Empathy..... Caring...

[brokeandbroken]

I have posted my story in places for instance here:

The brief version of my story is I worked my ass off in life in undergrad and then medical school which I attended overseas where I was the victim of a crime forcing me out illegally. Gradually I lost my families support for reasons I will never know and when the crime happened I fully lost it. I have no friends or any natural support. I hate my life. I spent my life trying to help people I was studying to become an oncologist. I was president of the oncology research group, co-authored paper(s), and etc.... My thanks for this is poverty, isolation, loneliness, homelessness, and just sadness basically. I feel like my life would've been better spent doing cocaine out of a strippers asshole (somewhat jokingly). Like i wasted my 20s trying to help society and I got nothing in return.

In essence I spent my adult life (trying to) learn how save lives, seeing people die so I could save next one, and spending countless hours reading a textbook while people were out having fun. My thank you was to be a victim of a crime and society turning it's back on me. Legal help? lol no. Governmental help? Lol no. Familial help? Lol no. Medical help? Lol not really. Help just generic? Not really. My county congressman Tom Emmer when I reached out for help amongst other things I was sexually harassed/assaulted by the university ignoring the salient crimes basically hyperfocused on that and said well.... You shouldn't have been in the classroom... I cannot imagine anyone saying that to a woman. In other words my thank you for trying to save lives and being stopped because I was a victim of a crime was a fuck you by everyone. I can barely get a job bagging groceries. A good job lol no. You need work experience I was busy wasting my life in medical school being taught by scumbags and con artists. I don't see people as inherently good anymore. Just narcists honestly. I can feel my empathy fading and fast. Does it come back? Like I feel abandoned and discarded by society like trash on the side of the road. Well to bad for you. We could help you but.... I could get home to my family 5 minutes faster fuck you. How does anyone deal with people after this? How do I not hate every single person.

Similarly I realized how little I care about anything. People? Anyone? Not really. I don't have anyone. Things? I have a few things but nothing much and to be honest the only reason I'd care is because they are necessary if they broke, stolen, etc... It would be just inconvenient because I couldn't afford to replace it. Activities lol no. Work fuck no. Making medical equipment after spending 9 years in post-secondary school for 22.78 an hour no overtime. Where I have to walk 5 miles there and 5 miles back in broken down shoes that are ripped and torn because I cannot afford to buy new ones. Like how am I supposed to function basically and not just want to rip apart every person I see for not helping me?

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

The more you expect the society or anyone to help you the greater you will be disappointed. I understand though because I knew this guy who couldn't work or do anything for almost a decade and even his own "family" couldn't be bothered to help him or his other "friends" since he put so much emphasis on friendship but none of his friends could help him but me but ended up calling me a bully two months after that you see that?! The nerve of him... and even one of his "so called best friend" told me she could never help someone like him and called me "dumb" for ever helping someone like him ( and she was right) hahahaha…

I even remember helping this other girl with a lot of money to go to Canada and she even said her mum called me a heaven sent friend and she had even called me crying prior to that saying that her boyfriend, her mum and her sister didn't want to help her but I decided to help her ( she returned it to me later) and she still ended up betraying me first and when I did something back to her she was angry and I even apologised to her after but she said I had hurt her deeply so I respected her decision of not accepting my apology even I had tried to be the bigger person. ( I have given the examples of the two people I know who no one wanted to help but me regardless of them having friends and family) …. So I guess they felt the same way as you because nobody cared enough to help them.

One thing you have to realise is that most people are selfish and only care about themselves so please don't expect the society to help you, you have to toughen yourself for your sake.

I really want to cease to exist and the idea of getting old and wrinkly is not on my bingo card. Why should I work 40 hours per week and five days each week till I retire and then wait to die??? No I don't want that and besides that I have been through hell on earth and I just hate existing and my mind has been consumed by nothing but suicide lately.

Honestly my happiest time will be the time I leave this hell we call earth and just before my final breath I will be like finally it's over.

