Venting Even if you try, things always go down

[cc_]

Sometimes its not one reason that makes you feel life is terrible, it is due to several. After all, challanges in life result due to intersectionality. For me, it results from being ugly, lonely and unsocializable bum who is nothing but their grades.

My loneliness was consuming me and over the years I became much more slow towards social interactions. All those people out there preach that you just need to be the best version fo yourself, what holds back is you. And for so long I believed that only to be proven wrong. I used to get a lot of subtle mockery due to my looks and in group discussions would be left out. But this can solved right? New year, new me I promised.

I will try to get a glow up I thought. I developed a skin care routine but clear skin doesn't change an ugly bone structure and despite that, I would barely be seen as approachable by people. In my new educational institution, so many people came and complemented my friends' looks (I am happy for them), only to look at me judgementally and walk away. I should keep pushing myself right? I so badly wanted to socialize and network with people. I ended up going to a social event, only to Stutter there. But I can do better right? I tried convo techniques from YouTube - conversation hooks, cracking jokes, you name it but everyone was just so disinterested in conversing with me.

I felt so awkward and out of place that it was traumatising. And to add salt to injury, I saw my friends become instant buddies with those people. Where did I go wrong? I did not understand. I tried being more relatable, started keeping up with TV shows and what new my classmates talked about but I am always somewhere at the edge, ignored, forgotten. Heck even a very introverted friend of mine was able to befriend new people at my educational institution. I just felt so lonely after that. I thought I will change my life coming studying here but it is same old and a lot more lonely. For the first time in my life, I started feeling jealous of those around me. It hurts so bad when you try and nothing works out.

People just respect me for my grades but it is only taken at face value cuz it has not helped me befriend those I know. Secondly, I live in a place where security is not so good and parnlents mostly make their kids (irrespective of age) stay home. But all those years being locked up inside with a toxic fa.ily has just so brain rotted me, I wanted to get out and be free. So I recently started getting out. But the second time, I got out I had younger kids with me. I wanted to take them nearby to play but on my way we got lost. I tired my best to not panic and we headed back to the play area and get help.

By that time my family acrually came to find us but instead of asking me if I am fine, my father started cursing at me and threatened me. I understand it is my fault I got lost but don't you guys at fault too? As my parents, it is your job to teach me navigation and when I am still learning it, instead of providing help you just cuss at me and ban me from going outside. I feel so depressed. After I came home, my mom was like I need to make up for it and told me to go chores. Honestly, I never expect much from my family but at least can't you be nicer and consoling? Well, I just feel to depressed overall with life. I am chronically online, overthink and have regrets from past which I wished I had not done because I was having depression at the given time. I don't expect my life to get better how much I try. I don't have any motivation to continue doing what I want to do.

My grades started slipping and my exams are like less than a half month away, yet I feel weirdly calm. Like grades is the only thing I have but I don't give a shit if I do bad here. I am so sick and tired of everything. So tired of keeping it inside. So tired of being controlled. If I don't take good grades in these exams, my parents are saying they will take me out of my current education institution. I don't want to leave because it took me so long to make a few friends here. But they don't care. They don't care how I am doing. They refuse to take me to therapy and it feels so shit cuz they think I should just snap out of all this depression. But I am just like Idc, I have been struggling with depression for a long time. I am also a closeted person and my parents would be ashamed if I come out.

Apart from feeling the final pain, nothing scares me and I am thinking of maybe ending it cuz how much I try I keep coming back in a cycle of hope and misery. I wish I was born in a better place with better looks and overall upbringing so I would have been confident as a person I wanted to be and be able talking to others rather than being a socially constipated.

 

[narayana0121]

Wow, I relate to so many of the things that you said.
I was also not the most attractive person growing up. I remember this one time on a school trip to a park this girl from another school came over to my small group of friends, and asked one of them out. When he said no, she went to the next person and the next person. Yeah, I know she was probably dared to do this by her friends, but alas I was still left out. Situations like these are so defeating, when everyone else just clicks with each other almost like magic, and just become friends so easily. Its like everyone on this planet except me is in on some massive inside joke on making friends that I just have no idea about. Is is that I smell bad like in that one Spongebob episode where he thinks its because of his looks but actually he just needs to brush his teeth? Or is it just some repulsive vibe that I give off that everyone can just detect, that I'm too mentally ill to pick up on?

