so much wealth and power compared to others and yet give such a small impact it feels like im just making others "sink" slower, and making myself sink with them even though i could've easily floated.
The external factors bit does sound reasonable, but ive drowned so much in self loathing im still unable to validate things i do. Not even exactly sure the exact cause or reason behind it but i notice in my worst mental states i get a almost spanish-inquisitor-type of mindset toward myself, falling behind on some vague quota of things i was supposed to improve for others, and seeing anything remotely selfish as heresy and vileness. It's like the giving tree, except the tree feels it doesnt deserve having anything.
Also glad to see there is no worries about bigotry/homophobia here, not that it would really help anyone or anything given the general "allure" of the site

Hmm... well it's absolutely amazing that you've saved lives and improved the lives of others. That is such a rare thing (especially since you're not being paid to do it). Most people just don't gaf.

That being said... I don't know the root cause of your low self-worth but what helps for me is saying something like: you have a quota of things you are supposed to improve for people, so make yourself part of that quota. You'd still be doing the same amount of net good in the world, just spaced out around different people (more geared towards yourself). All of us are equal in the eyes of the universe so it doesn't really matter as much *who* you're helping (including yourself) as long as you are doing the same amount of good, and not hurting others for your benefit.

First love yourself
Then you can love someone else
If you can change someone else
Then you have saved someone else
But you must
First love yourself