 

[brokeandbroken]

The more you expect the society or anyone to help you the greater you will be disappointed. I understand though because I knew this guy who couldn't work or do anything for almost a decade and even his own "family" couldn't be bothered to help him or his other "friends" since he put so much emphasis on friendship but none of his friends could help him but me but ended up calling me a bully two months after that you see that?! The nerve of him... and even one of his "so called best friend" told me she could never help someone like him and called me "dumb" for ever helping someone like him ( and she was right) hahahaha…

I even remember helping this other girl with a lot of money to go to Canada and she even said her mum called me a heaven sent friend and she had even called me crying prior to that saying that her boyfriend, her mum and her sister didn't want to help her but I decided to help her ( she returned it to me later) and she still ended up betraying me first and when I did something back to her she was angry and I even apologised to her after but she said I had hurt her deeply so I respected her decision of not accepting my apology even I had tried to be the bigger person. ( I have given the examples of the two people I know who no one wanted to help but me regardless of them having friends and family) …. So I guess they felt the same way as you because nobody cared enough to help them.

One thing you have to realise is that most people are selfish and only care about themselves so please don't expect the society to help you, you have to toughen yourself for your sake.

I really want to cease to exist and the idea of getting old and wrinkly is not on my bingo card. Why should I work 40 hours per week and five days each week till I retire and then wait to die??? No I don't want that and besides that I have been through hell on earth and I just hate existing and my mind has been consumed by nothing but suicide lately.

Honestly my happiest time will be the time I leave this hell we call earth and just before my final breath I will be like finally it's over.

I'll address things regarding you first....

I'm sorry those things happened to you. It's the worst when people treat you poorly. I know it's been basically my whole life.

To be honest I didn't expect anything from society in terms of like handouts. I was willing to work my ass off to become successful. And I did. Specifically to become a doctor an oncologist. I assumed if you worked hard and something happened such as a crime there would be people willing to work for you. Why because I was willing to work my ass off for them. I was willing to fight tooth and nail to keep them alive. The hopes being they would work just as hard for me as I did them. Those hopes? Couldn't be further from reality. Police, politicians, lawyers, doctors, whoever. I have gone to a lot of people for help and none have worked hard. Most haven't even worked just wanted to collect a check and go home. My life was literally stolen from me and no one cares. You want to know my value? After 4.5 years in undergrad getting a psych degree while pre-med passing with good grades some extremely difficult classes and a significant portion of medical school? Many sleepless nights, blood, sweat, tears, stress, trauma, you name it. In a good week my take "home" pay after working 40 hours and another 20-30 volunteering.... $732.85. I am just deemed generally undesirable by society. If the holocaust existed in the US I'd be up the chimney in Auschwitz-Birkenau right now. I was led to believe systems existed if you were the victim of a crime. Especially so if you were a good person, worked hard, showed a high moral character, tried to help society, Couldn't be further from the truth. Most of the time I was just met with mocking and ridicule not because the crimes don't exist they clearly do and in fact I would be shocked if they weren't still occurring. No because it was how dare I the piece of shit I apparently am even think about asking them for help. What country am I from that this is occurring? North Korea? China? Iran? Venezuela? Nope America. The country where crime only exists if it is politically expedient. The sad part is if I took the life of those who took mine I'd go to prison. Why it's just politically expediate. Crime would suddenly exist but the weak, pathetic, corrupt, lazy, doctors and administrator's pft not politically expediate enough. Frankly, the headlines would destroy me. Simply put I am just not worth it to people including my own family. Society spoke and they said they don't care we'd rather you be poor and effectively our slave. Go eat junk food because that's all you can afford, get sick, work a miserable job, you mean nothing to us. We have enough doctors. Those politicians and lawyers know they'll be taken care of they are rich. They are just hurting the poor. But who cares right?

When of the first days I worked in the oncology clinic a particularly cantankerous patient had an appointment afterwards, I made some remark to the doctor that the most angry patients live the longest. Never was corrected though to be fair how would I know. Someone posted why are you alive in a post recently.... I didn't have an answer. In writing this I realized the answer is honestly I am just too fucking angry. .

