Ever ask yourself what am I waiting for?

[hfdepression30]

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about my death, Googling, researching, planning, reading news articles, looking at blogs to see people who relate to what I'm feeling - I mean subconsciously this is just a distraction. right?

It feels so pointless punishing myself with all this thinking and planning, and telling myself 'ok, I'll do it this way and on this day'. But why that day? If I'm so desperate to die then why not today?.. and then I get that empty feeling at the pit of my stomach - the one that makes you feel dead inside already - and then I just sit there, with no energy, no motivation or determination for life, but the lack of energy almost overwhelms me that I don't act on death. I have nothing to wait for. Sometimes I wish something dramatic would happen, like some argument or losing my home, something that would increase my emotions enough to a 'now or never' moment, but it's so hard when emotionally I feel so numb to everything.

 

[intr0verse]

For me, i know it's the SI. I haven't found a way to overcome it yet.

 

[fred farkle]

i strongly relate to the OP! Why have I not done it yet? I guess I dont want to,but living this life,hell no i dont want that either!!

 

[aminend]

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about my death, Googling, researching, planning, reading news articles, looking at blogs to see people who relate to what I'm feeling - I mean subconsciously this is just a distraction. right?

It feels so pointless punishing myself with all this thinking and planning, and telling myself 'ok, I'll do it this way and on this day'. But why that day? If I'm so desperate to die then why not today?.. and then I get that empty feeling at the pit of my stomach - the one that makes you feel dead inside already - and then I just sit there, with no energy, no motivation or determination for life, but the lack of energy almost overwhelms me that I don't act on death. I have nothing to wait for. Sometimes I wish something dramatic would happen, like some argument or losing my home, something that would increase my emotions enough to a 'now or never' moment, but it's so hard when emotionally I feel so numb to everything.

This is my every day struggle. I think we must be more brave and just do what we think that's true.

 

[demuic]

I know exactly what I'm waiting for. It will happen soon enough.

 

[Trisolaris]

Waiting for a reliable method, nothing else.

 

[PlushieLover]

I'm personally waiting until I have my own home/apartment. I think it will be more difficult for someone to stop me that way. Also I want to see the new Batman movie and play some videogames before I die.

 

[happylilsht]

I don't know what i'm waiting for either i'm pretty sure nothing can happen that would make me want to live i'm just wasting time here i feel like my family might be what's holding me back i imagine them finding me in our home or me disappearing for a few days and then they find out what happen i can't get over it i think i would find it easier if I didn't have my family we aren't close but we live together and i know how devastating the news would be for them they will never be the same after but I can't take it anymore every day feels like a year passing by i wish i did it earlier as a child and got it over with the older i get the harder it gets deep down i'm also waiting for something horrible to happen so i can have an excuse or a push but for now i'm just waiting living to contemplate my suicide that's the only relief i get I can't wait for the right time

 

[alittlehuman_]

I was where you are right now. I needed a method I could fathom but more importantly I needed to relate.
before I found you guys I resorted to forcing myself to look at people exploited by assholes on reddit. And it wouldn't have done shit.
Just hang in there and keep checking in here and more will be reveled to you when you are ready.
When we sleep we problem solve so stuff is going on for you and we are here too.
I spent all day getting my thoughts in order. I am concerned about siezure because I don't feel like gaming the system to get a valium so we shall see.
Also I did read a lovely post here about making peace with death and that really helped.
I am so lonely but that is ok.

 

[hfdepression30]

I don't know what i'm waiting for either i'm pretty sure nothing can happen that would make me want to live i'm just wasting time here i feel like my family might be what's holding me back i imagine them finding me in our home or me disappearing for a few days and then they find out what happen i can't get over it i think i would find it easier if I didn't have my family we aren't close but we live together and i know how devastating the news would be for them they will never be the same after but I can't take it anymore every day feels like a year passing by i wish i did it earlier as a child and got it over with the older i get the harder it gets deep down i'm also waiting for something horrible to happen so i can have an excuse or a push but for now i'm just waiting living to contemplate my suicide that's the only relief i get I can't wait for the right time

Yep, very relatable..
I think the main thing holding me back is the fact I feel so bad for myself that the only option I see is suicide. Like I know how amazing the world can be and we all have ability to create and shape our own destiny with time and effort, but I genuinely hate the life I'm living, the body I'm in, the experiences I've had and the mental and emotion torment that goes through my mind on a daily basis. I've really tried to live and take risks to figure out what I want but this life just isn't for me. Whenever I think about suicide, I always think about how bad I feel for myself, as if I'm someone else pitying me if that makes sense.. I think that holds me back because it turns my mood from 'certain and determined' to 'feeling low, lethargic and kind of wallowing in self pity'. I don't know what it's gonna take.. my own will and commitment, or influence my will and commitment with alcohol (even though I'm not necessarily a drinker, although it would work in my favour having a low tolerance to alcohol).. *shrugs*

 

[Deathbydemo]

Yes, I can relate. I am plagued with thoughts that I have the power to end it right now but just choose not to. I am waiting for my SN in the post though. I tried to hang myself but failed miserably, so this is my next best option. Once it gets here, I can't wait any longer and will use it probably immediately.

 

[hahabye]

I feel exactly the same... For so many years now. I had everything planned out a year ago and there was nothing standing in between me and the end. And still, I couldn't do it. I am telling myself it's because I still feel responsible for my pets, whom I love to the bone. But the more time passes by the more hopeless and tired I feel. So maybe the breaking point is still to come?

