yunzzzk
See you later alligator
- Aug 1, 2024
- 15
Sometimes I question where my depression/suicidal thoughts come from, and I guess it all started from the early exposure to my family debt.
I grew up in middle-upper class family, never had concept of "allowances" since my parents would always get me what I wanted. Around age of 9, my family immigrated to another country. New language, new environment, no friends, and seniors in my family started telling me that my family was in debt for around 10 million. That was a large number to me and a huge shock, I remember nights without sleep, as I thought this is something that I could never repay in my lifetime.
As I grew up, my grades were not so great, I was never the child that made my parents proud. Choosing zoology as a university degree was also a bad choice, no job market and I graduated into COVID-19. My parents' new business of course crashed too just when our family saw hope. They continued to borrow money from their friends in order to support our daily expenses, around 2 million from what I know of.
Since I had "consciousness" my parents have been working so hard for this family, to keep this family running, working day and night. At their age, I just want them to relax. Now I am almost completing my masters degree, still very incapable of helping the family and I know that suicide is probably not an option for me, because I must stay alive to help my family out. My poor parents, as much as I want to escape from this living hell I know they need me here. Sometimes my "selfish" thoughts can get over me, but I must respect their thoughts too.
But…as time moved on, I really lost all my motivation. I have no hobbies, no friends, I don't know what I want from this planet.
I grew up in middle-upper class family, never had concept of "allowances" since my parents would always get me what I wanted. Around age of 9, my family immigrated to another country. New language, new environment, no friends, and seniors in my family started telling me that my family was in debt for around 10 million. That was a large number to me and a huge shock, I remember nights without sleep, as I thought this is something that I could never repay in my lifetime.
As I grew up, my grades were not so great, I was never the child that made my parents proud. Choosing zoology as a university degree was also a bad choice, no job market and I graduated into COVID-19. My parents' new business of course crashed too just when our family saw hope. They continued to borrow money from their friends in order to support our daily expenses, around 2 million from what I know of.
Since I had "consciousness" my parents have been working so hard for this family, to keep this family running, working day and night. At their age, I just want them to relax. Now I am almost completing my masters degree, still very incapable of helping the family and I know that suicide is probably not an option for me, because I must stay alive to help my family out. My poor parents, as much as I want to escape from this living hell I know they need me here. Sometimes my "selfish" thoughts can get over me, but I must respect their thoughts too.
But…as time moved on, I really lost all my motivation. I have no hobbies, no friends, I don't know what I want from this planet.
