Enough is enough. There's no help. There's no hope. There's no future.

[LastLoveLetter]

I've said it so many times before that I feel like a broken record, but seriously, I'm done.

Since my previous post, I made a last ditch attempt to get help. Contacting mental health professionals for psychological support, trying to have my physical ailments investigated further, diagnosed and treated, trying to access any resources I possibly could. I was at the end of my tether so there was no harm in going all out and trying everything to get help. I had nothing to lose.

The result? I was constantly chasing and chasing and chasing and getting nothing in return. No support, no concern, nothing. Just empty promises and waiting lists. Nothing new.

To "get anywhere", you basically have to nearly die from an attempt. And if I were to survive, I'd end up in a psychiatric ward given temporary crisis "support" (using this term VERY loosely here), then discharged and left to rot in the exact same circumstances that make me want to die. What a fucking joke.

You know, as shitty as life has been, I wanted to give it my best shot. I've experienced extensive trauma in my life (sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe neglect, almost being killed etc). I have written about some of these things before so won't elaborate too much here. But it was pretty fucking horrendous - the type of shit you see on crime documentaries.

I still tried, perhaps against my better judgement. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to get help for my physical and mental health conditions and been turned away, gaslit, given inappropriate and ineffective treatment and blamed when it didn't work, misdiagnosed, further abused or simply ignored.

It's the latter I'm dealing with right now. Health services are overstretched, underfunded, systemically flawed and the majority of healthcare professionals I've been speaking to also simply don't care. They don't care if I suffer. They don't care if I die. Some of them even actively make my circumstances worse.

It's as if life is goading me to end it and I'm so close to snapping, one of these days I will.

I'm drinking again, so perhaps enough alcohol will give me the extra push to jump soon. I don't even care about acquiring a new source of SN anymore. My fear of death is dwindling because the future that lies ahead is far more frightening.

 

[yyytry]

Tried getting help too, and the therapists turn me away. There is no help.

 

[carac]

I couldn't get any help for my physical pain, the health service completely failed me. I just kept looking online and eventually discovered Dr sarno. I don't know your problems but I have chronic pain related to psychological trauma, it's worth a shot if nothing else has worked.

 

[PrisonBreak]

As a sufferer of multiple diagnosed and undiagnosed illnesses, I understand exactly how you feel. I too have exhausted all options, all possibilities and have reached a dead end. Infact, I get worse every time I try. My condition(the extreme tinnitus, disabling hyperacusis along with other physical and mental illnesses) has left me housebound and heartbroken. I get worse for some reason or no reason at all, and all efforts I make to try and "get better" are futile.

It has become an endless cycle for me. I am going everywhere to find help but end up nowhere.

And I realized the only way to break free from this cycle is to let go. No one is coming to my rescue no matter how much I want to be rescued. I put up with this torment for no reason or no purpose. With no one to help me or to save me.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry, rly know how feel all rod end no way escp etc all wrld rly stonage no hlp ,mntal illlne sffr Many no posbl hlp make worse vry sry know how injury damage all ppl no care all ppl ignore. This wrld cruel no real hlp no any ,all make wrs no give spprt even ltl, this rly cruel u sfr all type v long no have hlp keep try no see any,hug, vry sry hope peace

 

[day]

Im very sorry OP you don't deserve to suffer like this.. the world is a horrible place and you along with so many other should have peace and happiness. Regardless of your decisions going forward I wish you not but well.

 

[Techef]

So sorry you've had to go through all this. I did the whole "if you don't succeed at first, try and try again" with getting help. I don't know why I spent over a decade going through the same cycle of false promises and disappointing results while wasting so much time, effort, and money before realizing I should've accepted I was in an untenable situation and found as peaceful an end as I could earlier.

 

[charlotte_]

I'm really sorry you must go through this OP. I can't even imagine how horrible your life must be. Whatever path you choose to take, it is totally understandable and you are supported all the way along. I wish you will be free from pain soon enough.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through but anyway I wish you the best, it's certainly such a hellish world we exist in where humans create so much harm, there really is too much suffering in existing.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's horrible what you're going through. Nobody deserves suffering. I hope you can find peace!

 

[lachrymost]

It's everyone for themself out here. So claustrophobic and terrifying.

 

[Dayrain]

I still tried, perhaps against my better judgement. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to get help for my physical and mental health conditions and been turned away, gaslit, given inappropriate and ineffective treatment and blamed when it didn't work, misdiagnosed, further abused or simply ignored.

It's the latter I'm dealing with right now. Health services are overstretched, underfunded, systemically flawed and the majority of healthcare professionals I've been speaking to also simply don't care. They don't care if I suffer. They don't care if I die. Some of them even actively make my circumstances worse.

