Emotional Crisis

[Chockles]

I'm planning to CTB in next few weeks.
getting N next week.

I live now with my elderly parents who now realise how physically ill ive become in the last 9 months & simply cannot go on.

They respect my wishes to die as don't want to see me bed ridden sufferring in agony but at same time don't really want me to die.

My survival instinct had always been strong but I know the things I love I can no longer do & I know there is no recovery for the physical damage & medications simply do not work.

Whilst parents accept my need to die they are not coping. Mum constantly telling me off for crying but I just can't go it. Aside from my physical issues ive raised I have traits of autism & adhd & never had a good relationship with my my. I always felt anxious in her company not good enough. She assures me now she's always loved me & I can see how it was my lack of confidence & understanding of my conditions that stopped me visiting my parents often & now it's too late to make up for lost time.

I literally cry all the time now. Living in family home memories of my childhood pop up, guilt at not visiting more often, and I feel more hopeless than ever before although it's my debilitating physical that makes me want to die as I'm bed ridden.

In one way it's good that both parents support my decision of need to die. All that they ask is I do it at home so they have a body to bury. Next week I buy N & hope to ctb asap.

Yet part of me still feels I have so much making up to do with my parents that I'm incapable off & the guilt, regret & hopelessness of my situation gets harder to deal with the closer I get to acquiring N & ctb.

I hope SI does not kick in for me as I simply cannot stand the physical pain 20in 24hrs a day staring into space. 2hrs a day trying to chat to folks & eat with them whist not bursting into tears & if I'm lucky I get around 2hrs sleep a night.

Yet I was never the suicidal type until 9 months ago I was struck with nerve damage which is totally debilitating. I've always had chronic pain but always fought through things adapted to a life in a wheelchair was still getting out in nature & community classes until I started having seizure type activity then eustachian tube dysfunction then developed symptoms similar to motor nuron disease choking on my own phlegm constantly & electric burning pain in limbs suspected mold toxicity but I've spent life savings trying to fix to no avail.

So I'm in absolute agony but scares of the dark so I hope the near death experiences people talk about like vibrant colours, peace & seeing loved ones again are true. I don't really believe in God but I'd like to believe in spiritualism as I just starting to embrace the simpler things in life like nature, animals, arts & crafts when this recent illness struck me down making it impossible to continue living my h longer. I hope there is an afterlife now but I don't want another physical & emotional human life like my current one has been.

Do others think more about religion, afterlife etc as they get closer to ctb? I'd never given it much thought until now. My main fear is goingto hell for the many lies I've told but I now realise that's because I have some mental health issues. And to be honest id say earth is hell & I can't imagine death being any worse than my current state of affairs.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is no evidence of any hell existing after this life. I just think there is nothing after this. Death is freedom from all suffering. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, life is just so unfair. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I have a bit of the same problem as I too struggle understanding my own viewpoints and values regarding the consequences of suicide. For me I have found it helpful to talk to my therapist for a better personal understanding of the side implications of suicide and death. This has been kind of tricky though as many people think these discussions are going to get me sent to the hospital for treatment, but I don't really care. I'd rather be certain of how I feel if that makes sense.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Do others think more about religion, afterlife etc as they get closer to ctb? I'd never given it much thought until now. My main fear is goingto hell for the many lies I've told but I now realise that's because I have some mental health issues. And to be honest id say earth is hell & I can't imagine death being any worse than my current state of affairs.

Yeah, I've definitely been thinking about the afterlife more since I purchased SN. I've been watching near death experience documentaries and have been meaning to top up my spiritual videos since I used to watch a spiritual teacher in my teens who had ideas about this stuff. I think it's highly unlikely hell exists and I fail to see how you could be punished for lying.

As I get older, and with what I know about science; I see this world is lawless and we are at the mercy of atoms, chemical reactions and biology "run amok" as someone else said. There is no law and system here; this is a cold, hard reality and if anything we are on a prison planet right now. If there is no system here and this world is so cruel by way of negligence/freedom from some caring authority, why would there be a system after death where some authority behaves as a moral judge after everything that is allowed here? I hate that good, everyday, suffering people have to worry that they'll be punished after death when they're struggling so much as it is.