Now that I think about it, home life probably has a lot to do with how we form our relationships. I also didn't grow up in the most stable household. Until high school, my parent were still married somehow. My mother and father conflicted all the time, whether it was my dad full on throwing shit across the house, or just them not talking for extended periods of time, resulting in me having to do to communications between them. I guess I was never socialized correctly as a kid, and maybe this is why people like us are the way we are. I suppose we are just a combination of our parents after all, both physically (genetics) and mentally. A lot of my tendencies that I have I realize are not too different from my parents, I'm really cynical like my mother, I'm also suspicious of people doing things for me which is something my father does.

As a result, while I was in high school, I was in a cycle of rotting at home doing homework, not leaving my room or bed, and then going to school the next morning to rot some more there. There were days where a single word wouldn't come out of my mouth. My one singular friend that I had at that time took different classes than me. I was the "quiet kid", and people would exclaim how "incredible it was that I knew how to speak" whenever I decided to say anything in class, which only further made me sink into solitude to avoid this overwhelming attention.

And now, here we are. We are just a cumulative mathematical average of everything we have experienced in our lives. I have tried, to break out of my cycles of depression, but I feel like I'm personally never gonna be where I want. I wish I had a happy home life. I wish I socialized with everyone else growing up so I wasnt so far behind my peers.

I saw that you posted quite a while ago and didn't want to leave you hanging ignored, so sorry if this ramble is a bit too long. Your story is very touching to me, growing up in an indian household, grades were also a mega priority above anything else, be it sports or socialization or mental health lol. Sending love

 

[cc_]

Wow, I relate to so many of the things that you said.
I was also not the most attractive person growing up. I remember this one time on a school trip to a park this girl from another school came over to my small group of friends, and asked one of them out. When he said no, she went to the next person and the next person. Yeah, I know she was probably dared to do this by her friends, but alas I was still left out. Situations like these are so defeating, when everyone else just clicks with each other almost like magic, and just become friends so easily. Its like everyone on this planet except me is in on some massive inside joke on making friends that I just have no idea about. Is is that I smell bad like in that one Spongebob episode where he thinks its because of his looks but actually he just needs to brush his teeth? Or is it just some repulsive vibe that I give off that everyone can just detect, that I'm too mentally ill to pick up on?

Now that I think about it, home life probably has a lot to do with how we form our relationships. I also didn't grow up in the most stable household. Until high school, my parent were still married somehow. My mother and father conflicted all the time, whether it was my dad full on throwing shit across the house, or just them not talking for extended periods of time, resulting in me having to do to communications between them. I guess I was never socialized correctly as a kid, and maybe this is why people like us are the way we are. I suppose we are just a combination of our parents after all, both physically (genetics) and mentally. A lot of my tendencies that I have I realize are not too different from my parents, I'm really cynical like my mother, I'm also suspicious of people doing things for me which is something my father does.

As a result, while I was in high school, I was in a cycle of rotting at home doing homework, not leaving my room or bed, and then going to school the next morning to rot some more there. There were days where a single word wouldn't come out of my mouth. My one singular friend that I had at that time took different classes than me. I was the "quiet kid", and people would exclaim how "incredible it was that I knew how to speak" whenever I decided to say anything in class, which only further made me sink into solitude to avoid this overwhelming attention.

And now, here we are. We are just a cumulative mathematical average of everything we have experienced in our lives. I have tried, to break out of my cycles of depression, but I feel like I'm personally never gonna be where I want. I wish I had a happy home life. I wish I socialized with everyone else growing up so I wasnt so far behind my peers.

I saw that you posted quite a while ago and didn't want to leave you hanging ignored, so sorry if this ramble is a bit too long. Your story is very touching to me, growing up in an indian household, grades were also a mega priority above anything else, be it sports or socialization or mental health lol. Sending love

Hi, thanks for making through my long post. Yeah, it sucks to grow up like this and wonder it was you who went wrong or its just your environment. And you are left to figure out and stay strong on your own