End Of The Road

[TheLastGreySky]

So, I've come to the decision that this will be my last year on this planet. However, I'm not against the idea of recovery but, I don't deserve it.
So, for a little bit of background, I fell in love in 2020 with the most amazing woman I have ever met. I still think about her,
however, early the next year I went to prison, and she stayed with me through most of the incarceration.
I actually got out for 13 days in 2021, however I was struggling to find any footing that December and needless to say, I was extremely stressed. On top of that I was divorced by my ex wife of 12 years during my time out.
Well, I found out... that there was a lot of cheating and I snapped. Everything just broke in me, and I treated her like shit during most of our time together
and I even struck her with a door in my carelessness, It was not on purpose, I was going to leave because I was having an anxiety attack and she was behind the door,
but given the circumstances, I understand why she doesn't believe me. Anyway... she eventually broke up with me and I did my sentence.

I started talking with her recently because I have never felt this way about anyone else, and at the very least I want to see or hear her voice one more time before
I end my life. She's told me a lot of her reasonings for why she did what she did and I've come to realize that I really hurt her and said A LOT of terrible things that still bother her.
I have had several relationships since her, I even had a woman sell me a car that I was dating, so I know it's not about what this woman can do for me, I love HER for HER.
From her giggle to little quirks. And I hate being honest with myself, because I know that I'm not capable of loving anyone half as much as I still love her.
I remember the little things like her singing in the shower, and it kills me... my brain never shuts off.
I would move the heavens and the earth for her, just to see her smile again. But, I said heartless and pretty cruel things. And well, frankly,
I don't deserve her.
And I wish I wasn't still waiting for this check that's coming within 6 or 8 weeks, so I could just hang myself and stop being such a worthless stain.
In my whole existence I was only happy being with her and making her smile and laugh. Our love making transcended physical pleasures that were even greater than my best Mushroom trip.
I don't want to tell her directly, but even if she doesn't want to see me again, I have to drop off some money for her because she bailed me out and that still keeps me up at night. I fucked up in so many ways, and if there's one person on the planet who's opinion I care about it's hers.
I wanted to post this partially to vent, but also partially to be a part of the community before I go.
I'm scared of getting older, and I'm scared of never seeing her again. And I guess, I'm an idiot hoping for a miracle.
I really can't go on living if no one believes in me anymore. I need to make this right. But, I know deep down, that I'm already dead
and that no one gives a single fuck if I dropped dead tonight.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I hope you guys are able to talk and reconcile with the past before your ctb, so that both of you are able to find peace in the end of your relationship--I mean, if you're going to die, this is the end for good, not like those other times. She seems like a sweet person, it's not every day that someone helps bail you out. What scares you about getting older? I mean, if you ctb you're making the choice to never see her again, no?

I believe in you if there's any chance you want to live, the self-reflection you've done is progress already. Learning to act on it and change positively could be a way to 'atone' for any previous mistakes, and more importantly become a person that you can be personally happy with.

If you end up ctbing, perhaps you can leave a note to her. For closure.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I spent most of today talking with her, and well at first a lot of it was her venting, but I showed her recent pictures of me and I got a really good response and she's happy I'm healthy. Last time I saw her I was 115 lbs, and now I'm at 165 and she was saying how when she last saw me she wanted to cry because how much weight I had lost. I think she still loves me, I think she's just afraid because of the dog shit people how've let her down.

I have an ex wife and four kids that I can't make up with, but this woman is the love of my life.
I would legitimately stay alive just to be with her, but I don't want to flat out say that, y'know?
I want her to want me and to believe in me. She is precious to me, and she did bring up that she is struggling with if I really loved her how I could do the things I did to her, and I can't just tell her about my childhood trauma can I? I haven't been this excited in years.

 

[cryone]

I'd say you deserve to recover. I'm probably somewhat biased from reading your story, but I don't think you did anything terribly wrong that should make you undeserving of happiness. Besides, I see faults on her part as well. I think you did great and talked everything out.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I'd say you deserve to recover. I'm probably somewhat biased from reading your story, but I don't think you did anything terribly wrong that should make you undeserving of happiness. Besides, I see faults on her part as well. I think you did great and talked everything out.

We're still talking it out. Like we have sent 88+ emails to each other since the 16th. I know that I can make the world she's in better. But how do you convince someone who's been hurt by so many others? And you've been one of them.

I had broken down today with my gf J that I'm wanting to leave for Sa, I told the truth as much as I could because she got upset
I told her that I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, because every time I do I see the face of a person who hurt my loved ones.
I have spitting up bile and I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope...

and well, I actually feel something, and though it's overwhelming, it's not just me pretending to enjoy life.
I had told J today a lot of this. I had told her how much I have planned to kill myself, I unloaded a lot.
And she broke down because she's scared of loosing me.
I didn't tell her, that the only reason I'm alive is because I love Sa.
I made up a little bit of a story, and I probably shouldn't have, but I really don't want her to ctb.
Like people have hurt her, but I've seen this woman make twice as much money at her current job than she did at her last job.
She is so much more capable than she realizes.
I told her, I'm a destitute, former psychopath, an ex convict, and I have to live with this urge to destroy myself, I hate myself with a passion.
I told her that I feel like if my ending myself would help my loved ones sleep at night, I'll do it, and then I explained how I got this huge scar across my chest.
Anyway, I know that in the end that I'm going to hurt J by leaving, but frankly... I am lost all attraction to other women. I'm a love sick puppy, and I think that the monster that I was before was my inner child's way of feeling safe in a world that hurt me.