**
I'm aware of your story Chockles and am glad your parents support your decision; hopefully you'll be less alone when the time comes.

 

[Chockles]

Yeah, I've definitely been thinking about the afterlife more since I purchased SN. I've been watching near death experience documentaries and have been meaning to top up my spiritual videos since I used to watch a spiritual teacher in my teens who had ideas about this stuff. I think it's highly unlikely hell exists and I fail to see how you could be punished for lying.

As I get older, and with what I know about science; I see this world is lawless and we are at the mercy of atoms, chemical reactions and biology "run amok" as someone else said. There is no law and system here; this is a cold, hard reality and if anything we are on a prison planet right now. If there is no system here and this world is so cruel by way of negligence/freedom from some caring authority, why would there be a system after death where some authority behaves as a moral judge after everything that is allowed here? I hate that good, everyday, suffering people have to worry that they'll be punished after death when they're struggling so much as it is.

**
I'm aware of your story Chockles and am glad your parents support your decision; hopefully you'll be less alone when the time comes.

Thanks for your reply. It's strange my mum keeps telling me she knows it's terrible to say so but she'd rather me dir than continue sufferring like this. I guess it's just the SI from looking at nature & now thinking death may be nothingness which I thought is what I wanted but having started to appreciate the beauty of nature until things got really bad I now think I'd like some kind of afterlife or another go at things with better health. Then there's the fear of failure tho most say N works I still have to swallow it & not vomit it up. Anyway hopefully once I have it in hand I'll be able to go ahead soon thereafter as I simply cannot continue existing like this much longer.

I have a bit of the same problem as I too struggle understanding my own viewpoints and values regarding the consequences of suicide. For me I have found it helpful to talk to my therapist for a better personal understanding of the side implications of suicide and death. This has been kind of tricky though as many people think these discussions are going to get me sent to the hospital for treatment, but I don't really care. I'd rather be certain of how I feel if that makes sense.

My therapist thought it was all anxiety & I should work on recovery but it's rare physical disorders & permanent nerve damage making me suicidal. I'm glad it helps you though.

There is no evidence of any hell existing after this life. I just think there is nothing after this. Death is freedom from all suffering. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, life is just so unfair. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you. I think it's possibly all nothing too. I think that's my problem. I'd just started appreciating the simpler things of the beauty of nature in life physically disabled but with some fun days & discovering new hobbies then something really bad happened leaving me completely bed ridden. I like to think there is an afterlife as people near death experiences talk about beautiful colours & peacefulness & that sounds wonderful. I'd like a 2nd chance at learning but don't want to be human again unless I'm healthy.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Thanks for your reply. It's strange my mum keeps telling me she knows it's terrible to say so but she'd rather me dir than continue sufferring like this. I guess it's just the SI from looking at nature & now thinking death may be nothingness which I thought is what I wanted but having started to appreciate the beauty of nature until things got really bad I now think I'd like some kind of afterlife or another go at things with better health. Then there's the fear of failure tho most say N works I still have to swallow it & not vomit it up. Anyway hopefully once I have it in hand I'll be able to go ahead soon thereafter as I simply cannot continue existing like this much longer.

My therapist thought it was all anxiety & I should work on recovery but it's rare physical disorders & permanent nerve damage making me suicidal. I'm glad it helps you though.

Thank you. I think it's possibly all nothing too. I think that's my problem. I'd just started appreciating the simpler things of the beauty of nature in life physically disabled but with some fun days & discovering new hobbies then something really bad happened leaving me completely bed ridden. I like to think there is an afterlife as people near death experiences talk about beautiful colours & peacefulness & that sounds wonderful. I'd like a 2nd chance at learning but don't want to be human again unless I'm healthy.

