Venting Escaped the psych ward (succesful this time!)

[loveable_lamb]

Hey, I'll try to continue posting everyday for as long as I don't ctb. Full background story in this thread.

I talked to the psychiatrist of the ward this morning after yesterday's escape. It was so difficult tryna convince her. She even literally said: "don't you just wanna go home to end it all?" Eventually we came to an agreement that I could go home provided that I allow a mobile crisis team (idk is this just a welfare check in English?) to come see me multiple times a week. Well fuck. But I had no other choice.

I'm back at my dorm now, expecting a call from the crisis team. I cleaned and got some groceries. Not because I wanna eat them, but I'll just have to come across as if I have plans to live a future and regular humans need food for that. It's quite cumbersome to have to lie to another army of caregivers.

My plan to ctb is to OD on H. Big problem is that my dealer stopped responding, so now I'll have to find another one and I'm just so tiredddddd.

Emotionally I've been a little confused today. I was very sure that I wanted to die when I was in the psych ward. I constantly thought about my death, preparing it, even dreaming about it at night. When those doors opened and I was free, thus able to ctb, I got a little scared. I still think death will be the most peaceful choice. I have no plans to live past mid-February. But now the mental images of myself dying frighten me so much. I think it's most likely a fear of the unknown. Hopefully this feeling will pass.

Talk to you soon!

 

[Loaf of bread]

Eventually we came to an agreement that I could go home provided that I allow a mobile crisis team (idk is this just a welfare check in English?) to come see me multiple times a week. Well fuck. But I had no other choice.

It must feel great to be home again. Its awful how patients have no right to refuse treatment, regular check-ups are so intrusive and useless!

I myself experienced the same thing and was eventually able to stop check-ups by acting perfectly fine for a while, making the checkups seem useless. And also vocalising that clearly. (Requires a bit of acting but not much).

Feel free to take time to process your emotions and see if it passes, no need to rush to CTB.

 

[loveable_lamb]

It must feel great to be home again. Its awful how patients have no right to refuse treatment, regular check-ups are so intrusive and useless!

I myself experienced the same thing and was eventually able to stop check-ups by acting perfectly fine for a while, making the checkups seem useless. And also vocalising that clearly. (Requires a bit of acting but not much).

Feel free to take time to process your emotions and see if it passes, no need to rush to CTB.

I mean, technically you do have the right to refuse treatment but in practice it's a lot harder cuz they will nag forever or have u commited forcefully...

Of course no rush to ctb. I want to be 100% confident in my decision, but I am certain I don't wanna be alive by mid-February. There's just something happening in my life then that will be so emotionally devestating that I'd rather just die before it and be peaceful. I feel like I've said goodbye to the world in a peaceful way by having my last city trip last week. Sometimes you just can't save someone. You can only bring them to a good end and for me that trip was exactly that.

 

[Forveleth]

Congrats on your escape! I hope you can find a solution and some peace soon!