CandyK__
Mercy on me, would you please spare me tonight?
- Mar 13, 2023
- 131
I'm not sure how to label this kind of post, so venting is the closest.
The dream begins in some village, I'm going with a friend, I'll call them T, to a shop. They're asking what kind of shop it is, I hear myself say, perfectionist.
They show me their cut and healed wrists, saying "I've been there". Subsequently, I hit them with a street sign. I wake up in my parents' house, which I rarely visit irl. I come down, and see my mother smoking Marlboro gold, I take one from box in front of her, they taste like red ones. We're about to go. I'm looking for a knife, can't find it.
What the hell does that mean? The room I woke up in(from dream) was the same one I attempted my life twice. So far once by hanging, and ODing. I've recently noticed my constant fall of motivation to do anything, my body feels heavier when I wake up. I do so every day at 6, even though I don't have to. I know that once I break the routine, nothing will stop me from staying in bed 24/7, despite work.
Few times in past week I've put knife to my wrists, trying to sh, but I couldn't bring myself to do, I feel that once I break first layer of skin I'll go vertically. I want to live, but I am one of those people who need to understand everything, so I have a list of reasons for staying alive, but I feel that they matter less and less every day. I keep feeling worse, and I can't seem to find the reason. I can't sleep, any food disgusts me, and everyone seems so annoying.
Currently I feel anger, I haven't felt it in a long time. My life is alright, it shouldn't feel like this. the smallest mistake, or anything that is not fine according to me makes me consider jumping out of the window, or banging my head against the wall. Today I checked how much money I will need to ctb, I have enough. I want to keep on going, but it seems so pointless. I used to depend highly on absurdism, but now it feels fake. I always tell myself that I will do it when I feel great so my last memory is that of happiness, but in happiness, I hope to enjoy that feeling for a bit longer. I don't want to ctb in desperation. I want to be aware of the act, otherwise, it will come off as an impulsive symptom of mental illness, even though I haven't been diagnosed with anything of psychological nature.
Whenever someone talks to me, after I've been doing something else, I will react by small jump. I also noticed my head, and over all body involuntary twitching. Going to therapy seems like a lot of effort, and I fear they won't say anything I didn't know before. I fear they will just prescribe me pills, how is that different from being a junkie?
I fear that if I try to live longer, someday I will lose myself to impulses and just end it all on a random day. I feel like a ticking time bomb, If I try to defuse it might explode. But I want the bomb to explode on a one day I will consciously chose.
What do you think? I know I will ctb, but I want to prolong the waiting process for a bit longer, any advice?
Thanks for all suggestions in advance. <3
The dream begins in some village, I'm going with a friend, I'll call them T, to a shop. They're asking what kind of shop it is, I hear myself say, perfectionist.
They show me their cut and healed wrists, saying "I've been there". Subsequently, I hit them with a street sign. I wake up in my parents' house, which I rarely visit irl. I come down, and see my mother smoking Marlboro gold, I take one from box in front of her, they taste like red ones. We're about to go. I'm looking for a knife, can't find it.
What the hell does that mean? The room I woke up in(from dream) was the same one I attempted my life twice. So far once by hanging, and ODing. I've recently noticed my constant fall of motivation to do anything, my body feels heavier when I wake up. I do so every day at 6, even though I don't have to. I know that once I break the routine, nothing will stop me from staying in bed 24/7, despite work.
Few times in past week I've put knife to my wrists, trying to sh, but I couldn't bring myself to do, I feel that once I break first layer of skin I'll go vertically. I want to live, but I am one of those people who need to understand everything, so I have a list of reasons for staying alive, but I feel that they matter less and less every day. I keep feeling worse, and I can't seem to find the reason. I can't sleep, any food disgusts me, and everyone seems so annoying.
Currently I feel anger, I haven't felt it in a long time. My life is alright, it shouldn't feel like this. the smallest mistake, or anything that is not fine according to me makes me consider jumping out of the window, or banging my head against the wall. Today I checked how much money I will need to ctb, I have enough. I want to keep on going, but it seems so pointless. I used to depend highly on absurdism, but now it feels fake. I always tell myself that I will do it when I feel great so my last memory is that of happiness, but in happiness, I hope to enjoy that feeling for a bit longer. I don't want to ctb in desperation. I want to be aware of the act, otherwise, it will come off as an impulsive symptom of mental illness, even though I haven't been diagnosed with anything of psychological nature.
Whenever someone talks to me, after I've been doing something else, I will react by small jump. I also noticed my head, and over all body involuntary twitching. Going to therapy seems like a lot of effort, and I fear they won't say anything I didn't know before. I fear they will just prescribe me pills, how is that different from being a junkie?
I fear that if I try to live longer, someday I will lose myself to impulses and just end it all on a random day. I feel like a ticking time bomb, If I try to defuse it might explode. But I want the bomb to explode on a one day I will consciously chose.
What do you think? I know I will ctb, but I want to prolong the waiting process for a bit longer, any advice?
Thanks for all suggestions in advance. <3