 

[hfdepression30]

I feel exactly the same... For so many years now. I had everything planned out a year ago and there was nothing standing in between me and the end. And still, I couldn't do it. I am telling myself it's because I still feel responsible for my pets, whom I love to the bone. But the more time passes by the more hopeless and tired I feel. So maybe the breaking point is still to come?

mhm, I understand.. I pretty much helped raise my sisters cats. The first one came in 2010 when I just moved into my sisters home after coming out of the psych hospital at my most vulnerable and emotionally unstable, and I credit her (the cat) for being the reason I'm alive today and didn't reattempt suicide back then. Even though I love those cats more than anything in the world, they're technically my sisters anyway and also it's fortunate that I moved out a few years ago, so I don't have to worry about them not having anywhere to go, and my sister cares for them very well anyway. As much as I want to be around for them because I love their company and I know they love me, I kind of don't want to watch them grow older because it's gonna break my heart if I have to go through either of their deaths. I know that would push me over the edge but I still don't want that to be the reason I leave. I'd rather leave before them :/

 

[hahabye]

mhm, I understand.. I pretty much helped raise my sisters cats. The first one came in 2010 when I just moved into my sisters home after coming out of the psych hospital at my most vulnerable and emotionally unstable, and I credit her (the cat) for being the reason I'm alive today and didn't reattempt suicide back then. Even though I love those cats more than anything in the world, they're technically my sisters anyway and also it's fortunate that I moved out a few years ago, so I don't have to worry about them not having anywhere to go, and my sister cares for them very well anyway. As much as I want to be around for them because I love their company and I know they love me, I kind of don't want to watch them grow older because it's gonna break my heart if I have to go through either of their deaths. I know that would push me over the edge but I still don't want that to be the reason I leave. I'd rather leave before them :/

My thoughts exactly. I love my cats more than anything and the thought of me going before them is so comforting. And while I'm sure there would be someone to take good care of them, it is just so difficult to say goodbye. I feel so guilty for choosing to leave them. But I also realise that they will get over it and forget eventually.

 

[Bat 17]

I made a serious attempt to CTB. It didn't work, obviously, but it left me with permanent injuries and months in medical and psychiatric hospitals.

Now what stops me is that I wish to be there for my daughters. That didn't stop me in my attempt, but I was pretty severely mentally unwell then.

I still think about CTB all the time though. If it wasn't for my daughters I'd probably go again. I'm certainly not afraid of dying.

 

[hfdepression30]

My thoughts exactly. I love my cats more than anything and the thought of me going before them is so comforting. And while I'm sure there would be someone to take good care of them, it is just so difficult to say goodbye. I feel so guilty for choosing to leave them. But I also realise that they will get over it and forget eventually.

Your feelings are more than valid. If I were still living with my sister and our two cats, I would have a really hard time choosing to leave.. it's an unbreakable bond and unconditional love

I made a serious attempt to CTB. It didn't work, obviously, but it left me with permanent injuries and months in medical and psychiatric hospitals.

Now what stops me is that I wish to be there for my daughters. That didn't stop me in my attempt, but I was pretty severely mentally unwell then.

I still think about CTB all the time though. If it wasn't for my daughters I'd probably go again. I'm certainly not afraid of dying.

Sorry to hear about your injuries, but I'm happy that you're able to use your daughters as your focus to continue living.

 

[WornOutLife]

I guess what I'm waiting for is to muster up the courage to go for it.
A method as peaceful as possible will certainly help but having the guts to do it is the key.

 

[Istanbulite]

the truly end of this winter

 

[slushy]

No. I know what I am waiting for, and it is death. I just need to wait to be able to access a method I feel comfortable with--well, as comfortable as one can be.

 

[FuneralCry]

All that humans are doing is waiting around for death, that is what life is, it is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. Everything we do is just a distraction from death, death is our inevitable fate, I just wish that it was easier to get there. I am only still here because ctb is so difficult, for me there is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I am so tired of living and all I want is to sleep for all eternity.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about my death, Googling, researching, planning, reading news articles, looking at blogs to see people who relate to what I'm feeling - I mean subconsciously this is just a distraction. right?

It feels so pointless punishing myself with all this thinking and planning, and telling myself 'ok, I'll do it this way and on this day'. But why that day? If I'm so desperate to die then why not today?.. and then I get that empty feeling at the pit of my stomach - the one that makes you feel dead inside already - and then I just sit there, with no energy, no motivation or determination for life, but the lack of energy almost overwhelms me that I don't act on death. I have nothing to wait for. Sometimes I wish something dramatic would happen, like some argument or losing my home, something that would increase my emotions enough to a 'now or never' moment, but it's so hard when emotionally I feel so numb to everything.

Think of it as planting the scenes for when one is ready; just like planting a seeds to harvest the crop later. "Fortune favors the ready". Better to know how to do it right BEFORE the time comes than to do it out of desperation without any foreknowledge/planning and screw it up.

 

[sarahwilliams]

the truly end of this winter

Please hang on until the spring, just give yourself a chance to feel the warmth of the sun on your face and then you can decide if you truly want it to be the last time. Of course you are always in control of your own destiny, but I've found that when I'm in the sunlight its hard to imagine leaving this world forever.