Discussion even if it got better, id still choose to CTB

[h4ppyhypoxia]

after living with suicidal ideation for years, ive discovered that its not as much of a product of mental illness as I initially thought it was, im not going to lie and say its completely independent of it, but i just think i have a rational rejection of existence, even if i were healthy, id probably still choose to CTB

there is no magic button that I can press to make me mentally healthy, ive got to put years of hard work into therapy and medication, it might make me sound lazy, but its more that its deeply unfair, im going to have to strive every day to attempt to reach a level of mental stability that still isnt on the same level as healthy people, it looks like the most realistic prognosis for me is "tolerable life with some good moments" which isnt what i want at all, one of my mental health conditions is anorexia, realistically I already know my lifespan has been cut short by this, it feels like im going to work very hard to treat my mental illness, and then as soon as i get some peace, the physical health complications are going to kick in, and ill be miserable again, also this world just doesnt feel like recovering for, why put years of effort in for this?

even if there were said magic button, life jsut doesnt seem worth it, the risks outweigh the rewards, its simply draining, you have to work very hard just to survive comfortably, and youre guaranteed to watch the ones you love die, ik this might sound edgy, but ive always thought that most people would choose to never have been born if they were given the option, life isnt all meaningless, there are some parts that i enjoy, but those do not counteract all the bad parts of it that we are forced to endure, it seems like most people i know are just getting through the days and surviving rather than living

 

[StupidGirl001]

it seems like most people i know are just getting through the days and surviving rather than living

So true. It's because it's impossible to be optimist in this ugly world.

I get you. I feel the same about cbt. Sometimes I feel slightly happier, but I already know it will never be enough for me to change my mind

 

[124afun15]

You probably just have inefficient brain chemistry. You lack the nutrients to synthesize hormones and neurotransmitters.

Alot of people who seek suicide are just victims of things they aren't even aware of.

They'll whine about trauma and whatever when they have nuked hormone levels and the most desensitized receptors ever.

They won't even realize it isn't the trauma or anything they blame it on.

 

[kirillbledny]

after living with suicidal ideation for years, ive discovered that its not as much of a product of mental illness as I initially thought it was, im not going to lie and say its completely independent of it, but i just think i have a rational rejection of existence, even if i were healthy, id probably still choose to CTB

there is no magic button that I can press to make me mentally healthy, ive got to put years of hard work into therapy and medication, it might make me sound lazy, but its more that its deeply unfair, im going to have to strive every day to attempt to reach a level of mental stability that still isnt on the same level as healthy people, it looks like the most realistic prognosis for me is "tolerable life with some good moments" which isnt what i want at all...

I completely understand this. People say go to therapy, take meds, whatever it might be... But when I don't want the best outcome there is (stable job, my own place, maybe a relationship), then what's the point in trying? I feel like very few people in my life understand it, because few reach such a point where everything in life is exhausting.

Even something people love, like a vacation, just sounds horrible to me: pack things, get to the airport/location you'll stay at, unpack things, be there for a few days, then pack everything back up and go home, unpack everything and do laundry... Maybe I'm just too pessimistic for this world, idk.

Even in a scenario where I had everything (infinite money, weed, perfect place to stay at etc), I'd enjoy it for 1-2 years but then still ctb.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

You probably just have inefficient brain chemistry. You lack the nutrients to synthesize hormones and neurotransmitters.

Alot of people who seek suicide are just victims of things they aren't even aware of.

They'll whine about trauma and whatever when they have nuked hormone levels and the most desensitized receptors ever.

They won't even realize it isn't the trauma or anything they blame it on.

this is very true i absolutely lack nutrients for my body to sustain itself properly and my brain is impacted by starvation, it sounds stupid, but thats why i do this, my brain has less energy to feel, when i eat normal amounts of food for a sustained time period (ive tried) i emotionally feel a lot worse, my moods are up and down constantly, im more paranoid and anxious etc, me and food dont mix well for whatever reason, ive noticed i feel emotionally better when i do omad (one meal a day)

 

[ctb_warrior]

after living with suicidal ideation for years, ive discovered that its not as much of a product of mental illness as I initially thought it was, im not going to lie and say its completely independent of it, but i just think i have a rational rejection of existence, even if i were healthy, id probably still choose to CTB

there is no magic button that I can press to make me mentally healthy, ive got to put years of hard work into therapy and medication, it might make me sound lazy, but its more that its deeply unfair, im going to have to strive every day to attempt to reach a level of mental stability that still isnt on the same level as healthy people, it looks like the most realistic prognosis for me is "tolerable life with some good moments" which isnt what i want at all, one of my mental health conditions is anorexia, realistically I already know my lifespan has been cut short by this, it feels like im going to work very hard to treat my mental illness, and then as soon as i get some peace, the physical health complications are going to kick in, and ill be miserable again, also this world just doesnt feel like recovering for, why put years of effort in for this?

even if there were said magic button, life jsut doesnt seem worth it, the risks outweigh the rewards, its simply draining, you have to work very hard just to survive comfortably, and youre guaranteed to watch the ones you love die, ik this might sound edgy, but ive always thought that most people would choose to never have been born if they were given the option, life isnt all meaningless, there are some parts that i enjoy, but those do not counteract all the bad parts of it that we are forced to endure, it seems like most people i know are just getting through the days and surviving rather than living

Me too.. it's my conscious decision to CTB rather than a mental illness that makes me think of CTB. That's why the lithium being given to me for suicidal thoughts, it never worked

 

[pk@2001]

We all are going through these same feelings, Specially when someone is having suicidal ideation for years, it's like a deep well where you keep going in and you're mentally disconnected from your own existence and feels as if we are living in a curse.
And in these situations it's doesn't even feel worth the effort to bring your sense back to this cruel existence .

 

[StarsAbove]

We all are going through these same feelings, Specially when someone is having suicidal ideation for years, it's like a deep well where you keep going in and you're mentally disconnected from your own existence and feels as if we are living in a curse.
And in these situations it's doesn't even feel worth the effort to bring your sense back to this cruel existence .

It seems like you are doing the best you can in this place. Existence is just hard and some of us more tired than others. I keep feeling like ctb is my destiny, but I just have a hard time justifying it until I am severely depressed again but I am just moderate depressed now. I get that though, it takes a lot of effort to get back to neutral and neutral doesnt feel worth it.