Each day I am more and more tired of living

[FuneralCry]

This is just another pointless post, I told myself I was not going to post any more of these repetitive threads but I guess I am. At this point I am quite tired of writing about it, it is just the same thoughts and feelings.
I am always tired of living. No amount of sleep ever takes away the tiredness. My life is nothing but dread and misery and that will never change. I will never be able to escape from the feeling that I do not belong anywhere and the fact that there is nothing for me here. No matter what happened, I know I would never want to live.

Non existence will always be what I want the most, to be free from all pain and suffering sounds like a relief to me, but the part that hurts the most is that it is so difficult to leave this world. Life has always been an unpleasant experience for me. If there is not stress or dread, there is just emptiness. I do tell myself that this is all meaningless and insignificant as a way to cope with this life, that eventually I will get my peace, but even this way of thinking does not help. Things matter to me in the short term and I wish they wouldn't. Recently I have been having nightmares more and even know they are not real, they feel real to me. The things that I fear could happen and that is the most upsetting part. I have nightmares of things getting worse and being unable to ctb, being trapped in endless misery. If only I could just let this life go and then everything would be okay for me. In non existence, nothing can hurt me.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Nightmares really are the worst, I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with that. In the past I have struggled with dreams feeling very real and affecting me even long after I wake up, so I know it can get pretty bad. I wish you peaceful sleep and pleasant dreams ahead

 

[Sanva]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much, i always find your posts on here comforting. I hope you can find the peace you want.

 

[cececo]

Well being new I think I've only seen comments from you, not threads, so I wouldn't call it pointless. Plus it can be helpful for those of us who relate, and gives us a current space to write about things.
When you wrote, "the part that hurts the most," it immediately kicked off a Three Days Grace song in my head so I appreciate what you wrote even more for that. I completely agree, it seems so unfair that life has to hurt so much to push us to this point and then to actually leave it hurts more, physically and mentally, and isn't easy in the least. When I think of the future all I see is endless misery as well. In any case, I know I'm new and all but I like seeing your replies to things so it's nice to see a post from you as well, if that makes sense.

 

[whatevs]

How was your childhood? Were you ever happy?

 

[FuneralCry]

How was your childhood? Were you ever happy?

I do not think I was ever happy, I have never really wanted to be alive. I have always struggled to cope with life, I get easily stressed and anxious and it is just the way I am. Nothing particularly bad happened in my childhood but I was diagnosed with autism at a young age. I am just not meant for this world at all.

 

[Messgram]

every day i have gore nightmares or things going really wrong in my life and i must be the only one who likes that, because waking up and knowing that it didn't happen makes me feel a pleasant relief. Much better than waking up and knowing that a good dream will never happens.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Never feel bad about posting here, no matter how pointless it may seem. If you felt the need to write, it wasn't for no reason. I know it doesn't help much but venting and receiving support, even if it is over the same issue over and again, beats just being alone with it in your head. I hope you will be able to find peace soon.

 

[LoneMisery]

Im right in the same boat. Happiness never lasts long. I hate how my so called friends only want me happy and when im down they want nothing to do with me. I would want nothing more than to move to another state and never call anybody again. Its also my plan. I dont think they realize how much it hurts to only be wanted when youre up ( which is almost never) but can ghost you forever when youre down. Its sad its terrible. Spring time is coming and that is the most popular time for people to ctb and i feel if i cant find this job by then i will definitely do it. I wish i could take the place of everyone here. You guys dont deserve to be as sad as i am.