Yes, there is definitely beauty in this world and the love we feel for eachother. I don't think your mum should guilt herself - compassion is love. She's very brave and loving to let her baby go as some parents would want you to keep suffering. It's hard for all of you but thankfully you have eachother.

I believe in spirituality too and there being consciousness after life. There's a theory that we are the same energy as "source" which is the source (lol) of all the energy in this world and it is pure love and apparently that is what people feel enveloped by when they have near death experiences. We are simply an extension of this source energy and there is no punishment or judgment after which makes sense for me. Like this energy source is an ocean and we are simply a river. I have always felt spiritual and just feel like I know there is more after this life. I've also had lucid dreams and know there is more than meets the eye to our consciousness.

I have often imagined that this life is like a dream (to sound cliche) and once we die we "wake up" and have a broader and clearer understanding of what and who we are.

I believe as long as someone has love inside them and they are not completely pure evil they will be enveloped with that encompassing love energy that they originate from.

 

[Death is beautiful]

don't get me wrong, but I envy you, your parents can accept your will to ctb and you have the courage to do it, I would like to be in your place

 

[Chockles]

don't get me wrong, but I envy you, your parents can accept your will to ctb and you have the courage to do it, I would like to be in your place

They accept but don't really understand. We fight a lot as I'm in agony tired & irritable & would rather hide away than make efforts to chat to them. Mum gets annoyed at me crying I can't help it I want to scream let alone cry but I have to mask how extreme things are at times for her sanity. I've attempted ctb a few times & failed now I've left it too late to do anything bar N. I hope I have the courage to go through with it. I have nothing to live for but until a year ago I would have never imagined needing to ctb. I always had chronic pain but I had good days & bad days but always a fighter. I never imagined it was possible to be in such pain 24/7. So now I look out the window at the beautiful views & weep as I can't get outside to enjoy even the simplest of pleasures anymore. I am now full of regret & guilt about things in my past that I hadn't realised about until it was too late. I am risk averse, scared of the unknown yet I know it can't be any worse than my current torturous existence. I just hope I can 1st acquire then swallow the N keep it down & be found some 12hts later by my parents as I won't have the 24hr window.

Yes, there is definitely beauty in this world and the love we feel for eachother. I don't think your mum should guilt herself - compassion is love. She's very brave and loving to let her baby go as some parents would want you to keep suffering. It's hard for all of you but thankfully you have eachother.

I believe in spirituality too and there being consciousness after life. There's a theory that we are the same energy as "source" which is the source (lol) of all the energy in this world and it is pure love and apparently that is what people feel enveloped by when they have near death experiences. We are simply an extension of this source energy and there is no punishment or judgment after which makes sense for me. Like this energy source is an ocean and we are simply a river. I have always felt spiritual and just feel like I know there is more after this life. I've also had lucid dreams and know there is more than meets the eye to our consciousness.

I have often imagined that this life is like a dream (to sound cliche) and once we die we "wake up" and have a broader and clearer understanding of what and who we are.

I believe as long as someone has love inside them and they are not completely pure evil they will be enveloped with that encompassing love energy that they originate from.

Your words are comforting. I hope there is more beauty after death to experience.

Unfortunately my mum is I'll herself with dementia amongst other things. She gets angry that I cry a lot. Whilst she accepts my need to die she doesn't cope as feels so helpless that she can't fix me. My parents have both had a good life they don't understand chronic health conditions especially invisible illness that can't be treated by medication. My dad doesn't cope either but tends to just avoid me where he can wheras mum always asking if I need anything & I'm too sore & tired to mask my symptoms so it causes great distress & anxiety for both of us.

So when I order the N next week I know tho it'll be hard I need to ctb soon so they can grieve knowing I'm no longer suffering & hopefully enjoy what's left of their lives as just now they hardly go out scared to leave me. My SI has been bad until now but I really have nothing to live for anymore. I have mild autism too so have never had dreams I remember & always black & white. I hope in afterlife things will be more beautiful & I'll hold onto that thought while I force the N down my throat. X