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so horrible what you've had to endure, existence is just so hellish and I just think in general this human species is so awful, so many humans are too cruel and create so much harm, it's the unfortunate reality of existing in this world where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[brokeandbroken]

That really sounds so horrible what you've had to endure, existence is just so hellish and I just think in general this human species is so awful, so many humans are too cruel and create so much harm, it's the unfortunate reality of existing in this world where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

All I know is I'm in my own personal hell. I want to CTB, rip apart every human I see like a feral animal, cry, explode of my skin, and just lay and do nothing all that the same time.

 

[EternalShore]

I'd like to eradicate all the evil people of this world too~ >:) It's too bad there's so many of them! >_< And all are such uncaring and mean jerks! >:( "if everything's going well for me, then why should I care about you? :p"
Anyways, I pray things get better for you. :) You already have a very high-level degree anyways~ Who knows~ Maybe you'll be get your long-awaited last laugh! Teehee~ >:D

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'd like to eradicate all the evil people of this world too~ >:) It's too bad there's so many of them! >_< And all are such uncaring and mean jerks! >:( "if everything's going well for me, then why should I care about you? :p"
Anyways, I pray things get better for you. :) You already have a very high-level degree anyways~ Who knows~ Maybe you'll be get your long-awaited last laugh! Teehee~ >:D

Thanks for the kind words. Regardless of what happens I think they will my life's been wasted. They've wasted my life/time. I couldn't have said it better then "if everything is going well for me, then why should I care about you". I didn't realize how prevalent that mentality was. It was never mine.

 

[Tobacco]

I worked so much since I was 18 thinking that eventually I would become rich. It's been 9 years and I'm nowhere close to it. Life is like a scam. Since you are a kid every piece of media makes you feel like you are somehow entitled to your dreams.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I worked so much since I was 18 thinking that eventually I would become rich. It's been 9 years and I'm nowhere close to it. Life is like a scam. Since you are a kid every piece of media makes you feel like you are somehow entitled to your dreams.

I'm sorry to hear that. Like I've said in other posts... I wish I hadn't spent my life studying/working hard and instead had fun. Literally I can't see any measurable way my life would be worse if I had spent my life doing drugs. Like my life is so unbelievably shit and I'll I've ever done is work hard. Yeah it really is a scam. Like people care about you. They don't.

 

[Tobacco]

I'm sorry to hear that. Like I've said in other posts... I wish I hadn't spent my life studying/working hard and instead had fun. Literally I can't see any measurable way my life would be worse if I had spent my life doing drugs. Like my life is so unbelievably shit and I'll I've ever done is work hard. Yeah it really is a scam. Like people care about you. They don't.

I get you. I avoided college to start working as soon as possible and save money to start a business. I said to myself "some people go to college just to have an extended adolescence" and tried to go in the opposite dimension. Now I wish to go back and attend college just to make friends and go to parties. Also I would have done more stuff in middleschool for example.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I get you. I avoided college to start working as soon as possible and save money to start a business. I said to myself "some people go to college just to have an extended adolescence" and tried to go in the opposite dimension. Now I wish to go back and attend college just to make friends and go to parties. Also I would have done more stuff in middleschool for example.

Yeah like I said I went to college (didn't party-studied/worked 20-25 hrs per week), went to medical school see above... I wish i hadn't. Despite every a spotless criminal record, working my ass off, the *best* job I could get is working as a medical assembler for 732$ a week assuming a holiday hasn't occurred, I didn't get sick, whatever. Just a temp job too no benefits.... yesterday I was learning to save someone's life today I'm making glorified IKEA furniture. All of that hard work for *nothing*. Leave the hard work for someone else that shit ain't worth it. Couldn't even get help. I'm also told I'm retarded literally by my "trainer" every day. Like fuck this. I don't know how I managed to bring myself here today honestly.