Either therapy or suicide

[instormdrains]

I genuinely cant keep living like this anymore I need to make a drastic change. Every year I fall to a new low around the winter time. I fuck up for a couple months get better during lent. Then 40 days pass and im back to the same schedule. Summer has highs and lows. Beginning of fall is peak. I almost failed some classes due to my depression. Im not in highschool anymore If I fail school im cooked. I work a minimum wage job at a sandwich place on weekends and my coworkers are all so miserable. My depression WILL ruin my future I need to do well in school. I also just feel like shit a lot currently. I dont want to feel this way if I dont get better or make progress im going to kill myself. This is all assuming I survive winter break now is a great time to do it becuase I can effectively ghost people so they forget about me and dont mourn me.

 

[android]

Yes same, around winter. Just the EOY in general, it starts in the summer and you just really feel it culminating in the winter because thats when the year starts to come to a close and the outside world slows down a little.

Tbh I dont want to get better. Do you? Why do you think some stupid therapist can help or even understand? Im pretty sure thats for stiff like breakups or just normal people with transient problems, not people whove wanted to kill themselves for years.

Was thinking of giving it a try and Just canceled my Monday appointment. Fuck it, I dont want to get better and psyopped into living. I just want it to get worse so I go and do it impulsively

If its just about leveling up in life then maybe a therapist could help you though. Check out talk space its free with a lot of insurance

 

[finallydone]

Was thinking of giving it a try and Just canceled my Monday appointment. Fuck it, I dont want to get better and psyopped into living. I just want it to get worse so I go and do it impulsively

the doing it impulsively part is a tricky one, at least for me, i'm the kind of person who likes to plan his stuff out, go through all sorts of different scenarios to assess my chances at anything i do (yes, even if it ending my own life)
had a good amount of failed attempts or pre-attempts (they either were half-assed attempts with some safety net, or me cowering away before even attempting)

so last year around spring time, after a lot of planning, i decided the exact time i was going to leave, but once more i got overwhelmed by anxiety to the point where i couldn't move my limbs, that anxiety turned quickly into a state of deep depression that was debilitating me further

told myself, yeah i should forget about it this time and do it "impulsively" sometime in the future, tho in my head i felt like that time is never going to come, i felt like i was lying to myself which kinda pissed me off

so i hit myself with this counter-intuitive move, i told myself "well bitch if you're going to be impulsive, now is the best time to do it", i grabbed my benzos bottle, took a few drops, waited a while till i felt a bit calmer (i was so deep in panic mode, the benzos effect was barely noticeable)

and all i remember after that is just going for it, no further planning or assessment, just raw action, i felt a different kind of joy this time, the joy of being able to out-maneuver my flawed human design

then ofc life had a plan B for me, to keep me suffering as horribly as possible for as long as possible, and here i am, a lethat accident survivor + full attempt survivor, death looked to me in the eyes each time and said "well i guess your time is yet to come" and went off laughing

 

[android]

Well

the doing it impulsively part is a tricky one, at least for me, i'm the kind of person who likes to plan his stuff out, go through all sorts of different scenarios to assess my chances at anything i do (yes, even if it ending my own life)
had a good amount of failed attempts or pre-attempts (they either were half-assed attempts with some safety net, or me cowering away before even attempting)

so last year around spring time, after a lot of planning, i decided the exact time i was going to leave, but once more i got overwhelmed by anxiety to the point where i couldn't move my limbs, that anxiety turned quickly into a state of deep depression that was debilitating me further

told myself, yeah i should forget about it this time and do it "impulsively" sometime in the future, tho in my head i felt like that time is never going to come, i felt like i was lying to myself which kinda pissed me off

so i hit myself with this counter-intuitive move, i told myself "well bitch if you're going to be impulsive, now is the best time to do it", i grabbed my benzos bottle, took a few drops, waited a while till i felt a bit calmer (i was so deep in panic mode, the benzos effect was barely noticeable)

and all i remember after that is just going for it, no further planning or assessment, just raw action, i felt a different kind of joy this time, the joy of being able to out-maneuver my flawed human design

then ofc life had a plan B for me, to keep me suffering as horribly as possible for as long as possible, and here i am, a lethat accident survivor + full attempt survivor, death looked to me in the eyes each time and said "well i guess your time is yet to come" and went off laughing

Don't you think the issue is just that you used benzos, a highly discouraged method that only works in Hollywood?