Hi all,
I'll try to make this short, hoping someone can relate or has some advice.
I have been depressed since last August (I have bipolar disorder and this is one of the longer lows I frequently have) and I attempted to ctb several times in the last few months. I have applied for euthanasia and my first appointment with the psychiatrist will be in May. It feels scarier than to just killing myself, but I want to explore this path. In my country you need 3 doctors to examine you before they give you the green light. I'm not sure how long it could take, but in some cases it takes only 6 months.
because of my depression and my suicidal plans I usually keep my calendar as empty as possible. Setting a date didn't seem to work for me, but having enough time to ctb without being found helps me a lot. I only make plans for the next 2-3 days and I always hope to never make it to the 4th. That day doesn't even exist for me.
Flash forward to today. My day was quite OK. I did some creative stuff and though it felt like climbing a mountain, it was fine. I haven't had that in months, so it was quite nice. Then a friend of mine asked me to take care of their dogs next week. Every cell in my body screamed that I didn't want to make such a commitment. What if I kill myself before? What if I kill myself during their vacation? I don't want to feel guilty about their dogs. I also didn't want to say no, because suddenly next week EXISTED in my mind. I'm a bit confused as to what happened. I don't want to live until next week, and it freaks me out to be obligated to live that long. Should I say no?
This also links to my wish for euthanasia and a fear I wanted to share on this forum for a while now . I know this depression will switch to a hypomania at one point and I also know that during such periods I don't want to die (the thoughts are there, but they are just thoughts). The reason I applied for euthsnasia is that I want this depression to be my last because I don't want to fight anymore. I know the doctors will take this into consideration and it will not be a problem for the approval and even depressed people have less depressed days, but it scares me a lot. Are there any members who have applied for euthanasia and are willing to share their experiences? I do have some mental health support from 3 psychologists who are helping and supporting my decisions, but neither of them want to actually apply for euthanasia and it feels a bit lonely
Sorry for the long read!
I'll try to make this short, hoping someone can relate or has some advice.
I have been depressed since last August (I have bipolar disorder and this is one of the longer lows I frequently have) and I attempted to ctb several times in the last few months. I have applied for euthanasia and my first appointment with the psychiatrist will be in May. It feels scarier than to just killing myself, but I want to explore this path. In my country you need 3 doctors to examine you before they give you the green light. I'm not sure how long it could take, but in some cases it takes only 6 months.
because of my depression and my suicidal plans I usually keep my calendar as empty as possible. Setting a date didn't seem to work for me, but having enough time to ctb without being found helps me a lot. I only make plans for the next 2-3 days and I always hope to never make it to the 4th. That day doesn't even exist for me.
Flash forward to today. My day was quite OK. I did some creative stuff and though it felt like climbing a mountain, it was fine. I haven't had that in months, so it was quite nice. Then a friend of mine asked me to take care of their dogs next week. Every cell in my body screamed that I didn't want to make such a commitment. What if I kill myself before? What if I kill myself during their vacation? I don't want to feel guilty about their dogs. I also didn't want to say no, because suddenly next week EXISTED in my mind. I'm a bit confused as to what happened. I don't want to live until next week, and it freaks me out to be obligated to live that long. Should I say no?
This also links to my wish for euthanasia and a fear I wanted to share on this forum for a while now . I know this depression will switch to a hypomania at one point and I also know that during such periods I don't want to die (the thoughts are there, but they are just thoughts). The reason I applied for euthsnasia is that I want this depression to be my last because I don't want to fight anymore. I know the doctors will take this into consideration and it will not be a problem for the approval and even depressed people have less depressed days, but it scares me a lot. Are there any members who have applied for euthanasia and are willing to share their experiences? I do have some mental health support from 3 psychologists who are helping and supporting my decisions, but neither of them want to actually apply for euthanasia and it feels a bit lonely
Sorry for the long read!