Yes, there is a hostile environment and those 'professionals' don't want to analyze you as a whole anymore. Their priority is to rather not give you treatment when they are not sure. And they lie to you about all of those facts.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I gave up on all aspects of the medical profession long ago.
I'm convinced they really don't give a damn about people like us and are just in it for the money.
I'm sick of people being treated like dirt by these useless scumbags.
I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Dayrain]

I gave up on all aspects of the medical profession long ago.
I'm convinced they really don't give a damn about people like us and are just in it for the money.
I'm sick of people being treated like dirt by these useless scumbags.
I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

Playing cat and mouse with help seekers is pathetic.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I've said it so many times before that I feel like a broken record, but seriously, I'm done.

Since my previous post, I made a last ditch attempt to get help. Contacting mental health professionals for psychological support, trying to have my physical ailments investigated further, diagnosed and treated, trying to access any resources I possibly could. I was at the end of my tether so there was no harm in going all out and trying everything to get help. I had nothing to lose.

The result? I was constantly chasing and chasing and chasing and getting nothing in return. No support, no concern, nothing. Just empty promises and waiting lists. Nothing new.

To "get anywhere", you basically have to nearly die from an attempt. And if I were to survive, I'd end up in a psychiatric ward given temporary crisis "support" (using this term VERY loosely here), then discharged and left to rot in the exact same circumstances that make me want to die. What a fucking joke.

You know, as shitty as life has been, I wanted to give it my best shot. I've experienced extensive trauma in my life (sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe neglect, almost being killed etc). I have written about some of these things before so won't elaborate too much here. But it was pretty fucking horrendous - the type of shit you see on crime documentaries.

I still tried, perhaps against my better judgement. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to get help for my physical and mental health conditions and been turned away, gaslit, given inappropriate and ineffective treatment and blamed when it didn't work, misdiagnosed, further abused or simply ignored.

It's the latter I'm dealing with right now. Health services are overstretched, underfunded, systemically flawed and the majority of healthcare professionals I've been speaking to also simply don't care. They don't care if I suffer. They don't care if I die. Some of them even actively make my circumstances worse.

It's as if life is goading me to end it and I'm so close to snapping, one of these days I will.

I'm drinking again, so perhaps enough alcohol will give me the extra push to jump soon. I don't even care about acquiring a new source of SN anymore. My fear of death is dwindling because the future that lies ahead is far more frightening.

OMG, this really stinks. I have no words. "Sorry" is inadequate. You deserve much better than this. What a cruel and unjust world this is.

 

[murkylake]

I will never admit myself for mental help for the rest of my life. So many bad experiences. Abuse by staff. "Help" doesn't exist for us

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to read of others having similar experiences with healthcare services. It's such a damaging, disgraceful system.

This is the only place I can share this without someone wading in to say "You just haven't tried hard enough," "You can't have tried everything" or attacking me for daring to be critical of the medical conglomerate that routinely treats patients like shit and leaves them to rot. I tend to just keep things to myself as a result of other people's apathy, ignorance and judgement.

There's truth in the latter. I haven't tried everything in existence to alleviate my conditions. There are some treatment options only available to the wealthy few, for example. There are various treatments that are definitely gatekept if you're reliant on nationalised health services or on a low income. However, I have tried everything that I was able to actually access in the first place. And none of those things have ultimately helped enough to make my life sustainable.

I've worked really hard at my health. I've been trying various treatments for my physical and mental health conditions for almost 14 years now. I've jumped through hoops to acquire diagnoses (where possible) and be prescribed the most basic treatments. I've had enough.

My experience is that no-one wants to actually provide any sort of tangible support, but they hate it when you throw in the towel. They'll watch you sink but resent you for drowning, even if they didn't lift a finger to help keep your head above water.

 

[MrDarkness]

I know no words can ease the pain in your heart, I can't blame you for hating the system and this world, you have every right to, I can't say life gets better because I'm not in your shoes and I can't see the future, I hope your able to find peace either in life or death, if you need to talk my dms are always open we are in this shithole together

 

[carac]

I don't want it to seem like a I am trying to diagnose you but it does sound to me like your physical problems could be a result of mind body syndrome(check it out) the problem then is, if this is true, you will need a lot of help dealing with your psychological trauma which sadly sounds like it isn't forth coming. I would suggest looking into it though, it will cost you nothing and you may be able to get some relief from self help.

 

[whatevs]

I've been trying for 12 years myself to get better, gone to all kinds of healers, quacks, then serious and scientific looking professionals condoned by mainstream medicine. I almost always had the startling feeling that these people where there to take whatever money I had or protect their ego pretending their treatments worked and it was me that was doomed because of my lack of cooperation. Dealing with "health professionals" really shows you what lies underneath of polite society: ruthless biological dictates, survival, lust, greed, struggle for dominance and ownership, inability to accept one's folly if the victim of your mistake or immorality is downtrodden. This is exactly why homeless people exist, people are just that heartless.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I don't want it to seem like a I am trying to diagnose you but it does sound to me like your physical problems could be a result of mind body syndrome(check it out) the problem then is, if this is true, you will need a lot of help dealing with your psychological trauma which sadly sounds like it isn't forth coming. I would suggest looking into it though, it will cost you nothing and you may be able to get some relief from self help.

