Even suicide is loosing meaning

[September5th]

So, I've been here for a few weeks and everyone here already knows how much of a crybaby I truly am. In the grand picture, I know that my problems are miniscule. However, they kill me inside.
I was thinking about it, though, and virtually all of them are direct consequences of my own actions. Perhaps not the childhood traumas (divorce in the family, mom who works too much, dad who's just as crazy as me)... All the other things, however... Yeah, those are on me. Life IS fair.
I lost my girlfriend because of my own shitty actions. Now, I wasn't a horrible boyfriend or anything. That said, some things are impossible to reverse, no matter how much you try to improve. If you're interested, I may go into details in this thread.
I'm studying something I hate because I was irresponsible as all hell. I simply didn't care and signed up for the first thing that came to mind. I didn't even bother checking where I would have to go to study (I wasn't ignorant, but stupid at 17).
I'm constantly driving others away, including my family. I'm clinically almost unable to enjoy good moments without thinking about my misery. I'm now developing a drinking issue and that's leading me to do some pretty stupid shit, like kissing my ex's best friend. I literally threw away the long friendship that we still had because I'm an asshole. She's never looking at my face ever again.

I'm such a looser/overall garbage person that nothing in life makes sense anymore. Even suicide. Who's even gonna care? It's meaningless to me now. Am I that desperate for attention? Fuck. I don't even have the strength to want to die.

Sorry for the vent thread number #2537262. I can't keep saying shit like this to everyone around me. Otherwise they'll all leave. You're the only ones who listen.

 

[Zegers]

You sound confused man, if you can, take a travel alone, this is something that might help you.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I know. The irony, when you open up to a friend or family nobody wants to talk. But they cry later like why they didn't say anything. 'I'm shocked this happened I didn't see the signs'. I'm starting to drink. Now I know how Amy Winehouse felt.

 

[lamort]

If I may ask, how long are you feeling this way? And are you taking antidepressants? They might help. And yes, I would like to hear what happened to your relationship, if you want to vent, dear brazilian pal. I do know the burden of regret is a big one, because we can't go back in time and change our actions. But one thing that conforts me is thinking that we did best with what we knew at the time, and that's who we were. Of course now with all the knowledge of what happened we wish we could change things, but we only know that because the consequences happened. Romantic relationships are so triggering, they can be so intense.

Anyways, I get what you mean about suicide losing meaning. It makes so much sense when I'm actively suffering, but when I'm numb it feels like living or dying would be the same.

 

[Wormfood]

I know. The irony, when you open up to a friend or family nobody wants to talk. But they cry later like why they didn't say anything. 'I'm shocked this happened I didn't see the signs'. I'm starting to drink. Now I know how Amy Winehouse feels

I can relate to this much. This is why I don't feel guilty for leaving anybody cause they are thinking that I am seeking pity when I open up. I keep my lips sealed and plot.

So, I've been here for a few weeks and everyone here already knows how much of a crybaby I truly am. In the grand picture, I know that my problems are miniscule. However, they kill me inside.
I was thinking about it, though, and virtually all of them are direct consequences of my own actions. Perhaps not the childhood traumas (divorce in the family, mom who works too much, dad who's just as crazy as me)... All the other things, however... Yeah, those are on me. Life IS fair.
I lost my girlfriend because of my own shitty actions. Now, I wasn't a horrible boyfriend or anything. That said, some things are impossible to reverse, no matter how much you try to improve. If you're interested, I may go into details in this thread.
I'm studying something I hate because I was irresponsible as all hell. I simply didn't care and signed up for the first thing that came to mind. I didn't even bother checking where I would have to go to study (I wasn't ignorant, but stupid at 17).
I'm constantly driving others away, including my family. I'm clinically almost unable to enjoy good moments without thinking about my misery. I'm now developing a drinking issue and that's leading me to do some pretty stupid shit, like kissing my ex's best friend. I literally threw away the long friendship that we still had because I'm an asshole. She's never looking at my face ever again.

I'm such a looser/overall garbage person that nothing in life makes sense anymore. Even suicide. Who's even gonna care? It's meaningless to me now. Am I that desperate for attention? Fuck. I don't even have the strength to want to die.

Sorry for the vent thread number #2537262. I can't keep saying shit like this to everyone around me. Otherwise they'll all leave. You're the only ones who listen.

I'm a crybaby. I need a lot of hand holding. I need a lot of attention. I'm 28 years old yet I feel like a manchild. It is what it is. Who hasn't done stupid stuff? Bad decisions? Totally can relate. I'd be honored to listen to you. I like to see the best in people and if I can so flawed yet awesome why not you?

 

[hopelessdreams]

sounds like you are your own worst enemy. bad decisions can fuck you up for a long time. but i want you to know there are options. your friends don't give a shit? dump them. spend time alone, take a trip alone. it can really help you with finding independence. journal, to get out your feelings if nobody else wants to listen (i do that too). as for college, it's never too late to switch. i too signed up for the first thing that i saw and regretted it immediately. now, if i listened to society, id finish it and be miserable the whole time. but i didn't. i dropped out of college, and i'm now looking for another course.

feel free to vent about your relationship. there are enough people here that actually want to listen to you, including me!

 

[FinalDestiny]

It may not mean much but I completely get this.

I've been in a similar place myself trying to climb my way out.

I'm also pretty unsure of what to do or feel other than being a useless waste of a human life.

I felt that I should share this with you, because seeing your post reminded me that I'm not going through this specific scenario all alone.

I also have been a dick to anyone that gets close to me. Feeling constantly out of my element, never knowing what I want out of life. I've also practically pushed everyone away too.

