Venting Endless Shame Cycle

[pinkbluebutch]

I feel like I have such a hard time getting better because my motivation is shame and self-loathing, and knowing that suicide is an option always makes it more desirable than the alternative. I keep letting down the people around me who support me and believe in me, but I don't know how to be better. I just want to disappear. I know people have high expectations because they believe in me but it's so hard to live up to them because I fear I'll never be good enough and it makes me not even want to try. I want to run away from all of my problems, I can't face them, and so they keep getting worse. I just feel useless and like I'm hurting everyone else. I need this to be over :(

I think I'm gonna get wasted tonight to cope. We'll see. I just can't handle any more of life to be honest. I'm about ready to push the self destruct button.