I just got a text from the woman who has been like a mother to me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah just feeling a bit low rn but it'll pass :)"
It won't this time. I've been suicidal since I was a child. My first suicide note was scrawled in my messy grade-schooler handwriting.
Today was the first day I actually bought items to see it through. I've had them in my cart for so long, all throughout the years. Different methods, different items.
But today, I placed the order. I often pondered if I was too far gone. If my soul was irreparably damaged from my childhood. I did SO well. I persevered, I succeeded. And my life was still so empty. I am much too damaged to live a normal, happy life. I will always carry this sadness inside me. I have a history of mental illness in my family. Psychosis, schizophrenia. I have started to head down that path myself. I can tell.
I want to ctb now, but I'm waiting until my birthday. It'll be a total solar eclipse.. on the day I turn 27. If that's not a sign from the heavens itself, then idk what is.
Until then, I just need to go through the motions. My heart fully froze yesterday. I haven't eaten. I know I won't for a week.
I just need to hold on for a little longer. Just under 3 months. I had always told myself, "just wait until 27," and I'm glad I could keep at least one promise.
I'm on antidepressants, too. They usually work pretty well. I've been on many, many different types of medication.
I'm planning to stop them cold turkey, a week before my birthday. The darker thoughts tend to go completely wild during withdrawal. Perhaps that is simply my natural state.
I wasn't supposed to survive birth anyway. I stole these 27 years. Death has beckoned to me from my earliest memories. It makes sense that my existence has been abhorrent. There has never been a plan for me. I don't belong here. My life is an imbalance, an abnormal anomaly. I want to go home.
"You okay?"
"Yeah just feeling a bit low rn but it'll pass :)"
It won't this time. I've been suicidal since I was a child. My first suicide note was scrawled in my messy grade-schooler handwriting.
Today was the first day I actually bought items to see it through. I've had them in my cart for so long, all throughout the years. Different methods, different items.
But today, I placed the order. I often pondered if I was too far gone. If my soul was irreparably damaged from my childhood. I did SO well. I persevered, I succeeded. And my life was still so empty. I am much too damaged to live a normal, happy life. I will always carry this sadness inside me. I have a history of mental illness in my family. Psychosis, schizophrenia. I have started to head down that path myself. I can tell.
I want to ctb now, but I'm waiting until my birthday. It'll be a total solar eclipse.. on the day I turn 27. If that's not a sign from the heavens itself, then idk what is.
Until then, I just need to go through the motions. My heart fully froze yesterday. I haven't eaten. I know I won't for a week.
I just need to hold on for a little longer. Just under 3 months. I had always told myself, "just wait until 27," and I'm glad I could keep at least one promise.
I'm on antidepressants, too. They usually work pretty well. I've been on many, many different types of medication.
I'm planning to stop them cold turkey, a week before my birthday. The darker thoughts tend to go completely wild during withdrawal. Perhaps that is simply my natural state.
I wasn't supposed to survive birth anyway. I stole these 27 years. Death has beckoned to me from my earliest memories. It makes sense that my existence has been abhorrent. There has never been a plan for me. I don't belong here. My life is an imbalance, an abnormal anomaly. I want to go home.
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