Even being on this website feels so pointless.

[FuneralCry]

This is just another boring post. It seems like at this point, nothing could ever make me feel better. Nearly everything just causes me to suffer more in some way. Life itself is the problem and simply being alive is enough to make me want to die. Being on here reminds me of my inability to ctb. For many reasons ctb is very difficult for me and everyday I feel so trapped in this world. I have so much envy for those who are gone, to cease to exist is all that I want, as death is the end to all thoughts and feelings, there is simply nothing. Reading about methods just reminds me of what I cannot have, it reminds me that even know death will come eventually, it could be a long way away. Decades of suffering might as well be an eternity.

Posting about my suffering could never help me or change anything but yet I still do it. I do not know why I feel a need to write such uninteresting threads like this. I wish that just typing the words would make death come sooner, but it doesn't. Words are all so empty and meaningless. The fact that I have written about my suffering so many times is depressing but yet I continue to do it. I hate how I feel a need to do it. There is no point. Life will always be incredibly pointless and meaningless for me and just writing it makes me even more aware of the fact.

It is tiring trying to pass the time each day, unable to find any relief or comfort in anything. It seems like most things I do just make me feel worse and it feels so pointless spending time on here, but this is how I feel about most things. Everything in life is very pointless, all humans do is just pass the time until they die. I look forward to the day where I can eventually be at peace. Nothingness is where I belong.

 

[Un-]

This feeling gets worse when you realise that you're no better off in another place. Everything brings about the same suffering. You can't take solace in suicide, because for whatever reason, you can't do it. You can't find closure in sleep because you know you'll have to wake up again. This feeling where.. you could be blessed with everything in the world, or stripped from everything you own, and it would stir no difference in you than staring at a beige wall. Eventually, you stop doing: you stop thinking, you stop your daily rituals, you stop watching the time pass by and you simply exist in suffering. @FuneralCry, this is life in it's nakedness: pure suffering. There's no other solution other than death.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I know many people find your threads and comments comforting, I do as well. I'm sorry you're stuck in an existence that only drags you down and causes pain. You said you wish typing would make your death come sooner, in a way it does. We're all just passing the time and every second brings us closer to our death, but unless we set a date and act on it then there's no way to know how close or far off our "natural" date would be. I'm sorry that even posting/typing can't bring you reprieve. I'm not sure your circumstances and why methods are unattainable to you but I know the frustration as in high school I didn't have much freedom so could only torture myself trying things that were probably all destined to fail thus extending my miserable existence. I wish we could all have a truly peaceful option as well after how much we have suffered as you often write. I don't see that happening so I am going to try to push through with what I have. It doesn't feel fair though that after everything I cannot even feel safe or at peace now. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Sometimes it's better to post it in a place where people can relate, even if it doesn't seem like it helps. At least here (almost) no one will judge you. For me, this is a coping mechanism I will accept, until I am ready to CTB. I like everyone here so far. I don't know what else to say, but for what it is worth, I appreciate it when you tell others that you hope they find peace in whatever they do.

You are right, though. For some people, life is about suffering. It sucks being dealt that hand.

 

[its-about-time]

It feels like procrastinating. I feel similarly. Impatient to do it, but continuously putting it off. It feels awful. Hugs to you.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you feel that way and I hope you find peace if and when that time comes.

This site gives me a sense of community and family,. So it surely helps when my sick mind starts to turn on me. I realize though that everyone is different.

Thoughts and prayers to you -

 

[juraviel]

i want to tell you something and it may sound harsh but i don't mean it to.

you're the most active member of this site. i'm pretty sure there isn't anybody else who wrote 10 000 messages in 2 years. if you took a random happy person and made them read depressing shit all day long they would become depressed too. it is impossible that it wouldn't happen. you have a pattern of behaviour. a good behavioral specialist can help you break that. now i don't know anything about you or your life other than the fact that you are very young and very active here. i know that if you were to become super happy right now for some reason it still wouldn't solve any of the real problems that i'm sure you have. BUT. coping would be easier. i'm a firm believer that everyone has the ability to make their life bearable regardless of circumstance. this isn't to say you should or shouldn't ctb, i have no clue or right to tell you that. i just know spending a lot of time on here will not make things better, it just can't. if there's any hope in you left for recovery you must get off here. find someone who will help you break this pattern because that's what it is. it's easy to change a pattern it's nearly impossible to change your identity (of a suicidal person).

