Even leaving my room and going out onto the street - full of beautiful, wonderful people... - is becoming too much for me...

[Sakura.]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

 

[difficvltmachineryy]

I feel the same...seeing other people being happy and carefree makes me feel even depressed

 

[itsgone2]

They understand life. They're normal. Regardless of their age or beauty I know what you mean. Just happily living life. I'm just sad about it now, being autistic or whatever, not getting a chance to just be normal. Live and enjoy a normal life.

 

[Dejected 55]

The more I'm around and interact with people, the worse I feel. So I very much get this.

 

[unluckysadness]

I agree with the comments. That's why I avoid people and it makes my isolation worse. Vicious circle...
When I sit on a bench - alone with my sad thoughts - I watch people having fun, with a partner or a loving family, they are just here in the present moment, no overthinking, just fun. And I think "wow, it must be insane to have a healthy normal brain and body, to do things, to love someone, to drive a car, ...
And I can't do anything normal, so it gives me more suicidal thoughts with my fucking sick brain. These days I'd like to have a gun to shoot this brain so it's over.

 

[Alreadylate]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

where do you live????????? You can come to live here in my town and you won't have this problem.

 

[Sakura.]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

I did it. I'll never be so bad in this regard that I can't leave my room if I need to.


But on that short walk between my room and the train station, I had to, of course, see two female friends in very casual outfits cuddling, a beautiful girl with natural blonde hair and bangs and makeup with her boyfriend, a beautiful girl with dyed blonde hair who was taking her last drag on an e-cigarette just as she entered the shopping mall, another beautiful girl with natural blonde hair and bangs and no makeup with her boyfriend, and a beautiful girl with dyed black hair and heavier makeup cuddling with her friends just before her train departed...

I can't even imagine how wonderful their lives must be... And yet, I'm a repulsive-looking autistic person whom no one wants to even look at, let alone have anything to do with... Let alone view him positively, want to talk to him, spend time with him, or be friends with him...


I wish my family hadn't been an obstacle to my suicide. Even in that moment I just described, despite all my feelings, I was happy that everything was settled, that everything regarding my suicide had been decided, that I would be able to commit it, and that it would all be over soon. But unfortunately, because of my family, it almost certainly won't be over for a very long time...

 

[Dejected 55]

It is true that most people aren't having as wonderful of lives as we might observe in short snippets of seeing them in the world... everyone, almost everyone, has problems they deal with that we never know about... but it's also true that seeing people out in the world who definitely have things we do not, well it just hurts. I don't wish bad things on others and I'm not specifically jealous and want the thing they have... but they have something or someone... and I have nothing and no one... and it just hurts all the more to see it.

It's like if you are homeless and hungry and you had to see everyone lining up for the buffet while they twirl their house keys in their hand and you can only sit there and imagine what that must be like. Even if those people have problems they have a house and food that you do not have. It's cruel to subject yourself to that.

 

[Another Path]

I suffer from strong social anxiety, and my fears center around how others judge me. This leads to isolation and fear of going outside similar to you.
Ragarding your experience, here are some thoughts:

Our perceptions are fundamentally flawed.
As Dejected 55 just said, we cannot see the burdens others carry around. Many people become incredibly good at masking their dark thoughts,
which often leads to the people around them being shocked when they ctb.
In cases like bipolar disorder, the affected can seem to have the absolute best time of their life, when they are just days or weeks away from ctb.

We also suffer from confirmation bias. When observations fit our narrative "Everyone is better off than me" we tend to overlook or disregard cases that oppose this.

Selection bias is another factor. People who are worse off or in an equally bad spot as us tend to avoid social interactions and isolate. This is now more true than ever!

It seems to me that the core of your issue is that others remind you of what you crave and seemingly cannot have, as well as a feeling of alienation and loneliness.
People like us are rare to meet due to the nature of our problems.

What sometimes helps me cope with my problems is the thought that others are happier than me. I'm glad not everyone suffers as much as I do.

Craving is one of the greatest causes of suffering for humanity. One could technically frame every suffering as a form of craving.
It is possible to let go of cravings. It might help to look up the 4 noble truths and the noble eightfold path.

Do you still believe in free will?
I found it freeing to understand that the concept itself makes no sense.

I wish you the best along your path whereever it lead! ^^

 

[TeaHealer]

Honestly, I was in your position once but I tried to fit in. It just made me corner myself more for not being me and consequently harmed others to the point of distancing themselves.

What made me push through was expanding my interests outside the box, outside the room. If you love yourself more than think of others - not as narcissistic, but someone who's aware of their issues and willing to break through the routine.
You could slowly get back to where you wanted.

I believe you can get through this dear. You just need a little faith on yourself to change.