Venting End of day check in.

[Livingvsdying25]

I slept most of the day.. woke up to eat and order some more snacks.

Then at one point I woke up and checked the delivery time of the cannabis capsules and it was coming soon so I had to stay up. Had messaged a friend he's the least triggering outta all my friends rn. Talked to him a bit. Did some dishes. Decided ima bring down some garbage and other cleaning tmrw bc I'm still physically exhausted.

Got my cannabis capsules. Took a shower. Just took capsules and now ima settle in for the night and see how these one effect me. Hopefully these help me sleep. I took the CBD/CBG with THC. Maybe I'll try taking a CBD/CBN capsule That might be the ultimate combo regarding sleep & relaxation but im having suspicions that CBN keeps me awake so I shall just see for now.


It was def PMDD having a huge impact this past week but I'm just feeling a lot of like... I dunno hesitations in life. Im not sure if I wanna live and I'm not sure if im comfortable with my current life flow & the people in it. I dunno anymore tbh.

So just gonna think about it for a bit ig... but also kinda avoid it/ take a break for awhile. I dunno anymore & honestly I'm not in a rush to know.

Like yee today wasn't too bad ig. I had some like intrusive thoughts here and there but not too too bad ig?

I dunno I think im honestly just getting fed up with the hustle & bustle of life. I'm tired of living in and of itself. Yeah there are some things that make it ohkkkk but :/ not really. Im grateful for the ok aspects but it's not per say enough for me? I dunno...


Many a thoughts ig... I'm def leaning towards killing myself. Ya knobefore there was this huge internal push inside for me to live. Like I wanted to keep fighting...

I don't anymore I'm not hard pressed to live and theres no like hella internal push for myself to keep going. Im actually quite comfortable with ending it. The discomfort is coming from the possible impact it'll have on others. But truthfully I'm finding it hard to stay engaged anyway so I'm not sure I'm even having a good impact currently anyway. Plus this needs to be a decision for me but I can't help but consider other people...


So that was my day and these are some of my thoughts. I may just sleep all day tmrw and clean Monday..having a clear fridge def helps with a clear mind that's just how I am tbh. But since the dishes are done it can def wait..I'll see how I feel tmrw.

I feel no rush to kill myself but also I don't really feel like I want to live that badly either..I'd rather plan and start executing from this calm/unrushed state of mind buttttt I'm also feeling hesitation so I'm thinking I should wait. I really really dunno

Also something I feel bad about but I don't feel comfortable expressing outside of SaSu... I really don't give a fuck about my health anymore. Like yeahh when my throat is hurting to the point of not being able to eat... but otherwise? I don't care its too much to fucking care about. Its a constant stress no matter how im dealing whether its one thing at a time or all at once. I just don't fucking care anymore and I don't want to care either. Its just a big aspect I wanna let go of. Dealing with a plethora of chronic health issues brings the quality of life down for me and I'm so over being concerned or worried or aware of things constantly like. ... ig that makes me a bad person somehow as told by society but I just don't wanna give a fuck anymore.

Alsoooo needa message my other friend but ik she's at events this weekend and I just feel like regardless of what I say I'd be bringing down her weekend. Like just my presence sucks. So im just leaving it alone rn buttttt do needa say hi & thnx for a package soon... so will on Monday. Holding myself to that. It's easy to avoid people at times but I feel bad in ways.

Soo yee some of my thoughts to get out as the evening comes to an end. Its almost 8pm.

Gonna watch some kpop variety & anime. I don't feel too awful but with cannabis I def feel better physically & mentally so I'm looking forward to the effects of these.




How was y'all's day? How the suicidality doin? What's up?

 

[alonely]

How was y'all's day? How the suicidality doin? What's up?

honestly just gonna hijack your thread to vent too and because im bored if thats ok, since you asked

suicidality: im stubborn to admit it but its feeling maybe a click down from where it usually is. maybe i am just getting more numb to it because the thoughts are still there with the same desire.

my days are all the same with the exception of work days. and on work days i mostly just wiggle my mouse once in a while to keep my status online because there is nothing to do and no one responds to my work messages. every day is wake up (unfortunately), then pretty much just be on sasu all day. sometimes along with googling more about suicide and my methods, sometimes googling for reasons of trying to get better, sometimes googling because of thoughts that sasu triggered. eat the minimum amount of food. rinse, repeat the next day.

i have 1 friend not on sasu that i talk to sometimes. i can tell him almost anything. he tries to help. but theres not much he can do. i guess it is just nice that he lets me vent to him in a way that lets me say names and places and contexts and specifics that i couldnt say on sasu because i of course want to keep as much privacy as i can on here.

sometimes i see pictures of people who look happy or hear people being happy outside and i dont understand it.

i guess thats all for me. hope you enjoy your cannabis and videos. thanks for sharing your thoughts, it is nice to be able to relate to people here when i feel so inhuman in the real world.

 

[zipperstuck5171]

I hope to execute my plan tonight. I'm done. Hopefully the pills end me quick