 

[locked*n*loaded]

i want to tell you something and it may sound harsh but i don't mean it to.

you're the most active member of this site. i'm pretty sure there isn't anybody else who wrote 10 000 messages in 2 years. if you took a random happy person and made them read depressing shit all day long they would become depressed too. it is impossible that it wouldn't happen. you have a pattern of behaviour. a good behavioral specialist can help you break that. now i don't know anything about you or your life other than the fact that you are very young and very active here. i know that if you were to become super happy right now for some reason it still wouldn't solve any of the real problems that i'm sure you have. BUT. coping would be easier. i'm a firm believer that everyone has the ability to make their life bearable regardless of circumstance. this isn't to say you should or shouldn't ctb, i have no clue or right to tell you that. i just know spending a lot of time on here will not make things better, it just can't. if there's any hope in you left for recovery you must get off here. find someone who will help you break this pattern because that's what it is. it's easy to change a pattern it's nearly impossible to change your identity (of a suicidal person).

So, a behavior specialist can "fix" all of us on this site so that we might be able to "cope" easier? Does that include you, too? I agree that spending a lot of time on SS, and reading post after post of despair and hopelessness can certainly add to ones depression. But, it ain't the cause of anyone's depression. I don't know of all FuneralCry's reasons for being here or where her depression is rooted. Spending time on here will not make things better. You do understand that there are many on here with debilitating and painful conditions that places limits on their lives, leading to despair, hopelessness, and depression? Will a behavior specialist fix their problems? I think it is more an escape mechanism for many, to pass some time, to remove themselves from their thoughts for a while. Some "helpers" would require that many of us take some kind of "feel-good" medication to solve our "life" problems. Is that recommended, too?

 

[Al Cappella]

i want to tell you something and it may sound harsh but i don't mean it to.

you're the most active member of this site. i'm pretty sure there isn't anybody else who wrote 10 000 messages in 2 years. if you took a random happy person and made them read depressing shit all day long they would become depressed too. it is impossible that it wouldn't happen. you have a pattern of behaviour. a good behavioral specialist can help you break that. now i don't know anything about you or your life other than the fact that you are very young and very active here. i know that if you were to become super happy right now for some reason it still wouldn't solve any of the real problems that i'm sure you have. BUT. coping would be easier. i'm a firm believer that everyone has the ability to make their life bearable regardless of circumstance. this isn't to say you should or shouldn't ctb, i have no clue or right to tell you that. i just know spending a lot of time on here will not make things better, it just can't. if there's any hope in you left for recovery you must get off here. find someone who will help you break this pattern because that's what it is. it's easy to change a pattern it's nearly impossible to change your identity (of a suicidal person).

I totally agree. If you can improve your outlook, then coping with whatever ails becomes a lot more feasible. That's not saying anyone has to do anything, people can do whatever they please, including feeling miserable. But a fact remains that the majority of suffering occurs in the mind, and can be changed. I'm not saying cured, not saying all shall be well, but it can be improved.

 

[Niko66]

If I can be honest with you, I always read your comments and they never fail to make me feel... A bit sad I guess. I cannot say if you are the most miserable person on the site or the one with the most difficult life, I don't know you, your story or how it feels to be you, but your posts are unequivocally very down and I understand, when our minds are drowned in suffering then all we can see is darkness. I am there sometimes too, most of the time really but even I get some glimmers of hope and joy every now and then between all the pain. And like someone else also said imo very accurately. This site reinforces that, to some degree venting is healthy but at some point in your life, due to your suffering your mind seems to have convinced itself completely that there's nothing but suffering to it. And I am no one to say it isn't true for you. It might very well be. But the mind is a very powerful thing that can heighten whatever is going on our lives and yours seems so so deep into this hole of misery and I am just really sorry you are there because I know there are no easy answers, no easy exits, no easy way to find relief or change how you feel and I have to agree with the person saying that being here so much and focusing on this so much is inevitably going to make the reality that has been built around you even stronger and reinforced.