My other option is her finding me dead.

 

[Mayonaise]

I'm not against the idea of recovery but, I don't deserve it.

Why in the world would you not deserve it? You're a human being, you made mistakes. Everybody do. You served time and that alone must have been hell.
You feel guilty because you have a conscience. If you were a sociopath you wouldn't, but you're not.
There's no such thing as a "former psychopath"! You might have mental issues but that does not turn you into a psycho.
Thus, imho, you deserve more than one chance.

She's told me a lot of her reasonings for why she did what she did and I've come to realize that I really hurt her and said A LOT of terrible things that still bother her.
I don't deserve her.

I, too, wrote bad things to my ex, but did it because I was hurting, not because I am an horrible person.
If you realized that you misbehaved, again, is because you're human. Tell her that you're sorry, if she loved you she'll understand.
If you do this, you deserve another chance, and no matter what happens, you would have made amends.

But, I know deep down, that I'm already dead and that no one gives a single fuck if I dropped dead tonight.

No lie, I don't know who you are or what you did, but I wouldn't be happy if I knew that you had took your own life.
Wanna know why? Because you look like a troubled but sensitive and caring man.
In the end you will do what you want to and my opinion won't matter, I suppose.
But again, I really think you deserve another chance.
Hope my message somehow helps you bro, I really do.

 

[Dot]

We're still talking it out. Like we have sent 88+ emails to each other since the 16th. I know that I can make the world she's in better. But how do you convince someone who's been hurt by so many others? And you've been one of them.

I had broken down today with my gf J that I'm wanting to leave for Sa, I told the truth as much as I could because she got upset
I told her that I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, because every time I do I see the face of a person who hurt my loved ones.
I have spitting up bile and I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope...

and well, I actually feel something, and though it's overwhelming, it's not just me pretending to enjoy life.
I had told J today a lot of this. I had told her how much I have planned to kill myself, I unloaded a lot.
And she broke down because she's scared of loosing me.
I didn't tell her, that the only reason I'm alive is because I love Sa.
I made up a little bit of a story, and I probably shouldn't have, but I really don't want her to ctb.
Like people have hurt her, but I've seen this woman make twice as much money at her current job than she did at her last job.
She is so much more capable than she realizes.
I told her, I'm a destitute, former psychopath, an ex convict, and I have to live with this urge to destroy myself, I hate myself with a passion.
I told her that I feel like if my ending myself would help my loved ones sleep at night, I'll do it, and then I explained how I got this huge scar across my chest.
Anyway, I know that in the end that I'm going to hurt J by leaving, but frankly... I am lost all attraction to other women. I'm a love sick puppy, and I think that the monster that I was before was my inner child's way of feeling safe in a world that hurt me.

My other option is her finding me dead.

U r oppste of psychpth - u r feelng evrythng v strngly

Wht profssnl hlp hve u recevd - workng on urslf mght b th/ bst gift t/ hr -- & prt of tht = lernng t/ lke urslf mre -- tht wld gve u mre spce fr b-ing thre emotnlly fr hr

U bth desrve tht

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Why in the world would you not deserve it? You're a human being, you made mistakes. Everybody do. You served time and that alone must have been hell.
You feel guilty because you have a conscience. If you were a sociopath you wouldn't, but you're not.
There's no such thing as a "former psychopath"! You might have mental issues but that does not turn you into a psycho.
Thus, imho, you deserve more than one chance.

I, too, wrote bad things to my ex, but did it because I was hurting, not because I am an horrible person.
If you realized that you misbehaved, again, is because you're human. Tell her that you're sorry, if she loved you she'll understand.
If you do this, you deserve another chance, and no matter what happens, you would have made amends.

No lie, I don't know who you are or what you did, but I wouldn't be happy if I knew that you had took your own life.
Wanna know why? Because you look like a troubled but sensitive and caring man.
In the end you will do what you want to and my opinion won't matter, I suppose.
But again, I really think you deserve another chance.
Hope my message somehow helps you bro, I really do.

Your messaged helped me a lot. When I met this woman it was when I was separated at my wife who was also my highschool sweetheart, and I have for kids with my now ex wife, and I have had a lot of regrets with the former, and I had been a completely different person. So, I have to live with the pov memories of my mistakes and that's one reason I have such shame from what I did. Thank you for your message.

U r oppste of psychpth - u r feelng evrythng v strngly

Wht profssnl hlp hve u recevd - workng on urslf mght b th/ bst gift t/ hr -- & prt of tht = lernng t/ lke urslf mre -- tht wld gve u mre spce fr b-ing thre emotnlly fr hr

U bth desrve tht

I have honestly never thought of it like that, but I definitely feel very strongly