Ever push the idea of ctb into the future because you believe "future you" will be different than current you?

[Ambivalent1]

I've realized that it will always have to be me who does the dying. Pushing it down the road doesn't change anything. A new, braver person who resembles me isn't going to do it for me. This applies to regular death as well.

 

[ctb★prince]

oh i absolutely do, im so obsessed with my progress in all things i do that i subconsciously started to believe that ill get stronger and prettier and smarter one day, so far not much has changed, but the hope keeps me going, maybe we will reach the point of happiness one day, maybe all of our problems will simply blow the hell up

 

[Ambivalent1]

oh i absolutely do, im so obsessed with my progress in all things i do that i subconsciously started to believe that ill get stronger and prettier and smarter one day, so far not much has changed, but the hope keeps me going, maybe we will reach the point of happiness one day, maybe all of our problems will simply blow the hell up

That's not what I meant. I meant that your current self is a coward and you look to a day where a stronger you can ctb easily. But the future you isn't someone different. It's you as you are now and have always been.

 

[ctb★prince]

That's not what I meant. I meant that your current self is a coward and you look to a day where a stronger you can ctb easily.

so the completely other way around? sorry for misunderstanding, still, hope that youll get to be stronger in whatever way works out for you best

 

[Ambivalent1]

so the completely other way around? sorry for misunderstanding, still, hope that youll get to be stronger in whatever way works out for you best

And also it's not just about strength. It's the idea that you won't have to experience death. I always thought of death as far away and that the person I would be when I died would be someone who doesn't feel like me, but the truth is when I die, I as I am now and have always been will have to experience the fear and pain of dying.

 

[ctb★prince]

And also it's not just about strength. It's the idea that you won't have to experience death. I always thought of death as far away and that the person I would be when I died would be someone who doesn't feel like me, but the truth is when I die, I as I am now and have always been will have to experience the fear and pain of dying.

ohhh like that, then maybe, maybe i have those thoughts too sometimes... now that i get it its kind of scary i guess
but still, no matter how pointless that is, im wishing for both of us to be ready when it comes for us

 

[Ambivalent1]

ohhh like that, then maybe, maybe i have those thoughts too sometimes... now that i get it its kind of scary i guess
but still, no matter how pointless that is, im wishing for both of us to be ready when it comes for us

I bet it's uncomfortable but so is life

 

[Forever Sleep]

When it's regular death though- you simply won't have the choice- whether you shit yourself in terror, or pass away peacefully- it's going to happen. Have you ever had a major-ish illness? I'm guessing it will be like that. I didn't feel 'ready' to experience gallstones. It just struck me one morning and I had no option but to try and cope with it. It's not to say we don't still fear stuff like it happening but oddly- when it does happen- it can sometimes be reassuring. I didn't think I'd be able to cope with an endoscopy but- that was nothing compared to a gallstone attack. It can make you realise that you CAN actually cope with things. The hope with death is- you'll only have to do it once!

Of course- choosing to bring it about early is a different matter. I think for many of us- things MAYBE aren't quite severe enough to corner us into doing it yet. It maybe isn't so much that you'll get braver as you get older- more that you may feel the chances and motivation to improve your life feel less- so- the fear of life getting worse and worse is greater than the fear of ending it.

For me though- I simply don't feel like I can CTB with my Dad still around. For now, I'm resolved to hang on for him. My worry is the future me will be even more desperate to go than I am now and it will be that much harder to hold on.

I have no idea where I'll be in terms of mustering the courage to CTB. Although- I'll be grief stricken for one plus- the utter horror of possibly seeing an estranged family member may be enough to motivate me to do it. I wonder though- whether it's actually courage that people need as their push- or- that their circumstances deteriorate further. Not that I wish that for you- of course. It's a pretty depressing thought really- that we simply need to wait for things to become so utterly intolerable that murdering ourselves is the better option.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Past me would be disappointed.