But if we were friends, while I would never want to invalidate your truth, I would deeply wish and hope that just maybe attempt to let in the idea that the world is on fact not all suffering. That there's at least an infinitely small chance for relief and better feelings, and I wouldn't tell you that you have to live your life waiting for that tiny chance, your life and your death should be your choice like everyone deserves. But God (not that I believe) do I wish you could for once in your life receive a modicum of goodness, because you don't deserve to be so miserable and while it's the reality you have to face. There actually is goodness in the world, scarce as it might be.

I don't normally care emotionally for someone I don't know and I am not saying my heart breaks writing this, but it just gets to me a tiny imagining how the person behind hundreds of messages saying little more than how life is suffering must feel.

There is goodness, we aren't lucky enough to live one full of it. We are the opposite of that spectrum, but there is... And I wish, even if it doesn't change anything about your desire to die, because frankly that's not my intent in the least, I wish that you could feel a bit of that goodness and beauty of life. Because even between all the horrible painful things, in the darkest depths even sometimes there are glimmers of light. And your soul in so much pain is perhaps ironically quite beautiful, your torment, your words sound like that of a sensitive and kind soul and inside all that despair, that's what I see. The glimmer of a beautiful soul who's been dragged down by this cruel world.

 

[outrider567]

I don't feel this website is pointless at all--I usually come here when I'm at my lowest(like now because I just unexpectedly found Patti's walker and crutches so I immediately lost it, an instant 9.5 for me)but when I come here I get support and empathy from all my fellow sufferers--This site has helped me keep my sanity

 

[High on Disco]

Some people find satisfaction in having virtual "status." You post a lot, so people get to know you, and in that way, you feel a little less lonely. Thing is, there are days when you don't feel like your presence is appreciated or helpful enough and you start questioning your own worth and why you're even here.

 

[Zzzzz]

It is discouraging when nothing changes and suffering/unhappiness continues despite best efforts to change it.I've been here for a long time, I feel as time passes a person often becomes more willing to overcome the survival instinct. There's only so much a person can take.

 

[motel rooms]

So, a behavior specialist can "fix" all of us on this site so that we might be able to "cope" easier?

It's so fucking annoying when people make others explain themselves on here. FuneralCry has autism & suffers from tinnitus.

"I have tinnitus and visual snow. The tinnitus was really bad last year. Noise makes it worse. I generally just feel ill a lot of the time as well and at the moment I am struggling with eating."

 

[Sunset Limited]

That is what I feel.

 

[motel rooms]

Some people find satisfaction in having virtual "status." You post a lot, so people get to know you, and in that way, you feel a little less lonely. Thing is, there are days when you don't feel like your presence is appreciated or helpful enough and you start questioning your own worth and why you're even here.

You have no idea who FuneralCry is, you joined SS 3 days ago...

 

[quix77]

You have no idea who FuneralCry is, you joined SS 3 days ago...

The internet is always full of shrinks who can instantly diagnose you and fix all your problems

 

[FogFilledLife]

This is just another boring post. It seems like at this point, nothing could ever make me feel better. Nearly everything just causes me to suffer more in some way. Life itself is the problem and simply being alive is enough to make me want to die. Being on here reminds me of my inability to ctb. For many reasons ctb is very difficult for me and everyday I feel so trapped in this world. I have so much envy for those who are gone, to cease to exist is all that I want, as death is the end to all thoughts and feelings, there is simply nothing. Reading about methods just reminds me of what I cannot have, it reminds me that even know death will come eventually, it could be a long way away. Decades of suffering might as well be an eternity.

Posting about my suffering could never help me or change anything but yet I still do it. I do not know why I feel a need to write such uninteresting threads like this. I wish that just typing the words would make death come sooner, but it doesn't. Words are all so empty and meaningless. The fact that I have written about my suffering so many times is depressing but yet I continue to do it. I hate how I feel a need to do it. There is no point. Life will always be incredibly pointless and meaningless for me and just writing it makes me even more aware of the fact.

It is tiring trying to pass the time each day, unable to find any relief or comfort in anything. It seems like most things I do just make me feel worse and it feels so pointless spending time on here, but this is how I feel about most things. Everything in life is very pointless, all humans do is just pass the time until they die. I look forward to the day where I can eventually be at peace. Nothingness is where I belong.

I only come on here to talk to other like minded people, not seek help. Nobody here can help you if they can't help themselves.