Someone recently helped me with perspective though. For myself, I think it stems from a lack of self love. I don't know if when you look inward, you feel the same. But I hope you can learn to ask yourself the tough questions and be truly honest with yourself.

Myself, there have been times that I haven't been very honest even with myself about what I feel and why. I was too busy trying to numb or ignore the pain I grew accustomed to living with.

 

[September5th]

I just wanted to say that you're all wonderful people for listening to such a boring ass dude like me XD
My friends do actually give a shit and that's why I don't want to talk to them about it. I'm in this shit hole for over two months and I can't stop thinking about it. It's consuming my life. I know that my bad vibe is starting to tire people. Everyone wants to be happy, but I'm always so miserable.

Since you seem to be interested, I'm going to talk about this past relationship in specific and why it's causing me so much pain.
Where do I begin? I always had some issues, though nothing like this depression state I'm in right now. Because of that, I had some self-esteem insecurities (you know, the usual teenage stuff). Last year, however, I decided to do something about it. I met this childhood friend of mine (who was absent from my life for a little while) and we feel in love pretty quickly.
I remember having confidence that I could be with her, so I kept on trying to conquer her heart. My advantage was that this girl actually liked me since middle school and we were best friends, so I had material to work with.
It all culminated in this great day we had together. We went to São Paulo to visit this famous bar and we had to sleep there (we live in a city nearby). Man, that was the peak of my life, really. So much fun and we finally did more than just a kiss. About a week after we began to date. I took her to the park, bought her a ring and placed it in a bag with her favorite lollipops, which she was having a hard time finding.

Man, was I happy. Every date, every call... It was all so much fun and special. Even the simple things like meeting her family.
That said, I had to screw it up. For most of the times, we were completed fine, but in some occasions, my fucked up mode shined.
It was all about this damn self hatred I have for myself. I saw myself as less than her, because she had a busier and cooler adolescence than me. I tried really hard to keep that retroactive jealousy for myself, but in some occasions I failed. I can remember of two specific occasions. The first time it happened was when we were traveling to another city and the second right after the first time we had sex. She gave me her virginity and I didn't comfort her, but rather question to myself if that even meant anything for her. I even asked if it was a big deal for her or something. In short, I was being a piece of shit.
I also two or three episodes of drinking too much and making her feel embarrassed in front of her or my friends. The first time I did it was in Halloween last year.

I remember doing my best to be better every day. Speaking like this, it seems like I was horrible, but that's only looking at the few bad things. I always strived to improve, give her presents (made or bought), take her out to different places (away from her fucked up family, specially at the end of last year), come up with surprises and be funny, loveable... However, some mistakes are impossible to erase. Suddenly, she changed. It was around March. We were actually in a pretty great period (I had translated some things so she could study better, we were seeing each other all the time). But the combination of college and this things she never forgave, made her colors go away. We broke up about a week before I came back to my college city.
It sucks, really. I had everything I always wanted and I lost it. It's demoralizing to know that she's hanging out with other guys. It's horrible to live knowing that I could have spent a great birthday with her, instead of kissing her best friend while drunk, for the sake of it.
I need to improve even further and stop loosing special things like her, but it's hard to do that depressed. I feel like loneliness is my fate.

Wow, that was a Bible. I may also write about some great stuff I did for her/we did together. Just to steam off.

 

[toseeyousmile]

So, I've been here for a few weeks and everyone here already knows how much of a crybaby I truly am. In the grand picture, I know that my problems are miniscule. However, they kill me inside.
I was thinking about it, though, and virtually all of them are direct consequences of my own actions. Perhaps not the childhood traumas (divorce in the family, mom who works too much, dad who's just as crazy as me)... All the other things, however... Yeah, those are on me. Life IS fair.
I lost my girlfriend because of my own shitty actions. Now, I wasn't a horrible boyfriend or anything. That said, some things are impossible to reverse, no matter how much you try to improve. If you're interested, I may go into details in this thread.
I'm studying something I hate because I was irresponsible as all hell. I simply didn't care and signed up for the first thing that came to mind. I didn't even bother checking where I would have to go to study (I wasn't ignorant, but stupid at 17).
I'm constantly driving others away, including my family. I'm clinically almost unable to enjoy good moments without thinking about my misery. I'm now developing a drinking issue and that's leading me to do some pretty stupid shit, like kissing my ex's best friend. I literally threw away the long friendship that we still had because I'm an asshole. She's never looking at my face ever again.

I'm such a looser/overall garbage person that nothing in life makes sense anymore. Even suicide. Who's even gonna care? It's meaningless to me now. Am I that desperate for attention? Fuck. I don't even have the strength to want to die.

Sorry for the vent thread number #2537262. I can't keep saying shit like this to everyone around me. Otherwise they'll all leave. You're the only ones who listen.

Me too. The things about friendships and school stuff happened to me as well, I just went with the flow and was so apathetic and unmotivated I got fucked up. And same with being the loser part, but one thing I've accepted is that while yes these unfortunate circumstances are as a result of my actions/inactions or my attitude in life but the sum of my experiences and my personality would only lead to this outcome. I believe that even if time could rewind, I don't think I would've been able to do anything differently because of how my life turned out. I don't know if that's a better way of thinking about it, maybe it's even worse but well, can you blame yourself too much? I wouldn't blame my hs self that I was depressed and gloomy and a loner knowing what happened because nobody else would understand you better than you.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so depressing and painful. I know that it is hard to carry on when everything seems so hopeless. I understand the feeling that life is so meaningless. I personally see no point to living at all. I wish you relief from suffering in whatever happens.