Venting Emptiness and anger

[borderline-feline]

I've been more liberal about blocking people on social media the past week, and I think it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, my blood pressure is a lot lower without the bullshit that I was seeing in every direction, and I've avoided intentionally triggering myself. On the other hand, I'm just lost. Intense anger is impossible for me to control, and it makes me lash out at people and burst into tears, but without it, I feel empty and purposeless.

I don't know which is the lesser evil, because they both leave me miserable. I guess the anger at least gives me something to do instead of just sitting around in my living room. I think all of the most unhealthy traits of my personality are the ones that I need the most. I need the uncontrollable anger, the naïve childishness, the catastrophizing. It's what I am. I'm nothing without them.

I think I liked myself more when I was constantly triggering my intense borderline rage. I don't like the passive creature I am right now. I need to be angry, but I don't know if I can handle it.

I hate existing. Feeling things is painful, and not feeling things is painfully boring. I just want it all to go away, the pain, the boredom, the anger, etc. I guess a psychiatrist might call this "getting better", but that's all the more reason why I don't want to get better. I can't function without chaos and drama. It makes me want to start a fight with someone just so that I'll have something going on, but I'm self-aware enough to know how toxic that trait is.

I think this song gives a good summary of it. I've always had this kind of feeling, but I think I'm able to articulate what it is now because of the way Hayley Williams explains it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You have an impressive level of insight. Not sure if it always does us that much good though. Especially when you feel damned either way.

Do you exercise? Maybe you could find a sport where you can release some of that anger- boxing or something. I've kind of always wanted to do that. Get out some of the frustration. I know that feeling though- of being between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry.

 

[borderline-feline]

You have an impressive level of insight. Not sure if it always does us that much good though. Especially when you feel damned either way.

Do you exercise? Maybe you could find a sport where you can release some of that anger- boxing or something. I've kind of always wanted to do that. Get out some of the frustration. I know that feeling though- of being between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry.

I don't know if I would necessarily say that I have a lot of insight as much as I would say that Hayley Williams' lyrics have a tendency to make me think about myself. Another particular lyric on the new Paramore album that articulates a feeling I have very well is on the song "You First", and it's as follows:
"Turns out I'm living in a horror film
Where I'm both the killer and the final girl"

I don't really exercise. I know that I should for the sake of my health, but I don't really have much opportunity. I work full time, and when I'm home, I spend my time indulging in my interests because of hyperfixation. I also don't really have the opportunity since it's snowy and icy outside. I'm often in a state of tiredness, so I don't really get active due to a lack of spoons.

I've always dreamt of having a demolition room. I'd love to have a room full of stuff to break, and I could just put on some PPE and smash shit with a baseball bat to channel that anger.

 

[Archness]

Honestly know that kind of feeling too well... as a little is still too much.

Realizing you're the problem and it's something unchangeable. "Guess I'm just defective", fucking hell.

I used to be a positive, optimistic person trying to be friendly and make everyone's day better. Unfortunately, I'm not very effective at friendships, and it just didn't work. Atleast my autistic antics ended up as good entertainment .

If I'm not an autistic weirdo, I'm just a nobody, not even myself.

doomed

 

[borderline-feline]

Honestly know that kind of feeling too well... as a little is still too much.

Realizing you're the problem and it's something unchangeable. "Guess I'm just defective", fucking hell.

I used to be a positive, optimistic person trying to be friendly and make everyone's day better. Unfortunately, I'm not very effective at friendships, and it just didn't work. Atleast my autistic antics ended up as good entertainment .

If I'm not an autistic weirdo, I'm just a nobody, not even myself.

doomed

I have BPD, so I don't really have an identity, and I suffer from chronic emptiness. Without my anger, I'm nothing. I was furious about something today, and it made me feel so alive! I felt like an actual human person, and I felt like I had an actual system of morals that I conform to.