Instead I mostly get reactions I don't even bother to look at.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is just another boring post. It seems like at this point, nothing could ever make me feel better. Nearly everything just causes me to suffer more in some way. Life itself is the problem and simply being alive is enough to make me want to die. Being on here reminds me of my inability to ctb. For many reasons ctb is very difficult for me and everyday I feel so trapped in this world. I have so much envy for those who are gone, to cease to exist is all that I want, as death is the end to all thoughts and feelings, there is simply nothing. Reading about methods just reminds me of what I cannot have, it reminds me that even know death will come eventually, it could be a long way away. Decades of suffering might as well be an eternity.

Posting about my suffering could never help me or change anything but yet I still do it. I do not know why I feel a need to write such uninteresting threads like this. I wish that just typing the words would make death come sooner, but it doesn't. Words are all so empty and meaningless. The fact that I have written about my suffering so many times is depressing but yet I continue to do it. I hate how I feel a need to do it. There is no point. Life will always be incredibly pointless and meaningless for me and just writing it makes me even more aware of the fact.

It is tiring trying to pass the time each day, unable to find any relief or comfort in anything. It seems like most things I do just make me feel worse and it feels so pointless spending time on here, but this is how I feel about most things. Everything in life is very pointless, all humans do is just pass the time until they die. I look forward to the day where I can eventually be at peace. Nothingness is where I belong.

I'm so sorry you are in this terribly dark place. I don't know that anything I can say or suggest will help but I do want to try. I've read many of your posts and you sound like a very compassionate person who feels the pain of everyone as intensely as your own.

I appreciate that you may not even want to recover- and I get that. I think it's so very difficult mentally and if there are physical ailments to deal with too, I appreciate that it may not be something that can be made better.

Still, I wanted to put my two penneth in... You've said that even posting on this site feels worthless. I would say that your thoughtful, compassionate and I'm certain- heartfelt words have comforted people at some of the most intensely difficult and lonely periods in their lives. While it may not feel like it and may not help you- you have made a positive difference to other people's lives.

When you think about it, only a very small number of people actually make any big difference to the world- probably even less of us make a hugely positive difference- we seem bent on self preservation or total anhilation- the latter I would say might be more beneficial to the planet. The majority of us just pass through.

I can understand your hesitation with ctb- I feel the same. I guess the way I see it is- if I can't kill myself right now, how best can I kill my time? Is there any activity you can loose yourself in to distract yourself away from your thoughts? I've always used Art as my life's crutch. Is there anything you can do to preoccupy yourself that you either enjoy or find meaning in? Preferably both!

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to find some rest bite from your sadness.

 

[freedompass]

@FuneralCry your posts evoke a lot of emotions in me. Compassion, concern, empathy, but also frustration. The thought is: 'You are too young to live like this, to let life defeat you before you've even really begun.' I almost have the impression that you are a ghost, an unquiet earthbound spirit haunting the site haha (I know it's not really funny, I just can't help laughing). It seems wrong, so wrong, I want to reach out and make contact somehow, but it seems like you are not looking for that and I don't even know if you read these responses.

Anyone who wants to tell me I'm wrong to find it wrong don't bother, I'm not telling Funeral Cry what to do just saying that her posts affect me (we are in the same country) and I wish I could help.

 

[alexlondon365]

and if the only purpose served is for people to make an informed decision on what ctb really means and what pros/cons there are for each method, then that's already something

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm so sorry you are in this terribly dark place. I don't know that anything I can say or suggest will help but I do want to try. I've read many of your posts and you sound like a very compassionate person who feels the pain of everyone as intensely as your own.

I appreciate that you may not even want to recover- and I get that. I think it's so very difficult mentally and if there are physical ailments to deal with too, I appreciate that it may not be something that can be made better.

Still, I wanted to put my two penneth in... You've said that even posting on this site feels worthless. I would say that your thoughtful, compassionate and I'm certain- heartfelt words have comforted people at some of the most intensely difficult and lonely periods in their lives. While it may not feel like it and may not help you- you have made a positive difference to other people's lives.

When you think about it, only a very small number of people actually make any big difference to the world- probably even less of us make a hugely positive difference- we seem bent on self preservation or total anhilation- the latter I would say might be more beneficial to the planet. The majority of us just pass through.