I can't disclose the full extent of my medical conditions without potentially inadvertently doxxing myself. But I have a physical disability which I've had since birth, caused by brain damage. A lot of my subsequent chronic conditions - particularly the chronic fatigue and pain - can be directly linked to this disability.

That's not to suggest trauma hasn't played a significant role in my illnesses. It has, but perhaps not in the way you might suspect. Long-term physical and sexual abuse caused actual, physical bodily damage. On top of this, I was neglected and this includes not receiving adequate medical intervention for my disabilities. I was suspected to have autism as well but my family weren't willing to investigate this or have it diagnosed.

Had my physical disability received appropriate, early intervention, it could have been much more manageable and some of my subsequent ailments could have been prevented or at least reduced. The lack of treatment meant that my health only deteriorated, and comorbidities were left untreated too as a result. For this particular disability, all available support and resources are aimed at children and early intervention. There's nothing for adults.

I'm glad you found something that has helped you. That's wonderful. It's simply not applicable to my circumstances and I'm very critical of approaches that insinuate that I can essentially alleviate my illnesses with the power of my mind. I've tried all kinds of approaches, including ones similar to this out of pure desperation, with no success. My conditions are more than my brain creating pain in response to stress.
Trauma and stress are believed to cause tangible, serious physical complications, but that doesn't mean those responses are all mind-body syndrome or psychosomatic. And sadly these labels and rhetoric are often used to gaslight and dismiss patients with long-term conditions that are difficult to treat.

 

[carac]

Sorry this can't help, I'm in no way trying to gaslight you. This approach really helped me and I've read so many other stories about people it saved. I was in such a bad state, I hate to think there are people out there suffering like I did when the answer is under their nose, it took me years to discover it. I agree though it's a difficult balance to strike trying not to invalidate people with structural problems while also trying to reach out to anyone that could be helped.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Sorry this can't help, I'm in no way trying to gaslight you. This approach really helped me and I've read so many other stories about people it saved. I was in such a bad state, I hate to think there are people out there suffering like I did when the answer is under their nose, it took me years to discover it. I agree though it's a difficult balance to strike trying not to invalidate people with structural problems while also trying to reach out to anyone that could be helped.

Sorry, that was poorly worded on my part. I should have specified in my message that medical professionals at times use the term psychosomatic to gaslight patients. I completely understand that you're not doing that at all.

I'm genuinely pleased to hear that this helped you. I'm happy for anyone that can find relief from their pain, whatever form that takes. And if that approach can help someone else, that's great.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I decided that an update here was better suited than an entire new thread.

As I wrote in my original post, I have been seeking out help one last time in a last ditch attempt to make my situation bearable.

One door has now been firmly slammed in my face: Local statutory mental health services.

Today, they told me that there is nothing they can do, no support they can offer and that I need to "use my skills" (learned in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) to endure my struggles. It was heavily implied that it's all my own fault if the skills and previous therapeutic modalities haven't been sufficient to alleviate my suicidality. They have essentially washed their hands of me and relinquished any responsibility for my treatment. They treated me like I'm some sort of lost cause, because my Complex PTSD is too complicated for them.

They are fully aware of the fact I'm suicidal, struggling and recently had my SN confiscated. They simply do not care.

So in terms of psychological intervention, my options are practically zero. I cannot afford private therapy and statutory mental health services refuse to provide any further support.

I am still attempting to seek help for my physical illnesses, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it. Statutory services dislike dealing with chronically ill people. They treat us like pariahs.
All past treatments have failed, except for one. LDN helped me on a short-term basis but the benefits gradually faded until it stopped working entirely. It was utterly devastating to finally see progress in my symptoms, only to have that newfound relief and independence stripped away.

I am running out of options, and ultimately out of time. Mental health services deciding they want nothing more to do with me was just another nail in the coffin. A lack of treatment for my physical ailments will be the final nail.

The only comfort I can take from this is that I really did try everything within my means. I tried and tried and tried, for many years. It didn't work out. Life is simply not for me. It has demonstrated this time and time again.

It's sad to have reached this point, but knowing I've persisted for all of these years and that there's no way forward brings a sense of closure.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I am running out of options, and ultimately out of time. Mental health services deciding they want nothing more to do with me was just another nail in the coffin. A lack of treatment for my physical ailments will be the final nail.

The only comfort I can take from this is that I really did try everything within my means. I tried and tried and tried, for many years. It didn't work out. Life is simply not for me. It has demonstrated this time and time again.

It's sad to have reached this point, but knowing I've persisted for all of these years and that there's no way forward brings a sense of closure.

This is both heartbreaking and enraging. My heart is going out to you.