Aug 5, 2019
Anyone else's time fast approaching?

I originally gave myself till the end of November, but I stayed to finish Assassins Creed and hoped to hold out till my housemates leave for Christmas. Unfortunately, one of them will be staying here over the holidays, we're not that close though. I completely gave up on my course at university, haven't bothered to attend the online lectures or hand in any work for the past month or so. That was partly because I saw no point, even if I don't die I wouldn't end up using the degree so it's a waste of my time worrying about deadlines. The other part was me hoping I'd back myself into a corner and well, I think that worked...tbh I'm quite scared and am now even more hopeless about the future.

I got my SN in September, luckily before it became completely impossible to find in the UK. It's been my only promise of hope, knowing I have the thing that will kill me right there, in my own bedroom. That and self harm are the only reasons I haven't yet spiralled out of control.

I feel so guilty lying to everyone. My parents think they're driving me home for Christmas at the end of next week, my friends think they'll see me again in January. But I know they won't and I've always found it difficult to lie to people. A couple of mh nurses from the community team are the only one's that really know how close I am. I know it's a dangerous game by mostly telling the truth, but it hasn't backfired yet and the NHS is way too stretched to stop me from actually acting on it anyway. I told her my friends leave today, she knows I have no plans to leave my student house, and she knows I have the means. All that still only gets as far as her 'possibly' asking the crisis team for advice and a phone call to 'check in' this Friday lol. I know I'm being quite naive in acting like this, it's just so freeing to not hold back, the weight lifts from your shoulders, the calmness returns momentarily.

Oops, didn't mean to ramble on that much. I'm probably just venting into a void, if anyone actually read this far I'd like to say thank you. Just a few more days left now