I can understand your hesitation with ctb- I feel the same. I guess the way I see it is- if I can't kill myself right now, how best can I kill my time? Is there any activity you can loose yourself in to distract yourself away from your thoughts? I've always used Art as my life's crutch. Is there anything you can do to preoccupy yourself that you either enjoy or find meaning in? Preferably both!

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to find some rest bite from your sadness.

I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep everyday, I cannot enjoy anything, there is nothing that really makes me feel better. Life is only suffering after all and I want nothing to do with this life. I simply do not have any interest in living, everything is tiring and I see it as all being very pointless. Thank you for being so kind though and I wish you the best.

 

[ornitier199]

You're I need just delete this now so it can stop potentially getting in the way of my impulsive suicidal action. i dont need any more time to spare i need to just do it already. seeing how kidding myself is only making things worse i say that cause i can see right front of my eyes here!

 

[FuneralCry]

I still feel the same way as in the original post, this website does not help me in any way or makes me feel better, if euthanasia was legalised then this website would not even need to exist, I would not be here anymore, I would be gone. The problem is that we live in an anti choice society which tries to force us to live, in a world with so much suffering suicide should be easier. Non existence will always be preferable to any kind of life. I cannot stand anything anti choice, there have even been anti choice people on this website. I am tired of this life and typing about it yet again feels pointless.

 

[ornitier199]

Its just filler content while I sit here and let SH slowly kill me in the meantime.
Never felt this much agony before I'm not strong enough to handle it

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep everyday, I cannot enjoy anything, there is nothing that really makes me feel better. Life is only suffering after all and I want nothing to do with this life. I simply do not have any interest in living, everything is tiring and I see it as all being very pointless. Thank you for being so kind though and I wish you the best.

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad. I don't really know what else to say other than I hope you are able to find peace one day.

 

[Cryptonite]

This is just another boring post. It seems like at this point, nothing could ever make me feel better. Nearly everything just causes me to suffer more in some way. Life itself is the problem and simply being alive is enough to make me want to die. Being on here reminds me of my inability to ctb. For many reasons ctb is very difficult for me and everyday I feel so trapped in this world. I have so much envy for those who are gone, to cease to exist is all that I want, as death is the end to all thoughts and feelings, there is simply nothing. Reading about methods just reminds me of what I cannot have, it reminds me that even know death will come eventually, it could be a long way away. Decades of suffering might as well be an eternity.

Posting about my suffering could never help me or change anything but yet I still do it. I do not know why I feel a need to write such uninteresting threads like this. I wish that just typing the words would make death come sooner, but it doesn't. Words are all so empty and meaningless. The fact that I have written about my suffering so many times is depressing but yet I continue to do it. I hate how I feel a need to do it. There is no point. Life will always be incredibly pointless and meaningless for me and just writing it makes me even more aware of the fact.

It is tiring trying to pass the time each day, unable to find any relief or comfort in anything. It seems like most things I do just make me feel worse and it feels so pointless spending time on here, but this is how I feel about most things. Everything in life is very pointless, all humans do is just pass the time until they die. I look forward to the day where I can eventually be at peace. Nothingness is where I belong.

Please, is there any way to work on your SI? How about some psychedelics, such as psilocybin or DMT? You really shouldn't make yourself suffer for decades, that should out of question! You need to be strong, brave and persistent, you cannot just give up like that

 

[FuneralCry]

Please, is there any way to work on your SI? How about some psychedelics, such as psilocybin or DMT? You really shouldn't make yourself suffer for decades, that should out of question! You need to be strong, brave and persistent, you cannot just give up like that

I do not really think that the SI is the main thing that holds me back, it is more the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failing the method. Ctb is very difficult for me personally. I think that if ctb was easier I would already be gone and maybe in the future I will likely get desperate enough to find a way to leave. I am not reaching old age though, no matter what.

 

[Cryptonite]

I do not really think that the SI is the main thing that holds me back, it is more the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failing the method. Ctb is very difficult for me personally. I think that if ctb was easier I would already be gone and maybe in the future I will likely get desperate enough to find a way to leave. I am not reaching old age though, no matter what.

Not even N or SN?

 

[FuneralCry]

Not even N or SN?

No. I think that if I had N I would be long gone. I have very limited access to ctb methods, and it is just the way that things are. At least my suffering will end one day eventually no matter what, I am hoping that soon I will fall asleep and never wake up (this is unlikely though)