Venting Endless cycle.

[BlueMist96]

Had an alright day and now I'm having a bad night. Whenever I get an intrusive thought or start spiraling over a false memory, it's like I go into some kind of trance. Like yea, I "know" it's not real, but my body and my emotions react as if it is. I'll just sit there, replaying shit in my mind, trying to prove that it isn't real. The moment it latches into something else? Gone, just like that. All of the sudden It stops, and it's onto the next thing.

I spend the majority of my day worrying about shit that isn't real. My mind is constantly making up stupid little scenarios that never happened, or lies about my intentions, and demands that I prove them wrong. What the fuck does it have to gain from this?

Sometimes, I just want to fuck my body up so bad that I can't hide how much internal pain I am in anymore. I don't care if I end up in a mental hospital or something, I just want somebody to see that there's something wrong with me. I don't know why I can't just to tell them. I don't even know if I actually want anyone to know, or if I'm just an attention whore. Fuck this, im cutting.

Part of me wants to just show them my legs and get it over with right now. I know there's nothing they can do for me. I know I won't accept their help. I just want attention. I just want them to see that there's something wrong with me. I know that the moment I do I will regret it, and I'll hate myself for it.