Enough

[Meteora]

I m so tired of this life. I ve had enough already 5 years ago. All I do is fight and struggle. I m a no one. Inexistent. Nobody ever wanted me and still nobody wants me. I m just here to be used. And abused.
Why on earth don t I just end it? Am I such a miserale coward?
I don t know how much deeper one can fall. Ok, I could commit a crime. A serious one. Life in prison is not too bad I guess. And I can still suicide there.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry things are so rough, however please believe me, if you feel no one wants you and you're just here to be used and abused you'd find it even worse in prison: where there is no escape from constant exposure to your abusers. And, if the means of ctb can seem challenging in our everyday circumstances, they're even more difficult to come by inside, locked in a cell for up to 23 hours a day sometimes.

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

I would not consider it cowardice to hesitate to end one's life.

To be afraid of death, or pain, is a natural feeling, that evolved into us. It is how the species survives. It is out of your control, and pushing back against it can be difficult. Even if you abandon the fear of death, the fear of pain can still be a very powerful thing. Do not be ashamed, simply because you are afraid.

It doesn't even have to be fair. Maybe there is something within your subconsciousness trying to tell you there is something you wish to do. Perhaps you are simply not quite ready to go yet. And that is perfectly alright.

There's no need to mistreat yourself. Plenty of people in your life will do that for you. Respect that you are only human, and so are limited in what you can do and what you can and cannot feel, what you can and cannot do. Try not to be so harsh on yourself.

As per who you are, the way I see it, you are a person who seems to like foxes (I think? I mean, you have a fox pfp), and you very much exist. Whether you wish to continue existing is entirely up to you.

You could commit a crime, but be warned that it might not bring you the solace you long for. You may still not find the reason to ctb -- after all, you seem to be wondering in your post why you can't do so now, what's saying you'll be able to do so then? I wouldn't recommend it. It could be decent - three square meals a day, free rent -, but it could be miserable - violence, abuse from staff or inmates -, and you could also be negatively impacting another person's quality of life in order to do so. Personally, I am not so sure it is worth the gamble, but it is your life; do with it as you see fit.

The feeling of mistrust towards humans and their affections is very relatable. I can only imagine that quite a few of us here have been taken advantage of, manipulated, and then tossed aside, only to be interacted with as some last option. It hurts to be perceived that way. A person should have every right to escape such an unpleasant situation, one way or another, and I do wish you find a resolution. I cannot guarantee you'll find it in life or in death, but I wish you all the best regardless.

 

[Meteora]

I'm sorry things are so rough, however please believe me, if you feel no one wants you and you're just here to be used and abused you'd find it even worse in prison: where there is no escape from constant exposure to your abusers. And, if the means of ctb can seem challenging in our everyday circumstances, they're even more difficult to come by inside, locked in a cell for up to 23 hours a day sometimes.

Yeah I ve seen lots of documentaries of American prisons. But I m talking of Swiss prisons. They treat inmates better than you get treated in psychiatry....
But commiting a crime isnt the right way, maybe. Although I d love to see some people suffer really badly.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful what you are going through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. And suicide really just isn't straightforward especially as we exist in such an anti-suicide society where suicide is purposely made so difficult for people so I don't believe that those who struggle to permanently cease existing on their own terms are cowardly. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Meteora]

Even if you abandon the fear of death, the fear of pain can still be a very powerful thing. Do not be ashamed, simply because you are afraid.

I m only afraid of taking the wrong decision. Because everybody says suicide is bad etc. Yes, I thought my life cant be over after all the fights I ve fought and all the things I ve overcome. I ve worked on myself very hardly but still no gain.

violence, abuse from staff or inmates -, and you could also be negatively impacting another person's quality of life in order to do so

That is true...

I can only imagine that quite a few of us here have been taken advantage of, manipulated, and then tossed aside, only to be interacted with as some last option. It hurts to be perceived that way.

It is unbearable. How can one live like this? As an hermit?

And suicide really just isn't straightforward especially as we exist in such an anti-suicide society

That s true. All hypocrites who make it so difficult.

 

[Meteora]

These thoughts, the persuasion never cease to haunt me. It will always come back. People will continue to let me down. I m not worth it. I don't deserve to be treated well. Cause I m a nobody.

 

[Meteora]

Cannot understand my feelings of September except for the will to death. At least it seems I still had feelings then. Not now anymore. I m just numb.